LIBRARY 

OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA. 

GIFT    OF 


) 


Class 


OF    THE 

UNIVERSITY 

Of 


ff{L*L/0vcL 


Laconics 


BY  HANFORD  LENNOX  gORDON 


OF   THE 

UNIVERSITY 

OF 


Published  by 

THE  SALEM  PRESS  COMPANY 

SALEM,  MASSACHUSETTS, 

1910 


GIFT 


COPYRIGHT 

Entered  in  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  Wash. 
ington,  P.O.,  in  the  year  1910  by  Hanford  Lennox  Gordon. 


PREFACE. 

From  boyhood  I  have  made  a  practice  of  keeping 
notes  of  such  of  my  thoughts  and  laconic  expres- 
sions as  I  deemed  worth  preserving.  Out  of  the 
mass  I  have  now  sifted  and  arranged  the  contents  of 
this  volume. 

There  are  few  thoughts  in  this  book  that  have 
not  been  expressed  by  others  in  some  form.  I  have 
aimed  to  condense  and  "boil  down." 

"Though  old  the  thought  and  oft  expressed, 
Tis  his  at  last  who  says  it  best." — Lowell. 

I  have  quoted  often  —  perhaps  too  freely  —  from 
my  "  Indian  Legends  and  Other  Poems." 


Los  ANGELES,  CAL 
JANUARY  1,  1910. 


HANJ^FORD  LENNOX  GORDON. 


204783 


LACONICS 


Abuse.     Our  appetites  are  for  use,  not  for  abuse. 
Everything  has  its  use  and  its  abuse. 

Acknowledgment.     If  you  have  done  a  wrong  thing, 
do  a  manly  thing  —  acknowledge  it. 

Adversity.     Only  in  adversity  do  we  come  to  know 

ourselves. 

Adversity  leads  the  wise  to  prosperity. 
The  winds  of  adversity  blow  egotism  out  of  us. 
Adversity  only  threshes  out  the  cheat  and  chaff; 

the  wheat  remains. 

In  adversity  —  calm ;  in  prosperity  —  calm. 
They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap  in  prosperity. 
The  courage  of  the  brave  grows  in  adversity. 
In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends;  in  adversity 

they  will  beware  of  you. 

Advice.     Be  careful  whom  you  advise,  lest  he  pursue 

the  adviser  instead  of  the  advice. 
All  can  give  advice ;  few  profit  by  it. 
Seek  advice  rather  than  praise. 
It  is  easy  to  give  advice  after  it  is  done. 
You  give  us  a  bucketful  of  advice;   take  a  drop 

yourself. 
Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 

doctor ;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 
Don't  feed  advice  to  a  fool:  he  can't  digest  it. 

Affliction.     Strength  is  born  in  the  silence  of  affliction. 
A  proud  man,  like  a  generous  vine,  runs  wild  and 
fruitless,  unless  propped  by  wisdom  and  pruned 
by  affliction. 


LACONICS 


The  gem  is  polished  by  friction,  man  by  affliction. 
The  crushed  rose  gives  the  sweetest  perfume. 
The  bitters  of  affliction  are  a  good  tonic. 

After.     It  is  easy  to  give  advice,  after  the  event. 
Any  doctor  can. tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are 
dead. 

After-thought.     He  has  a  head  chock  full  of  after- 
thought. 

After-thought  was  found  floating  in  the  pond  ten 
days  after. 

Age.     That  man  never  grows  old  who  keeps  youth  in 

his  heart. 

That  man  is  already  too  old  who  has  lost  confi- 
dence in  himself. 

Ahead.  Hope,  ahead;  regret,  behind. 
Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
Put  your  face  to  the  wind,  and  go  ahead. 

Aim.     Take  aim  or  you  will  waste  your  ammunition. 

Air — airs.     Fresh  air,  free  from  care,  a  walk  in  the 
sun,  and  a  little  fun,  are  better  than  pills  for 
you,  my  son. 
Don't  put  on  airs,  you  will  only  air  your  littleness. 

All.     One  thing  is  a  part  of  all  things. 

If  we  knew  everything   of  one   thing,    we  would 
know  everything  of  all  things. 

Alms.     The  best  alms  you   can  give  a    "hobo"  is 
work. 

Ambition.     Ambition  is  the  germ  of  noble  deeds. 
The  politician  is  like  a  dog  in  a  wheel. 

Amend.     If  you  would  amend  men,  begin  with  your- 
self, and  stay  with  it. 


LACONICS 


Amusements.     Innocent  amusements  are  blessings. 
Amusement  is  as  necessary  to  man  as  labor. 
Unstring  the  bow  or  else  the  bow  will  break. 
No  man  is  wise  who  is  not  all  his  life,  betimes,  a 
boy. 

Anarchy.     Anarchy  was  born  in  Hell. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  helpless  land. 

The  hundred-headed  monster  Cerberus. 

Mothered  of  hell  and  father  of  all  fiends. 

See  Liberty  run  mad  and  Anarchy, 

Bearing  the  torch,  the  dagger  and  the  bomb, 

Red-mouthed  run  riot  in  her  sacred  name : 

Men  lapse  to  savagery  and  turn  to  beasts. 

Hell-broth  — hag-boiled. 

Maelstrom  of  madness,  lazar-howled,  hag-shrilled, 

Discord,  demented,  flaps  her  ruffled  wings, 

And  shrieks  delirium  to  her  screeching  brood 

Men. 

A  rattlesnake  bit  an  anarchist's  hide ; 
It  was  the  rattlesnake,  not  the  man,  that  died. 
An  anarchist ! — Drive  ten-penny  nails  in  his  coffin 

and  clinch  'em. 
Mad  Murder  raves  and  Horror  holds  her  hell. 

Men. 

****Men  murder-mad 
Slay  for  the  love  of  murder. 
Government  by  the  multitude  is  anarchy. 
In  time  of  anarchy  a  dictator  is  a  savior. 
Republics  breed   luxury  and  poverty  and  end  in 

anarchy. 

Ancestry — ancestors. 

The   further   back  you  trace  your   ancestors  the 

nearer  you  get  to  the  brutes. 
He  has  degenerated  through  a  long  pedigree  from 

noble  brutes. 


LACONICS 


The  noblest  line  in  Europe  runs  back  to  a  robber. 

My  forefather  was  Adam. 

The  son  of  an  illustrious  man  stands  in  the  shadow 

of  a  great  name. 
Praise  your  illustrious  ancestors  less  and  imitate 

them  more. 
The  family  tree  of  nobility  is  like  a  potato-top,  —  its 

roots  bear  all  the  fruit. 
After  all,  birth  is  much.     "Do  we  gather  figs  from 

thistles?" 

From  a  noble  breed  a  noble  steed. 
From  good  seed  a  good  breed. 
The  virtues  of  our  ancestors  are  good  but  virtues 

of  own  are  better. 
Our  ancestors  were  fine  fellows,  but  they  fought 

like  Kilkenny  cats. 
I  am  more  deserving  than  any  of  my  ancestors  and 

most  of  them  were  hanged. 
Here  is  a  little  man  strutting  over  the  bones  of  his 

ancestors  —  turn  'im  out  in  the  pasture;  the  feed 

is  short  and  the  cows  need  him. 
"I  can't  boasht  avme  ancestors,"  said  Pat  to  the 

English  lord,  "but  I  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity 

fer  Biddy  an'  me  hez  twinty  wan  av  'em." 
If  you  take  pride  in  your  ancestors  read  back  to  the 

tadpole. 

Angel.     A  man  may  act  like  an  angel  and  think  like 
the  devil. 

Anger.     Anger  begets  anger. 

Furious  rage  is  for  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Life  is  too  short  for  revenge. 

The  wise  man's  anger  is  like  fire  from  a  flint  —  a 

flash  and  no  more. 
Anger  is  the  last  argument  of  a  fool. 


LACONICS 


Never  go  to  bed  angry.     You  had  better  sit  up 

all  night. 
An  angry  man  "stirreth  up  strife,"  and  wounds 

himself. 
An  angry  man  is  like  one  who  attempts  to  quench 

a  fire  with  kerosine. 
There  is    an    anger   that    is   just  —  the  anger  of 

truth  betrayed. 
Anger  is  the  match  that  kindles  a  fire  that  burns 

a  city. 

Anticipation.  Anticipation  is  sweeter  than  enjoy- 
ment. 

Why  add  the  burden  of  tomorrow  to  the  shoulders 
of  to-day? 

Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 

He  anticipates  in  dreams  and  dines  on  a  crust. 

Antiquity.  How  many  fetters  we  willingly  wear 
because  they  were  forged  by  our  forefathers ! 

Go  back  to  antiquity  —  to  the  chimpanzee  and 
the  gorilla. 

If  you  take  pride  in  your  ancestry  read  back  to  the 
cave-dwellers. 

Anxiety.     Anxiety  is  the  canker  of  life. 

Reasonable  apprehension  is  safer  than  too  confi- 
dent security. 

No  shoulders  are  broad  enough  to  carry  the  anxie- 
ties of  to-morrow  on  top  of  the  burdens  of  to-day. 
Don't  borrow  trouble  of  to-morrow. 

Aphorism — apothegm.        Aphorisms     are      distilled 
thoughts. 

Proverbs  are  the  gold  dust  of  ages. 
Diamonds  from  the  drift  of  ages. 


LACONICS 


Applause.     Vox  Populi,  vox  Stultorum. 

It  is  better  to  deserve  applause,  than  to  receive  it. 

The  applause  of  fools  is  dispraise. 

When  men  applaud  you,  ask  yourself  what  you 

have  done. 
If  you  hanker  for  applause  go  to  the  newspapers 

and  buy  it  —  it's  cheap. 

Apple.     You  shake  the  tree  in  vain:  the  apples  are 

gathered. 
Don't  club  the  tree  after  the  apples  have  fallen. 

Architecture.  In  a  cottage  let  use  be  preferred  to 
beauty,  in  a  mansion  let  use  and  beauty  be  com- 
bined. 

The  architecture  of  a  nation  is  an  index  of  its  civiliza- 
tion. 

Architecture  is  art. 

It  is  a  long  way  from  the  wigwam  to  the  Congres- 
sional Library. 

Ardor.     He  is  a  strong  man  who  in  a  long  struggle 

can  hold  his  ardor  to  the  end. 
Warm  up,  but  don't  get  hot. 
Ardor  is  good,  but  boiling  water  will  scald. 

Argument.     Be    calm    in    argument.     Anger    makes 

even  truth  a  fault. 
The  more  noise  the  less  reason. 
The  truth  can  always  be  told  in  a  few  words. 
Winnow  the  wheat  from  the  chaff. 
A  clear  statement  is  half  the  argument. 
The  last  argument  of  a  fool  is  anger. 

Hear  the  demagogues, 

With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellow  the  bulls  of  Bashan.  Men. 


LACONICS 


It  is  hard  arguing  against  hunger. 

An  Irish  argument — the  shillalah. 

The  point  of  his  argument  is  so  fine  that  it  requires 

a  microscope  to  discover  it. 
A  strong  argument — a  "big  stick." 
The  argument  of  the  orthodox  is  based  on  faith ; — 

shut  your  eyes  and  take  it. 

Aristocrary.     Princes  and  parasites  compose  mankind ; 

The  herd  are  parasites  of  parasites. 
God  never  made  two  men  exactly  equal ; 
A  few  men  are  born  lords  and  many,  underlings. 

The  mindless  herd  are  but  the  cunning's  tools; 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Armor.     Let  virtue  be  your  helmet  and  your  shield, 
And    Truth    your    weapon — weapon    sharp   and 

strong 
And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

Armed,  cap-a-pie,  with  God's  almighty  truth. 

Arrogance.     None  so  arrogant  as  the  beggar  sud- 
denly rich. 
Ignorance  and  arrogance  are  twins. 

Art — artist.     Artless  art  is  the  highest  art. 

What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 
What  comes  from  effort  only,  is  but  tame. 

Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless  art ; 
Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites: 
As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 
So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. 

Poetry. 


LACONICS 


Nature  the  only  perfect  artist  is: 
Who  studies  nature  may  approach  her  skill; 
Perfection  hers,  but  never  can  be  his, 
Though  her  sweet  voice  his  very  marrow  thrill: 
The  finest  works  of  art  are  Nature's  shadows  still. 

Poetry. 

He  thinks  himself  an  artist — he  is  only  a  fourth 

cousin  to  Nature. 
Reveal  art,  but  conceal  the  labor — "Ars  est  celare 

artem." 

Aspiration.     See  Man  the  picture  of  perpetual  want; 
Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves ; 
Give  him  the  land,  and  he  demands  the  sea; 
Give  him  the  earth — he  reaches  for  the  stars. 

Men. 

Is  there  no  higher  aim  than  cent  pro  cent  ? 

Are  all  our  holier  aspirations  spent? 

Most  preachers  preach  from  aspiration,  not  from 

inspiration. 
He  thought  he  was  inspired,   so  he  howled  and 

perspired. 

None  but  an  ass  will  bray. 

"Hurry,  for  I  have  a  horse  to  shoe,"  said  the  black- 
smith to  the  cobbler  mending  his  shoe;  "And  I 
have  an  ass  to  shoe,"  said  the  cobbler. 

An  ass  is  known  by  his  bray. 

The  bray  of  a  jackass  is  music  to  the  whole  herd 
of  asses. 

The  ass  deserves  his  load. 

A  lion  never  wears  the  ears  of  an  ass. 

You  bray  me  an  ass  ? — am  I  your  brother  ? 

To  a  man,  reason;  to  an  ass,  a  "big  stick." 

An  ass  looks  wise  to  an  ass. 

He  was  brought  up  on  ass-milk. 


LACONICS 


A  sorry  ass  is  better  than  no  horse. 
The  mob  likes  the  bray  of  an  ass. 

Association.  "All  alone"  is  better  than  bad  com- 
pany. 

Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from 
the  company  they  keep. 

Two  brave  men  pullingi  together  are  a  four-horse 
team. 

Association  develops  men. 

It  is  idle  to  declaim  against  great  corporations: 
civilization,  the  well-fare  of  the  human  race,  de- 
mand them;  they  have  come  to  stay. 

Atheism.     If  miracles  will  convince  the  atheist,  let 
him  look  about.     All  God's  works  are  miracles. 
Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand ;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Miracles? — Yes,  God  performs  miracles  by  the 
immutable  laws  of  nature. 

Atom.     No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. 

Beyond. 

The  Universe  is  made  of  atoms;  moments  are  the 
atoms  of  eternity. 

The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand, — 

Yea,  myriad  millions! — What  are  we? 

Fame. 


10  LACONICS 


Audacity.     Audacity  often  wins  where  merit  fails. 
Temper  audacity  with  reason. 
Audacity  and  a  fool  started  for  the  North  Pole  in 

a  ballon  some  years  ago,  and  they  haven't  reported 

yet. 

Authority.     Men  always  worshipped  the  rising  sun. 

"Give  unto  Caesar  that  which  belongs  to  Caesar," 
but  if  it  belongs  to  you,  keep  it  yourself. 

Power  is  authority. 

"You  have  no  authority  to  arrest  me,"  said  a  green- 
horn to  a  New  York  policeman. 

"I  hain't,  sor? — shmell  av  me  stick,"  replied  the 
"cop." 

B 

Babble.     Care  little  for  the  babble  of  Babylon,  but 

care  for  what  Truth  can  say. 
Let  the  babbler  babble. 

Babies.  All  the  Anarchist  is  fit  for  is  to  raise  hell 
and  babies. 

The  "deadly  sin"  is  to  bring  into  the  world  a  child 
mentally,  morally  or  physically  tainted  by  hered- 
ity. 

Quality  not  quantity — breed  children  as  a  wise 
breeder  breeds  horses,  cattle  and  pigs,  and  our 
prisons  and  asylums  would  soon  be  empty. 

Back.     He  turns  his  back  on  the  enemy  and  slashes 

the  wind  with  his  sword. 

Don't  turn  your  back  on  the  truth,  and  always 
face  a  lie. 

Backward.  Don't  be  backward  in  coming  forward 
in  your  own  cause. 


LACONICS  11 


A  man  cannot  stand  still;  he  must  go  forward  or 

backward. 
He  is  never  backward  in  coming  forward  when  the 

dinner-bell    rings. 
It  is  sometimes  necessary  to  take  a  step  backward 

to  get  a  foothold. 
Evolution  never  goes  backward. 

Bad.     Nothing  so  bad  as  it  seems. 

Take  the  most  of  the  best  and  least  of  the  bad. 
Nothing  so  bad  that  there  is  no  good  in  it. 

Bait.     It  is  rare  to  find  a  fish  that  will  bite  a  bare 

hook. 

A  golden  hook  needs  no  bait. 
There  is  a  bait  for  every  fish. 
A  bullhead  will  take  the  bait  that  a  trout  will  shy  at. 
Have   your   hook   always   baited; — gudgeons   are 
plenty  in  every  pond. 

Bare — barefoot.    If  you  are  barefoot  look  well  to  your 
path. 

Bard.     Better  be  a  good  blacksmith  than  a  driveling 
bard. 

Bark.     Let  the  little  dogs  bark:  did  you  ever  hear 

the  moon  bark  back  at  the  cur  ? 
It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite; 
But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. 

War  with  Japan. 

Bashful.     Don't  be  bashful, — it  don't  pay. 

Among  the  "Four  Hundred"  a  bashful  man  is  a 
standing  joke. 

Bear.     Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee; 
Forgive  and  be  forgiven; 


12  LACONICS 


For  charity  is  the  golden  key 

That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 
If  you  kick  'em  you  will  discover  the  difference 

between  a  bear  and  a  skunk. 

Beauty.     Beauty  needs  no  letters  of  introduction. 
No  blemish,  no  beauty: 
Beauty  intoxicates  a  woman  and  makes  a  fool  of 

a  man. 

The  most  beautiful  thing  is  Truth. 
Beauty  without  virtue  is  a  rose  with  a  bad  smell. 
Beauty — A  beautiful  soul  in  a  beautiful  body. 
What  good  is  beauty  to  the  blind  ? 

Beer.     The  more  beer  the  less  bread. 

Before — beforehand.     Look  before   or  you   will  fall 

behind. 
Every  old  hat  is  full  of  regret. 

Beg — beggar.    The  highest  price  you  can  pay  for  any- 
thing is  to  beg  for  it. 

It  is  a  sin  against  charity  to  give  to  every  beggar. 
Bid  the  beggar  come  to-morrow;  give  to  the  needy 
now. 

Beginning.     Begin  well  and  then  keep  at  it. 
It  is  easier  to  begin  than  to  finish. 
Better  begin  at  the  bottom  and  work  up,  than 

begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
In  the  beginning  a  bucket  of  water  will  put  out  a 
fire  and  save  a  whole  city. 

Few  men  know  when  to  begin  and  when  to  stop. 
The  beginnings  of  great  things  are  little  things. 

Behind.     When  you  are  behind,  look  before; 
When  you  are  before,  look  behind. 
Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 


LACONICS  13 


Hope,  ahead;  regret,  behind. 

On  the  wrong  road  the  faster  you  go  the  farther  you 
fall  behind. 

Behind  time.     If  you  are  behind  time  you  can't  catch 

the  "Limited"  by  running. 
The  wise  man  is  never  behind  time. 
Better  five  minutes  ahead  than  five  seconds  behind. 

Belief.  "I  dinna  ken  which  end  o'  'im  to  believe," 
said  a  Scotchman  of  a  dog  that  wagged  his  tail 
and  growled. 

Blind  belief,  what  is  it  but  superstition  ? 

We  are  inclined  to  believe  those  whom  we  do  not 
know,  because  they  have  never  deceived  us. 

Benevolence.     I  relish  the  dinner  I  give  to  a  hungry 

man. 

I  never  gave  a  poor  boy  a  nickel  that  it  didn't  do 
me  more  good  than  it  did  him. 

Best.     The  best  thing  a  bad  man  does  is  his  last. 
If  a  man  is  ignorant  of  what  he  is,  how  can  he  know 

what  is  good  for  him? 
If  you  can't  have  the  best,  make  the  best  of  what 

you    have. 

Take  the  most  of  the  best  and  the  least  of  the  bad. 
Nothing  so  bad  but  there  is  some  good  in  it. — 

Betray.     When  a  base  man  means  to  betray  you,  he 

will  be  your  best  friend. 
There  is  an  anger  that  is  just,  the  anger  of  truth 

betrayed. 

Betray? — nay,  better  to  die. 
We  betray  ourselves  oftener  than  others  betray  us. 

Better.  Better  a  skillful  blacksmith  than  a  driveling 
poetaster. 


14  LACONICS 


Better  go  fishing  than  do  nothing. 

Better  fight  than  lie  down  and  be  run  over. 

Better  a  poor  bone  than  no  bone. 

Beware.  Better  beware  of  the  snare  — look  a  leetle 
out,  und  don't  put  yer  fut  in  it — till  it  goes  off 
already. 

If  he  speaks  too  fair,  beware,  beware. 

Beware  of  the  man  you  have  forgiven;  he  will  never 
forgive  you. 

Beware  of  the  man  who  blows  a  big  mouth  and  a 
brass  band  for  the  "dear  people." — He  is  a  self- 
seeking  demagogue  and  would  betray  Christ  for 
fifteen  pieces  of  silver. 

Beyond.  The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun- 
touched  sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  Earth  ? 
Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 
Or  ever  wilt.     Content  thee:  let  it  be. 
Know  only  this — there  is  a  power  unknown — 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. 

Beyond. 

Bible.  The  traditions  and  superstitions  of  a  people 
are  the  Bible  of  that  people. 

Bigotry.     Bigotry  is  blind  in  one  eye  and  near-sighted 

in  the   other. 
Ignorance  is  ever  bigoted. 
A  bigot  and  a  mule  are  twin  brothers ;  but  the  mule 

is  the  better  man. 

"Big  Stick" — An  Irish  policeman. 
A  strong  argument,  a  "big  stick." 

Big  things.  It  is  not  profitable  to  run  afar  after  big 
things  and  neglect  the  little  things  that  lie  thick 
around  you. 


LACONICS  15 


Bird.     An  old  bird  is  ware  of  a  little  boy  with  a  gun. 
It  is  only  a  "dodo"  that  runs  twice  into  the  same 
net  after  chaff. 

Bitterness — bitter.     Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bitter- 
ness; strong  men  eschew  it. 

Without  a  taste  of  the  bitter  we  have  little  relish 
for  the  sweet. 

Blame.     In  every  quarrel  both  sides  are  to  blame. 
It  don't  take  two  to  have  a  quarrel;  a  man  can 
quarrel  with  himself,  and  nine  times  out  of  ten 
he  ought  to. 

Blather.     Blather  and  brains  don't  lodge  in  the  same 

cockloft. 

That  shyster  has  more  blather  than  Blackstone; 
If  he  had  more  Coke  in  his  cocoanut  he  would  froth 
less. 

Blemish.     No  blemish,  no  beauty. 

Blind.     Who  takes  a  blind  man  for  a  guide  ? 
Blind  courage  is  dangerous. 
We  are  blind  with  our  eyes  wide  open. 
What  good  is  beauty  to  the  blind. 

Blood.     Mother  England,  Mother  England,  through 

the  ages  blood  will  tell, 
From  the  spears  that  baffled  Caesar  to  the  field 

where  Symons  fell; 
And  from  rugged  Gael  and  Saxon,  brawny  Norsk  and 

stalwart  Danes, 
Still  the  blood  of  Bruce  and  Cromwell '  tingles  in 

our  Yankee  veins. 

Mother  England. 
Blood  will  tell  even  in  a  Hottentot. 


16  LACONICS 


Blood-hound.      Blood-hounds  behind  and  the  devil 

before. 

A  blood-hound  is  a  harmless  pup  if  he  has  his  nose 
full  of  red  pepper. 

Blossom — blossomed.     The    blossom    withers    when 

the  fruit  appears. 
He  blossomed  out  in  the  newspapers. 

Blunder.     Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that    old    age 

regrets. 
The  mistakes  of  a  wise  man  aremore  instructive  than 

the  blunders  of  a  fool. 
The  man  that  never  made  a  blunder  lacks  education. 

Blush.     He  blushes  like  a  Hottentot. 

Blush  ?  man,  he  blushes  all  over  his  anatomy. 

Boast — boaster.     Never  boast  of  what  you  will  do 

till  you  have  done  it. 
Boaster — the  man  who  makes  roosters  lay  eggs. 

Boat.     Fair  boats  that  flutter  in  the  sun  your  sails, 
Piping  anon  to  gay  and  tented  shores, 
Sweet  music  and  low  laughter,  it  is  well 
Ye  hug  the  haven  when  the  tempest  roars; 
For  only  stalwart  ships  of  oak  or  steel 
May  dare  the  deep  and  breast  the  billowy  sea, 
When  sweeps  the  thunder-voiced,  dark  hurricane, 
And  the  mad  ocean  shakes  his  shaggy  mane, 
And  roars  through  all  his  grim  and  vast  immensity. 

Poetry. 

You  are  in  the  boat  and  the  devil  is  at  the  helm. 
Sink  or  swim,  I  am  in  the  same  boat  with  you. 
Paddle  your  own  canoe,  my  boy,  but  remember 

it  is  only  a  mis-step  between  birch-bark  and  a 

big  drink. 


LACONICS  17 


Body.     The  body  will  rest  if  the  mind  will  let  it. 
Take  good  care  of  thebody — it's  your  work-machine 

Boldness.     All  gates  open  to  the  bold. 

Be  bold,  but  don't  butt  your  head  against  a  stone 
wall. 

Bone.     What  is  bred  in  the  bone  will  stay  there. 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Bones.     Go — Crack   Earth's   bones   and   heave   the 

granite  hills. 

I've  got  it  in  my  bones;  I  thought  it  was  inspiration, 
but  I  "guess"  it  is  rumytics. 

Books.     The  best  thoughts  of  the  best  minds  of  the 
Ages  are  embalmed  in  books. 

Good  books  are  the  best  counsellors. 

A  book  that  inspires  no  thought  in  the  reader  is 
not  worth  reading. 

Give  me  good  books,  baked  potatoes  and  a  log- 
cabin  and  I  will  be  content. 

A  book  that  is  not  worth    reading   twice    is    not 
worth  reading  at  all. 

A  good  book  is  good  company. 

There  be  books  and  books  and  books  and  not  one 
in  a  hundred  is  worth  reading. 

If  books  are  books,  buy  'em  by  the  cord. 

Borrow.     Who  borrows  money  borrows  trouble. 
Who  pays  with  honor  borrows  with  ease. 

Many  are  ready  to  lend  to  a  man  who  has  no  need 

to   borrow. 
Borrow  trouble  and  pay  double. 


18  LACONICS 


Borrowing — borrower.     Who  loans  much  to  a  friend 

loses  a  friend. 
Don't  borrow  trouble,  you  have  enough  of  your  own. 

Boston.     Boston  is  no  longer  boss- town. 

Boston  is  no  longer  the  "Hub,"  it's  only  the  tail- 
board. 

Bottom.     Begin  at  the  bottom  and  climb  to  the  top. 
We  sink  or  swim,  as  we  deserve:  the  most  of  us  go 
to  the  bottom. 

Boy.     The  boy  is  the  father  of  the  man. 
He  that  is  a  boy  at  fifty 
Was  never  very  wise  or  thrifty. 
At  sixty  play  with  the  boys ;  at  eighty  play  with 

the  girls. 
I  wish  I  war  a  little  boy — 

A  little  boy  agin, 
Full  of  frolic  and  the  colic, 

Full  of  soda-pop  and  sin. 

Bronco   Bill. 

Brains.     Brain  and  brawn  make  a  giant  indeed. 
You  can  give  a  man  advice,  but  you  can't  give  him 

brains  to  profit  by  it. 
Brains  don't  grow  on  bushes;  they  often  grow  under 

a  straw  hat. 
A  big  brain  and  a  big  belly  sometimes  go  together, 

but  it  is  Nature's  mistake. 

Brass — brazen.     He  was  born  in  Brassland  and  bred 

in  Brazen  College. 

Is  this  the  golden  age  or  the  age  of  gold  ? 
The  Muses  whisper — "'Tis  the  age  of  brass." 

Poetry. 

Brass  glitters;  gold  glimmers. 
He  is  as  brazen  as  a  brass-kettle. 


LACONICS  19 

Brave — bravery.     A  brave  leader  makes  brave  men. 
Be  brave,  but  don't  be  brazen. 
There  are  several  degrees  Farenheit  between  brav- 
ery and  bravado. 
It  don't  cost  much  to  get  brave  in  the  newspapers. 

Bread.     Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis 

said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for  bread. 

Poetry. 

Here  mouths  without  bread,  there  bread  without 

mouths. 

The  less  beer  the  more  bread. 
"Jim   Hill   is   a  robber,"    said    the   Governor   of 

Minnesota.    "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens  of 

thousands,  you  are  doing  your  level  best  to  pull 

down  the  bakery,"  said  Hill. 

Breeches.     When  the  wife  wears  the  breeches,  let  the 

husband  wear  petticoats. 
Without  a  pair  of  breeches  what  is  man? 
Diogines'  two-legged  animal  without  feathers. 
Any  man  is  liable  to  have  a  breech  in  his  breeches. 

Breed — breeding — bred.    Breeding  in  and  breeding  out 
Will  breed  a  mongrel  without  doubt. 
Why  not  be  as  careful  of  the  breed  of  children  as  of 

the  breed  of  dogs? 
Wisdom  and  virtue  are  the  gems,  good  breeding 

is  the  setting. 

She  would  breed  a  fever  in  the  blood  of  a  fish. 
We  are  all  of  the  same  breed — our  forefathers  were 

gorillas. 

Bridge.     Make  a  bridge  for  your  adversary  to  retreat 

over. 
It  is  a  good  bridge  that  falls  before  you  get  onto  it. 


20  LACONICS 


If  you  burn  the  bridge  behind  you,  your  pursuers 

will  have  to  wait  or  wade. 
Be  sure  you  are  over  before  you  burn  the  bridge. 

Broth.     Hell-broth,  hag-boiled. 

Cold  clam- juice  is  better  than  no  broth. 
He  put  poison  in  his  enemy's  broth,  and  drank  it 
himself. 

Brute.     The  further  back  we   trace    our    ancestors, 

the  nearer  we  get  to  the  brutes. 
He  who  is  cruel  to  brutes  is  himself  a  brute. 

The  following  is  not  mine.  It  was  written  by  my  dear 
friend,  Hon.  Henry  C.  Waite,  (of  St.  Cloud,  Minnesota)  and 
ought  to  be  embalmed  and  preserved: 

"Ransack  creation — in  and  out — 
Through  all  its  crooks  and  crannies, 

You'll  never  find  another  brute 
As  big  a  brute  as  man  is." 

Bud.     Many  a  budding  genius  is  nipped  in  the  bud. 
If  every  bud  blossomed  and  bore  fruit  what  a  lot 

of  spring  poets  we  would  have! 
He  would  have  made  a  man,  but  he  was  blasted  in 

the  bud. 

Building.     Pride  builds  a  mansion  and  the  loan-man 

takes  it. 
Don't  build  a  castle  till  you  can  pay  for  it,  and  then 

build  it  on  your  own  land. 

Build  for  your  own  eyes  and  not  for  the  eyes  of 
others. 

Burden.     He  sighed  for  the  burden,  now  let  him  carry 

it. 

A  man  without  a  burden  is  a  burden  to  himself. 
Burdens  are  sometimes  hard  to  bear,   but  they 
steady  us. 


LACONICS  21 


A  ship  without  ballast  is  apt  to  "turn  turtle." 

Every  man's  burden  is  the  burden  he  needs. 

The  heaviest  burden  most  men  carry  is  their  own 

folly. 
We  can  carry  other  people's  burdens  better  than 

our  own. 
You  will  never  complain  of  your  burden  if  you  like 

it. 
Pad  your  shoulders  with  patience  and  you  will 

carry  your  burden  easier. 
Show  me  the  boy  that  shirks  his  burden  and  I  will 

show  you  a  failure. 

Burglar.     Every  artizan  to  his  trade,  said  the  burglar . 
The  beggar  may  laugh  at  a  burglar. 
The  man. that  leaves  his  safe  open  is  an  accomplice 

of  the  burglar. 
Keep  your  money  in  the  bank  and  the  burglar 

won't  burgle  it. 

Burn.     It  is  better  to  turn  than  to  burn. 

If  you  haven't  any  wood  to  burn,  burn  chips. 
If  you  put  your  finger  in  the  fire,  don't  complain 
of  the  burn. 

Bush.     He  beats  the  bush  to  frighten  a  bogy. 

Some  men  are  eternally  beating  the  bush  after  the 

bird  has  "flied  away." 
Money  grows  on  bushes — in  "Green"-land. 

Business.     Know  your  own  business,  and  attend  to  it. 
Be  busy  in  your  business. 
Let  your  principle  business  be  to  mind  your  own 

business. 
When  every  one  minds  his  own  business,  business 

is  good. 

Mind  your  own  business  and  others  will  mind  you. 
Men  make  business  and  business  makes  men. 


22  LACONICS 


He  minds  everybody's  business  but  his  own. 
He   who   minds   other   people's  business  neglects 
his  own. 

But— butt.     Don't  butt  in  with  your  "buts." 
Cut  out  your  "buts"  and  butt  into  it. 
He  would  have  caught  the  hare,  but  he  stumbled 

over  an  "if." 

Don't  butt  your  head  against  a  stone  wall. 
He  fights  like  a  skunk — butt  end  first. 

Butterfly.     She  looks  like  a  buttered  butterfly. 
A  butterfly  butted  her  butt  in  the  butter; 
And  she  tried  to  get  out  with  a  flop  and  a  flutter; 
And  she  did.     In  a  flutter  she  fell  in  the  gutter, 
For  she  left  half  her  tail-feathers  stuck  in  the  butter. 

Buying — buyers.      Sellers    and    buyers     are     both 

liars. 

Don't  buy  a  stray  pig  in  the  brush. 
Don't  buy  what  you  don't  need — it  is  dear  at  any 
price. 

Buzzard.     Follow  the  buzzards  and  you  will   find 
the  carrion. 

c 

Cackle.     She  cackles  before  she  lays  her  egg. 
She  is  always  cackling  and  never  lays  an  egg. 
It  is  a  sorry  roost  where  the  hen  crows  and  the 
cock   cackles. 

Calf.     Veal  should  be  cheap ;  calves  are  plenty. 
He  worships  the  golden  calf — himself. 
He  bellows  like  a  bull-calf  at  the  butcher-block. 

Calm.     Better  now  and  then  a  tempest  than  per- 
petual calm. 


LACONICS  23 


Better  a  little  breeze  than  a  dead  calm. 
He  is  a  good  pilot  in  a  calm  sea. 
In  prosperity,  calm;  in  adversity,  calmer. 
A  good  pilot  in  a  tornado  may  carelessly  wreck 
his  craft  in  a  calm. 

Calumny.     He  that  escapes  the  tongue  of  calumny 
May  count  himself  an  angel  or  a  naught. 

Poetry. 
Calumny  is  a  wasp-nest;  don't  punch  it. 

Candor.     Candor  gives  wings  to  truth- 
Cannon.     He  fires  a  cannon  at  a  fly. 
Care.     Don't  cultivate  care;  it  will  grow  without  it. 

Careless.     He  who  is  careless  in  small  things  will  fail 
in  great  ones. 

Cask.     Every  cask  has  a  bung-hole. 
Tap  his  cask  and  let  the  froth  out. 
A  rusty  cask  may  contain  good  wine. 
They  are  fast  turning  the  booze  casks  into  water- 
wagons. 

You  may  fill  the  cask  at  the  bung-hole  and  let  it  leak 
out  at  the  spigot. 

Castle.     He  that  builds  castles  in  the  air  will  seldom 

build  one  on  land. 
A  man's  house  is  his  castle  if  it  is  only  a  wigwam. 

Cat.     Don't  mew  pussy  cat  to  me. 

Beware  of  a  black  cat  and  a  grey-eyed  woman. 
Better  live  with  a  black  cat  than  a  babbling  woman. 

Caught.     He  set  a  trap  for  his  adversary  and  put  his 
own  foot  in  it. 

Cause.     In  a  bad  cause  it  is  better  to  lose  than  to  win. 


24  LACONICS 


Caution.     Don't  build  your  top  story  first. 
Caution  may  be  carried  to  timidity. 
An  over  cautious  general  seldom  wins  a  battle. 
Caution  is  good  if  you  don't  take  too  big  a  dose  of  it. 
Don't  talk  caution  to  a  man  who  is  "stuck"  on  a 
"vidder." 

Chaff.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the 

bread. 
Don't  spend  your  time  looking  for  a  grain  of  wheat 

in  a  stack  of  chaff. 

Out  of  a  bushel  of  chaff  one  little  grain  of  wheat ! 
The  popular  breeze  catches  the  chaff;  the  wheat 

remains. 
Chaff  me  no  chaff :  I  am  hungry  for  corn-bread  and 

baked  beans. 
He  blows  his  chaff  against  the  wind  and — look  at 

'im! 

Chance.     He  who  invests  in  a  lottery  takes  a  slim 

chance  for  his  money. 
Chance  is  not  and  never  was. 
In  the  sea  of  chance  one  fishes  for  cod  and  catches 

a  herring ;  another  fishes  for  herring  and  catches  a 

devil-fish ;  another  fishes  for  suckers  and  is  caught 

on  his  own  hook. 
Don't  take  a  chance  without  a  cause. 

Chancery.     Chancery  is  the  court  of  chance. 
He  is  taking  a  chance  in  chancery. 
Don't  take  a  chance  in  chancery  if  you  can  help  it; 

it  costs'  fifty  dollars  to  get  in,  and  all  you  have 

got  to  get  out. 

Change.     Change  is  the  order  of  the  universe. 
On  all  things,  high  or  low,  or  great  or  small — 
Earth,  ocean,  mountain  mammoth,  midge  and  man, 


LACONICS  25 

On  mind  and  matter — lo  perpetual  change — 
God's  fiat,  stamped. 

Change. 

The  voices  of  the  hoar  and  hurrying  years 
Cry  from  the  silence — * '  Change ! — perpetual  Change . ' ' 
Bet  your  small  change  and  hold  onto  the  eagle. 
Change  is  a  good  thing  in  your  pocket. 

The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self  same  tune. 

Forever. 

Change. 

A  sudden  change  of  climate  is  good  for  a  defaulter. 

Dust  of  the  desert  are  thy  walls 

And  temple  towers,  O  Babylon! 

O'er  crumbled  halls  the  lizard  crawls, 

And  serpents  bask  in  blaze  of  sun.  Fame. 

"Can  the  Ethiopian  change  his  skin?" — he  can, 

with  a   paint-pot. 
The  main  difference  between  an  "old  fogy"  and  a 

mule  is  this — the  mule  can  change  his  mind  but 

the  "old  fogy"  can't. 

Character.  Every  good  character  has  four  corner- 
stones :  Truth,  Charity,  Self-denial,  Fortitude. 

We  build  our  own  characters.  From  the  same 
materials  one  man  builds  a  palace,  another  aprison. 

Our  reputation  is  what  people  say  of  us,  our  char- 
acter is  what  we  are. 

If  character  be  rooted  in  truth,  the  flower  and  fruit 
thereof  will  be  beautiful. 

Character  may  make  a  reputation,  but  reputation 
don't  make  a  character. 

Charity.     Let  your  charity  begin  with  your  wife. 


26  LACONICS 


The  ultimate  result  of  modern  Christian  Charity 
continued  will  be  to  fill  the  world  with  weaklings, 
lunatics  and  criminals. 

"God  help  you"  is  cheap  charity. 

Most  men  are  charitable — to  themselves. 

It  is  a  sin  against  charity  to  give  to  every  beggar. 

Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee, 
Forgive  and  be  forgiven; 
For  charity  is  the  golden  key 
That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 

The  only  word  written  by  Jesus 

Was  Charity  — writ  in  the  sand.  Charity. 

Chase.     He  chases  three  hares  at  once — all  running 

in  different  directions. 
Chase  her  and  she'll  run;  turn  and — ten  to  one — 

she'll  chase  you. 
He  chased  a  phantom  all  his  life  and  never  caught 

it  till  the  Devil  caught  him. 
Chase  the  Devil  around  a  stump  and  he  will  catch 

you  by  your  coat-tail. 

Chatter — chatterer.        The  chatterer  should  wear 

petticoats. 

She  chatters  like  a  blue  jay  on  a  corn-crib. 
I  had  rather  listen  to  a  chatterer  than  a  flatterer. 
Chatter-boxes  hold  nothing  but  noise. 

Cheap.     What  seems  cheap  may  prove  dear. 
Nothing  is  cheap  that  you  do  not  need. 
A  bargain-counter  is  a  pick-pocket. 
Most  women  would  buy  butterflies  and  go  hungry 

if  somebody  said  they  were  cheap. 
Cheap  is  a  great  cheat. 

Cheerfulness.     'Tain't  easy  to  be  cheerful  with  the 
toothache. 


LACONICS  27 


Cheerfulness  is  the  child  of  good  health  and  good 

heart. 
He's  as  cheerful  as  a  corpse. 

Chickens.     Stray  chicks  come  home  with  few  feathers. 
He  counts  his  chickens  as  soon  as  the  hen  cackles. 
Mrs.  Meloney's  spring-chicken  was  a  goose. 
She  is  just  featherin'  out,  but  she  cackles  like  an 
old  hen. 

Child — children.     The  child  is  pleased  with  a  rattle 

and  so  is  the  man. 
Little   children — little   babies; 
Men  are  only  bigger  babies. 
Sweet  is  the  lute  to  him  who  hath  not  heard 
The  prattle  of  his  children  at  his  knees. 

Men. 

Why  not  be  as  careful  of  the  breed  of  children  as 
of  the  breed  of  dogs? 

Jack-rabbits  breed  in  litters,  Bob, 
An'  the  Niggers  an'  Chinee 
An'  the  dirty,  diggin'  Dagos,  Bob, 
An',  by  Gosh,  why  should'nt  we? 

Bronco  Bill. 

Christianity — Christian.   In  some  things  the  teachings 

of  Christianity  conflict  with  the  laws  of  Nature. 
Christianity  would   save  the   imbecile,  the   idiot, 

the  hopelessly  insane  and  the  criminal.     Nature 

decrees  the  survival  of  the  fittest. 
The  doctrines  of  Jesus  cannot  repeal  or  amend  the 

laws  of  Nature. 
The  ultimate  result  of  modern  Christian   Charity 

continued  will  be  to  fill  the  world  with  weaklings, 

lunatics  and  criminals. 


LACONICS 


Church.     The  modern  church  is  a  good  social  club. 
We  build  churches  to  honor  ourselves. 
The  choir  sing  psalms  to  praise  themselves. 
Most  preachers  preach  for  themselves. 
A  great  preacher  is  a  great  teacher. 
Christ  was  a  great  teacher,  so  was  Confucius. 

Circle.     Eternity  is  a  circle  without  circumference. 
The  universe  is  a  circle  without  diameter  or  cir- 
cumference. 
He  talks  in  a  circle  and  never  reaches  the  end. 

Circumstances.     Napoleon  make  circumstances  ?  pre- 
posterous! 

Circumstances  made  and  unmade  Napoleon. 
Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims, 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance. 

City.     In  the  city  we  long  for  the  country;  in  the 

country  we  pine  for  the  city. 
The  devil  is  in  the  country;  more's  the  pity; 
For  the  devil's  surely  in  the  city. 
Cain — the  slayer  of  his  brother — built  the  first  city. 
Great  cities  are  hot-beds  of  crime  and  corruption. 
Great  cities  are  full  of  little  men. 
The  country  feeds  the  city — with   "garden-sass" 

and  greenhorns. 

Civility.     Nothing  costs  less  and  pays  better  than 

civility. 
Civility  costs  nothing  and  buys  much. 

Civilization.     What  is  civilization?     A  coat  of  var- 
nish on  the  hide  of  the  brute. 

Climb.     And  on  the  topmost  peak  a  golden  throne 
Blazoned  with  burning  characters  that  read 
Climb!     it  is  yours.  Pauline. 


LACONICS  29 


You  must  climb  as  you  crept — on  your  hands  and 

knees. 
The  higher  he  climbs  the  further  he  has  to  fall. 

Clinch.     He  clinches  his  argument  with  his  fist. 

Cloak.     If  you  would  see  men  as  they  are,  look  under 

their    cloaks. 

Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 
Hypocracy  always  wears  a  cloak. 
We  patch  the  cloak  of  truth  with  many  a  lie. 

Clothes.     An  'ez  fer  clo'es,  Mynherr,  he  chose 
A  cow-skin  fer  his  "kleid,"  Bob; 
The  women  wore  knee-petticoats, 
An'  bare  skin  underside,  Bob. 

Bronco  Bill. 

A  tailor  can  make  a  coat  but  only  God  can  make 
a  man  to  wear  it. 

Clouds.     There   will  be   some   cloudy   days.     Don't 

worry. 

If  there  were  no  clouds  we  would  tire  of  the  sun- 
shine. 
Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  often  under  a  cloud. 

Coach.     In  a  coach  at  twenty;  on  foot  at  forty. 
Coal.     Don't  waste  your  wind  blowing  cold  coals. 

Coat.     Have  your  coat  cut  according  to  your  pants. 
If  your  tongue  is  sour  coat  it  with  molasses. 
Look  out  for  vice  in  a  swallow-tail  coat. 

Cobbler.     He  gave  his  awl,  'twas  all  he  had  to  give. 
Better  be  a  good  cobbler  than  a  poor  lawyer. 


30  LACONICS 


Cock — cock-sure.     It  is  a  poor  coop  where  the  cock 

cackles  and  the  hen  crows. 

He  is  one  of  those  cock-sure  fellows  whose  cock- 
lofts want  tenants. 

Cocoanut.     That  lawyer  has  no  Coke  in  his  cocoanut. 

College.     Taint  no  use  tu  send  a  bray  in'  ass 

Tu  any  cullege-school, 
Fer  the  less  he  knows  the  more  he  knows 

Like  any  ether  fool.  Bronco  Bill. 

Colt.     He  prances  like  a  colt  in  clover. 
Every  old  hoss  was  a  colt  once. 
Letthecolt  prance — he'll  feel  thestraps  soon  enough. 
That  colt  was  born  an  "old  hoss." 

Cold  water.     A  scalded  cur  is  afraid  of  cold  water. 

Combustion.  He  is  in  a  chronic  state  of  spontaneous 
combustion. 

Command.     Keep  cool  and  command. 

He  who  commands  himself  will  command  others. 

Common  law.     Common  law  is  common  sense. 

Common  sense.  The  most  uncommon  thing  is  com- 
mon sense. 

Wisdom  is  common  sense. 

Fill  the  basement  with  common-sense,  and  the 
upper  floors  with  learning. 

Communism.  Civilization  is  founded  upon  the  right 
of  the  individual  to  acquire  and  enjoy  property. 

Communism  would  send  us  back  to  barbarism. 

Communism  prevails  in  the  lowest  barbarism  — 
among  the  Indians  of  the  Amazon  and  the  Hot- 
tentots of  Africa. 

Communists  demand  the  equal  division  of  unequal 
earnings. 


LACONICS  31 

Socialism  would  destroy  the  right  of  property,  the 
family  relations  and  the  aspirations  of  men. 

Socialism  would  pull  down  the  highest  to  the  level 
of  the  lowest. 

Socialism  demands  a  dollars'  worth  for  a  dime. 

Men  are  not  created  equal  any  more  than  the  beasts 
of  the  field  or  the  trees  of  the  forest. 

The  survival  of  the  fittest  is  the  law  of  Nature  and 
must  prevail. 

Communism  destroys  ambition  and  without  am- 
bition man  becomes  a  brute. 

Company.     The  man  who  is  tired  of  himself  seeks 

worse  company. 

Better  alone  than  in  bad  company. 
Suit  your  conversation  to  your  company. 
A  good  book  is  good  company. 

Compensation.     If  the  poor  man  sometimes  lacks  a. 

dinner,  the  rich  man  often  lacks  a  stomach  for  it. 
If  you  are  proud  of  your  acquirements  look  up  to 

those  above  you;  if  dissatisfied  with  your  lot,. 

look  down  on  those  below  you. 
Nature  compensates;  she  gives  every  man  his  due. 

Complaint.     When  we  stop  to  complain  fortune  for- 
sakes us. 
Complaint  cures  nothing. 

Conceal.     He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of 
flattery. 

Conceit.     The  more  one  boasts  of  himself,  the  less 

others  boast  of  him. 

Self-conceit  is  a  cheat,  but  it  always  cheats  itself. 
Self-conceit  is  first  cousin  to  a  fool. 
Self-conceit  is  nursed  in  small  brains. 


32  LACONICS 


Concentrate.     Concentrate  on  one  thing  at  a  time. 
Concentration  is  power. 

Condemn.     The  vicious  are  swift  to  condemn  the 

faults  of  others. 
Hear  before  you  condemn. 

Every  tale  an'  true  his-story 
Alus  hez  tew  sides  ontu  it. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Confessor.     We  like  to  be  confessor  to  others,  but 
not    to  ourselves. 

Confession.     We  is  a  wise  man  who  confesses  to  him- 
self and  makes  amends. 

Confident.     It  is  well  to  be  confident,  best  to  be  sure. 

Conflict.     There  is  an  "irrepressible  conflict"  between 
science  and  superstition. 

Conjecture.     Feed  me  not  on  conjecture;  give  me  a 
spoonful  of  fact. 

Conquer — conqueror.     If  your  enemy  is  noble,  con- 
quer by  kindness;  if  brutal,  by  force. 
The  wise  conqueror  shields  the  conquered. 
To  conquer  the  conquered  is  a  coward's  victory. 

Conscience.     Conscience  is  a  constant  witness,  but 
rarely  comes  into  court. 

Consistency.     It  is  better  to  be  right  than  consistent. 

Constancy.     Constancy  in  the  right  is  one  of  the 
cardinal  virtues. 

Content.     When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we  are 
content  with  our  neighbors. 


LACONICS  33 


Contentment.     Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

Men. 

O  man,  thy  wisdom  is  but  folly  still; 
Wiser  the  brute  and  full  of  sweet  content. 
The  developments  and  improvements  of  man  are 

caused  by  discontent. 
Be  a  king  in  the  kingdom  of  content. 
Contentment  is  the  philosopher's  stone  that  turns 

all  it  touches  to  gold. 
Ah,  sweet  content  the  blessing  of  the  blest, 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table,  east  or  west, 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

Contentment  is  the  wisdom  of  the  wise. 

Contrast.     We  judge  by  contrast. 
All  things  go  by  pairs. 

Conversation.     Study  to  say  the  right  thing  at  the 

right   time. 
If  you  would  be  a  good  conversationalist ;  be  a  good 

listener. 
Suit  your  conversation  to  your  company. 

Conversion.      Sudden  conversions  are  shams. 

Coquette.     A  coquette  is  a  woman  without  heart, 
who  makes  fools  of  men  without  brains. 

Corn.     Where  weeds  grow  corn  will  grow. 

Corporation.  It  is  idle  to  declaim  against  great  cor- 
porations Civilization  and  the  welfare  of  man 
demand  them.  They  have  come  to  stay. 
The  state  is  a  great  corporation;  we  are  all  stock- 
holders in  it;  but  we  better  "look  a  little  out"  or 
the  directors  will  get  away  with  the  dividends. 


34  LACONICS 


Counsel — counsellor.     Take  counsel  of  the  night. 
If  you  counsel  others  follow  it  yourself. 
Fear  is  a  bad  counsellor. 

Don't  give  counsel  to  a  fool — he  knows  more  than 
you  do. 

Count.     Counts  don't  count  in  America. 

Counts  are  of  little  account,  and  most  of  the  barons 
are  barren. 

Country.     The  large  city  is  the  maelstrom  of  vice 

into  which  the  country  pours  its  youth. 
The  country  feeds  the  city — with   "garden-sass" 
and  greenhorns. 

Courage.     The  brave  man  is  never  a  blusterer. 
Men  admire  courage  and  despise  a  coward. 
Courage  and  caution  win  the  battle. 
Courage  is  a  better  man  with  his  fist  than  a  coward 

with  a  cudgel. 

Fortify  courage  with  patience. 
The  courage  of  the  brave  grows  in  adversity. 
Blind  courage  is  dangerous. 

Cousin.     A  poor  man  has  few  cousins. 
We  are  sometimes  cuzzened  by  cousins. 

Courts  of  justice.     I  know  a  little  squint-eyed  judge 

just  big  enough  to  wiggle  on  the  bench. 
How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss! 

Cover.     Truth  drives  the  liar  under  cover. 

When  it  rains,  split   shakes  are  better   than  no 
cover. 

Coward.    None  but  a  coward  kicks  a  man  that  is  down. 
To  conquer  the  conquered  is  a  coward's  victory. 
Fate  likes  to  stab  a  coward  in  the  back. 
A  tyrant  is  always  a  coward. 


LACONICS  35 


Cowardice.     A  coward  has  the  courage  of  a  rat :  a  rat 

will  fight  desperately  when  driven  into  a  corner. 
Fortune  hates  a  coward. 
Cowards  invite  defeat,  the  brave  command  victory. 

Crab— crab-tree.     The   timid   man   walks  backward 

like  a  crab. 
The  crab-tree  may  bear  pippins  if  well  grafted. 

Craft.     Craft  and  cruelty  are  twins. 
Craft  often  puts  his  own  foot  in  it. 

Creation.     In  the  perfect  circle  of  creation  not  an 
atom  is  lost. 

Credulity — credulous.     Credulity  is  as  natural  to  a 

fool  as  milk  to  a  calf. 
Promises  are  the  pitfalls  of  the  credulous. 

Creed.     I  believe  in  the  creed  of  Nature. 

Men  make  the  creeds,  but  God  ordains  the  law. 
But  all  the  creeds  of  politics  or  priests 
Can't  make  one  error  truth,  one  truth  a  lie. 

Above  all  cant,  all  arguments  of  Men, 
Above  all  superstitions,  old  or  new, 
Above  all  creeds  of  every  age  and  clime, 
Stands  the  eternal  Truth — the  creed  of  creeds. 

Men. 
Men  fit  their  creeds  to  their  interests. 

Creep.     Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
Cowards  creep — men  walk  upright. 

Crime.     Crime  begets  crime,  as  good  begets  good. 
Fear  is  the  constant  shadow  of  crime. 
For  the  same  crime  one  man  goes  to  the  gallows, 

another  to  a  throne. 
Vice  leads  to  crime,  yet  we  wink  at  vice  and  abhor 

crime. 


36  LACONICS 


Criticism — critics.     He  who  looks  only  for  faults  will 

never  find  beauty  in  anything. 
Critics  are  cleaners  of  other  men's  clothes. 
Critics  are  divided  into  bees  and  spiders : 
Where  the  bee   finds   honey,   the  spider  gathers 

venom. 
Fair  criticism  is  like  a  fanning  mill  that  separates 

the  wheat  from  the  chaff. 
Average  literary  criticism  is  like  stale  beer. 
Every  slop-wash  on  a  newspaper  considers  himself 

a  critic. 

Crisis.     "What  will  we  fire  at?— 

Didn't  you  har  Gunnel  say  that  the  Crisis  has  cum  ? 
Fire  at  the  Crisis!"  Capt.  Bragg  at  the  battle 
of  Buena  Vista. 

Bronco   Bill. 

Cross.     He's  hankerin'  for  a  "Cross  of  Gold"  and 
would  wear  a  "Crown  of  Thorns"  to  get  it. 

Crowd.     If  you  are  in  the  crowd,  crowd  ahead. 
Don't  wear  corns  in  a  crowd. 

Cruelty.     Cruelty  is  born  of  cowardice. 

He  who  abuses  dumb  brutes  is  himself  a  brute. 
The  cruelty  of  Nature  is  kindness. 
Human  kindness  is  often  cruelty. 

Culture — cultivation.     Culture  is  to  the  man  what 
cultivation  and  pruning  are  to  the  vine. 

Cunning.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats 

the  bread. 

The  mindless  herd  are  but  the  cunning's  tools, 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  37 


own 


The  cunning  man  always  gets  cheated. 
Cunning  sets  a  trap  for  others,  and  puts  his 
foot  in  it. 

Cup.     He  quaffs  the  cup  of  bitterness  and  smiles. 

Cur.     To  a  yelping  cur  a  bone  or  a  bat, 
A  scalded  cur  is  afraid  of  cold  water. 
Be  a  mastiff  if  you  will — a  cur — never. 
When  the  old  dog  barks  all  the  curs  begin  to  yelp. 

Cure.     Complaint  cures  nothing. 

There  is  no  cure  for  the  follies  of  youth  but  age. 
When  nature  cures  the  doctor  sends  in  a  big  bill. 
One  doctor  may  cure — three  always  kill. 

Curses.     Curses  like  chickens  come  home  to  roost. 

Custom.     We  march  to  the  music  of  the  times. 
All  men  are  slaves,  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  glimmering  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Custom  rules  men;  fashion,  women. 
Custom  is  a  tyrant. 

Cycle.     All  things  move  in  cycles. 

Cypher.     In   the   column    of  units    most  men    are 
cyphers. 

D 

Dainties.     Unbought  dainties  are  the  best. 
Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress 
He's  still  a  monkey  nevertheless. 

(From  the  Spanish.) 

Dally.     Don't  dally  with  danger. 


38  LACONICS 


Danger.     Meet  unavoidable  danger  half-way. 
Take  danger  by  the  horns. 
In  danger,  valor;  in  peace,  charity. 
Fear  danger  afar  off,  when  it  approaches,  face  it. 
In  dodging  one  danger  don't  run  into  another. 
In  safety  beware  of  danger. 
When  the  danger  is  past  the  praying  is  over. 
Fear  doubles  the  danger. 
Don't  dally  with  danger 

Dark.     Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand:  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

If  you  are  in  the  dark,  hark. 

Day — to-day.     To-day  is  ours;  to-morrow? — to-mor- 
row?— there  is  no  to-morrow. 
"I  have  lost  a  day,"  mourned  a  great  Roman: 
Most  of  us  lose  half  our  days. 
Every  day  in  your  life  is  worth  saving. 

Dead.  He  that  waits  for  dead  men's  shoes  will  have 
cold  feet. 

Don't  embalm  a  dead  jackass. 

Pity  not  the  dead,  but  the  living. 

When  you  are  dead  it  will  be  a  long  time  to  break- 
fast. 

Death.     I  fear  not  death,  but  only  the  pain  of  dying. 
t    We  know  not  what  life  is ;  how  may  we  know 

Death — what  it  is,  or  what  may  lie  beyond. 

And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below  ? 

Aye,  is  death  death  ? — or  but  a  happy  change 

From  night  to  light — on  angel  wing's  to  range, 


LACONICS  39 

And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go  ? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know,  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Matter  to  matter,  mind  to  mind  returns. 
.    Death  passes  the  brave  and  catches  the  coward. 
The  melon-colic  days  are  come, 
The  saddest  of  the  year, 
When  bad  boys  jump  the  melon-patch 
With  a  bull-dog  in  the  rear. 

Parody  on  Bryant's  "Death  of  the  Flowers." 

Debt.     The  highest  price  you  can  pay  for  anything 

is  to  run  in  debt  for  it. 

If  you  are  in  debt  you  don't  need  an  alarm  clock. 
If  you  would  sleep  sound  keep  out  of  debt. 
Pay  your  debts  first  and  give  presents  afterwards. 

Deceit.  I  had  rather  be  cheated  now  and  then,  than 
to  believe  all  men  rascals. 

He  who  begins  by  deceiving  others,  will  end  in  de- 
ceiving himself. 

If  one  attempts  to  deceive  you  let  him  believe  you 
are  deceived. 

Who  deceives  others  deceives  himself. 

Deception  deals  in  generalities. 

Deceit  is  the  weapon  of  the  weak. 

Little  minds  deal  in  deceit. 

Decency.     Virtue  and  decency  are  near  akin. 

Deception.     We  deceive  ourselves  oftener  than  we 

deceive  others. 

If  you  deceive  others  you  will  deceive  yourself. 
Self-deception  is  a  pit-fall  dug  by  yourself. 

Decimals.  It  takes  more  than  a  million  decimals  to 
make  one  unit. 

Decision.  The  man  who  does  not  learn  to  say  "No" 
will  be  Nobody. 


40  LACONICS 


It  is  easier  to  say  "No"  than  to  say  "Yes"  and 
suffer  for  it. 

Decision.     When  you  are  in  doubt  it  is  safe  to  refuse. 
Take  pride  in  saying  "No"  when  you  ought  to  say  it. 
Don't  sit  a-straddle  the  fence — decide. 
In  a  doubtful  case  defer  decision. 

Deeds.     I  care  little  for  words:  show  me  his  deeds. 
One  good  deed  is  a  stepping-stone  to  another. 
What  we  have  done  makes  us  what  we  are. 
Great  deeds  are  the  stepping-stones  to  fame. 
Good  deeds  are  good  seeds. 
Let  your  deeds  praise  you,  your  tongue  never. 
Words  are  cheap;  deeds  are  dear. 
Promises  are  cheap;  performance  dear. 
A  bad  deed  is  a  seed  sown  for  bad  weeds. 
Virtue  without  deed  is  gone  to  seed. 
Deeds  are  more  eloquent  than  words. 
One  evil  deed  opens  the  door  for  many. 
A  man  is  the  heir  of  his  own  deeds. 

Deep.     He  dives  deep  and  brings  up  mud. 

Defeat.     In  every  just  cause  defeat  is  the  first  step 
on  the  road  to  victory. 

Grim  in  disaster,  bravest  in  defeat.  Pauline. 

To  a  brave  man  defeat  is  the  first  step  to  victory. 

Defense — defend — defender.     He    that    defends    his 

own  rights  defends  mine. 
Defend  what  you  have  fairly  won. 
If  your  enemy  "smite  you  on  one  cheek,"  turn  the 

other  and — hit  him. 

Defects.     All  great  men  have  defects ;  you  have  a  few 
yourself. 


LACONICS  41 


Delay.  To-morrow  is  the  first  day  in  the  fool's  cal- 
endar. 

While  you  delay  the  opportunity  slips. 

To  delay  is  to  forget. 

Delay  is  dangerous — with  a  pack  of  wolves  in  the 
rear. 

If  you  are  angry  — delay. 

If  you  are  in  serious  doubt — delay. 

The  cat  caught  the  rat  by  delay. 

Deliberation.     Deliberate  quickly  when  occasion  is 

urgent. 

Consider  deliberately;  act  promptly. 
Deliberate — deliberate! — he  was  always  deliberat- 
ing and  never  did  anything  else. 

Delusion.     The  phantom  delusion  flits  ever  before 

us  and  beckons  us  on; 
She  stands  a-tip-toe  at  our  open  grave  and  points 

beyond. 
When  a  little  man  gets  a  delusion  he  hangs  to  it 

like  a  dog  to  a  bone. 
Fools  feed  on  delusions,  wise  men,  on  facts. 

Democracy.     In  a  democracy,  as  in  a  caldron,  the 

scum  rises  to  the  top. 

In  all  history  Democracy  has  proved  a  tyrant. 
The  mob  is  a  many  headed  brute. 
Democracy  is  a  failure— the  masses  must  be  led 

and  controlled  by  strong  and  wise  leaders. 
It  is  as  natural  for  men  to  follow  a  leader  as  it  is 

for  sheep  to  follow  the  bell-wether. 
Where  Grex,  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

Men. 

Demagogue.  In  a  republic  demagogues  spring  up 
like  mushrooms. 


42  LACONICS 


The  primary  object  of  the  demagogue  is  to  gain 
the  applause  of  the  mob ;  and  he  will  fit  his  own 
conscience  to  the  applause. 
Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd; 

With  brazen  faces  full  of  empty  noise 

Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan.  Men. 

Demand.     Yield  to  the  demand  of  your  own  conscience. 
He  demands  double  pay  for  being  honest. 
Every  hour  makes  a  demand  on  us. 

Desert.     Even  in  the    desert    of  Sahara    there    are 

wells  and  garden- spots. 
There  is  water  in  "Death  Valley"  if  you  dig  for  it. 

Dust  of  the  desert  are  thy  walls 

And  temple-towers,  O  Babylon; 
O'er  crumbled  halls  the  lizard  crawls 

And  serpents  bask  in  blaze  of  sun.  Fame. 

Desire.     That  which  is  manifestly  beyond  our  reach 

is  beyond  our  desire. 
Man  often  desires  that  which  he  ought  to  dread 

and  dreads  that  which  he  ought  to  desire. 
Our  ardent  desires  spring  from  our  passions. 
We  easily  imagine  what  we  earnestly  desire. 

Despise.     If  you  despise  your  neighbors,  your  neigh- 
bors will  despise  you. 

Despotism.     The  rule  of  the  majority  is  often  the 

worst  of  despotism. 

There  is  no  despotism  like  that  of  the  many-headed 
monster — the    mob. 

Despair.     Despair  comes  to  the  coward,  never  to  the 
brave. 


LACONICS  43 


Despise.     If  we  despise  the  world,   the  world  will 

despise    us. 
Despise  not  trifles;  there  are  no  trifles  in  this  world. 

Detraction.      Detraction     crushes     the    weak;    but 
strengthens  the  brave. 

Devil.     The  devil  is  always  in  a  hurry. 
There  is  a  devil  in  every  kernel  of  corn. 
There  is  no  devil  like  a  she-devil. 
Give  the  devil  his  due  and  he'll  get  you. 

"The  devil  be  damned,"  is  what  we  preach;  you 

know  it — 

At  mass  and  vespers,  holy-bread  and  dinner; 
From  priest  to  pope,  from  pedagogue  to  poet, 
We  sanctify  the  sin  and  damn  the  sinner. 

The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

When  the  devil  is  taking  a  nap;  go  softly. 

If  the  Devil  were  dead  who  would  feed  the  priest  ? 

The  devil  is  dead,  but  the  poor  still  pay  Peter- 
pence. 

The  Devil  is  still  abroad  in  the  world;  his  other 
name  is  Ignorance. 

"Where  are  ye  goin',  Pat?" 

Pat.  "Me  boy  Tim  hez  run  away  and  gone  to  the 
divil,  an'  I'm  goin'  afther  'im." 

Diamond.     He  will  read  and  range  and  rhyme  in  vain 
Who  hath  no  dust  of  diamonds  in  his  brain. 

Poetry. 

Truth  sparkles  in  his  song  and  like  a  diamond 
gleams.  Poetry. 

He  polishes  a  pebble  and  imagines  it  a  diamond. 

Diamonds  are  only  stones;  'tis  the  glitter  we  prize. 

It's  no  longer  "Diamond  cut  diamond;"  it  is  steel 
cut  steel. 


44  LACONICS 


Dice.     Don't  shake  dice  with  the  devil;  his  dice  are 
loaded. 

Diet.     Regimen  is  better  than  physic;  what  will  aid 

digestion  ? — Work. 
What  will  recruit  strength? — Sleep. 
To  a  hungry  man  a  fish  is  as  good  as  a  fowl. 
Don't  let  the  doctor  diet  you  into  the  dump-hole. 
As  a  rule  whatever  the  stomach  craves  is  good  for 

the  liver  and  all  the  rest  of  the  anatomy. 

Dictator.     In  times  of  anarchy  a  dictator  is  a  savior. 
Nature  is  the  dictator  and  we  have  to  "fall  in." 

Difficulty.     Difficulties  are  spurs  to  a  brave  soul. 
Difficulties  surmounted  become  pleasures. 
Difficulties  surmounted  prove  the  man. 

Diffidence.     Be  modest,  but  don't  be  diffident. 

Self-respect  and  self-reliance  are  cardinal  virtues. 

Diligence — diligent.     If  the  weaver  is  diligent  Fortune 

will  furnish  the  thread. 
Don't  be  diligent  in  doing  nothing. 
Don't  be  diligent  in  a  bad  cause. 
Be  diligent  in  good  work  and  others  will  be  diligent 

in  helping  you. 

Dime.     A  dime  saved  is  a  dollar  earned. 

Ten  cents  make  a  dime — ten  dimes  make  a  dollar — 
put  the  dollar  in  the  Savings  Bank. 

Dinner.     The  best  hour  for  dinner  is  when  you  are 
hungry. 

Dirt — dirty.     He  that  flings  dirt  fouls  his  own  face. 
He  is  a  dirty  dog  that  slanders  a  woman. 
Send  your  dirty  shirt  to  the  wash-tub. 


LACONICS  45 


Disappointment.  Our  ruined  hopes  are  stepping- 
stones  to  peace. 

Disappointment  is  the  lot  of  every  one — -try  it 
again. 

Disappointment  weakens  the  weak,  and  braces 
the  brave. 

Discontent.  God  never  intended  men  to  be  content; 
discontent  spurs  us  forward. 

Discretion — discrete.     Discretion  is  a  safe  guide. 
Zeal  without  discretion  is  an  ass  without  a  bridle. 
A  discreet  man  always  says  less  than  he  knows. 

Disease.     Vanity  is  a  disease — often  hereditary. 
Human  vanity  is  pitiful; — the  gods  smile  at  it. 

Disgrace.  The  fear  of  disgrace,  more  than  the  love 
of  virtue,  deters  men  and  women  from  vice. 

Dishonesty.  The  apparent  success  of  the  dishonest 
is  a  temptation  to  fools. 

Disparagement.  He  who  disparages  himself  to  others 
expects  praise. 

Dispraise.     The  applause  of  fools  is  dispraise. 

Dispute.  In  a  hot  dispute  he  argues  best  who  says 
the  least. 

Distance.     Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

Men. 
Distant  danger  is  too  often  despised. 

Distrust.  To  think  and  feel  we  are  able  is  usually 
to  be  able. 


46  LACONICS 


Don't  distrust  yourself. 

Distrust  the  "sweet  oil"  fellow,  and  the  woman  with 
virtue  on  her  tongue. 

Doctor.     If  you  send  for  a  doctor  you  will  be  ill ; 

If  you  send  for  two,  better  make  your  will. 

Keep  your  heart  warm,  your  head  cool,  and  defy 
the  doctors. 

"I  am  waiting  for  a  patient  like  Patience  on  a  monu- 
ment," said  a  young  doctor  to  his  Irish  servant. 
"An'  whin  ye  gits  'im,"  said  Pat,  "it  won't  be 
long  afore  the  monument  be  on  the  patient." 

Death  is  the  only  doctor  that  cures  all. 

Nature  cures  the  disease  and  the  doctor  sends  in 
his  bill. 

The  doctor's  bills  are  as  bad  as  his  pills. 

Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 
doctor;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 

The  doctor  cured  the  disease  by  killing  the  patient. 

Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are  dead. 

Dog.     Don't  kick  a  mad  dog. 

Let  a  barking  dog  sleep  on  the  back  porch. 

If  you  must  be  a  dog  be  a  bull-dog. 

When  the  dogs  bark  hold  your  tongue. 

Poor  people  keep  dogs  to  eat  the  bread  of  their 

children. 
"I  dinna  ken  which  end  o'  'im  to  believe,"  said  a 

Scotchman  of  a  dog  that  wagged  his  tail  and 

growled. 

A  barking  dog  scares  the  game. 
Every  dog  needs  a  master. 
A  dog  at  his  bone,  let  him  alone. 
When  an  old  dog  growls  beware. 
When  the  old  dog  barks  all  the  curs  begin  to  yelp. 

Dog-fight.     It's  a  dog-fight:  I  bet  on  the  bull-dog. 


LACONICS  47 


It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 
But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. 

War  with  Japan. 

Dollar.     Better  a  dollar  to-day  than  a  promise  of  two 
to-morrow. 

Done.     Nothing  is  done  until  it  is  finished. 
What  is  done  is  done  and  be  done  with  it. 
Better  be  done  right  than  be  half-done  in  a  hurry. 
What  is  not  well  done  is  not  done  at  all. 

Door.     A  wasteful  cook  will  throw  food  out  of  the 
back  door  as  fast  as  you  can  bring  it  in  at  the 
front. 
Don't  open  the  door  of  your  heart  to  everybody. 

Do  something.     Make  at  least  an  ear  of  corn  grow 

where  none  grew  before. 
Do  and  it  will  soon  be  done. 
Do  something  worth  doing. 
Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing  well. 

Doubt.     Doubt  is  the  mother  of  truth. 
In  doubt,  delay. 
Some  people  are  always  in  doubt  and  never  get  out. 

Down.     Lie  down  and  the  world  will  walk  over  you. 
Only  a  coward  will  kick  a  man  who  is  down. 
The  man  who  goes  down  and  rises  again  is  made  of 

good  stuff. 

Three  times  down  an'  three  times  up: 
You'd  better  tackle  sum  ether  pup. 

Bronco  Bill. 

K  we  could  slip  up-hill  as  easily  as  we  slip  down-hill 
we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Doxy.     Keep  your  "doxy;"  I  don't  want  'er; 
I  have  a  "doxy"  of  my  own. 


48  LACONICS 


Dream.     Oh  let  me  dream  the  dreams  of  long  ago. 
And  still  a  phantom  haunted  all  my  dreams, 
Awake  or  sleeping,  for  awake  I  dreamed. 

Dreamed! — O  my  soul  and  was  it  all  dream? 

O  Let  me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  Ago. 

Dreams  will  do  for  a  midnight  "lunch,"  but  give 
me  eggs  and  baked  potatoes  for  breakfast. 

Dregs.     As  with  poor  wine  so  with  the  populace — 
agitation  brings  the  dregs  to  the  top. 

Dress.     The  Hottentot  is  in  full  dress — Nature  was 

his  tailor. 
A  dress-suit  on  a  donkey. 

Jist  think  of  that! — a  stove-pipe  hat, 
Ez  slick  ez  greased  with  lard,  Bob; 
Kid  gloves,  silk  tie,  and  sich  ez  that 
Stuck  onter  our  ole  pard,  Bob. 

Bronco  Bill. 

If  it  were  fashionable  to  go  naked  every  woman 
would  appear  in  public  in  the  full-dress  of  Nature. 

Drift.     It  is  easier  to  drift  than  to  stem  the  current. 
Politicians  are  mostly  drift-wood. 

Drone.    We  work  one  day  for  ourselves  and  two  for 

the  drones. 
Drive  the  drones  out  of  the  hive. 

Drunkenness — drunkard.     Fools  marry  drunkards  to 

reform  them. 
A  man  can  get  intoxicated  on  vanity  as  well  as  on 

rum. 
Most  men  get  drunk  on  success. 


LACONICS  49 


Dude.     When  the  dude  came  home   from  Harvard 

it  rained  Latin,  and  Forte  dux  f el  flat  in  gutter. 
Dudes  will  dawdle  and  girls  will  giggle. 

Dupe.     A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by  a 

woman. 
He  is  duped  by  himself. 

Duplicity.     No  man  can  stay  long  on  both  sides  of 

the   fence. 

Carry  worter  on  both  shoulders, 
An'  yer  bound  ter  wet  yer  pants. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Duty.     Daily  duties  are  as  wholesome  as  daily  bread. 
There  is  no  path  of  safety  but  the  path  of  duty. 
There  is  strength  in  every  duty  done. 
Duty  and  happiness  are  linked  together. 
Do  the  duty  which  lies  nearest. 
On  the  rock  of  duty  stand  steadfast. 

In  dreary  camp,  on  weary  tramp, 
With  "forty  rounds"  and  blistered  feet, 
Through  thicket,  flood  and  fever-fen, 
On  picket  in  the  rain  and  sleet, 
In  bloody  fight,  in  sore  defeat, 
You  did  your  duty: — ye  were  men. 

Message,  etc. 


E 

Ear.     All  ears  and  eyes  and  no  tongue. 

Early  rising.     Better  to  rise  late  and  be  wide  awake, 

than  to  rise  early  and  be  half  asleep. 
"The  early  bird  catches  the  worm,  "but  it's  the  early 
worm  that's  caught. 


50  LACONICS 


Earth.     The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 
An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand, 
Yea,  myriad  millions;  what  are  we?          Fame. 

Let  us  possess  the  earth  before  we  reach  out  for 
the  stars. 

Easy.     An  easy  trot  goes  far  in  a  day. 

If  your  enemy  slander  you,  take  it  easy;  don't 
fret, — let  it  wash  off. 

Eating.     You  can  reach  most  men's  hearts  through 

the  stomach. 
The  poor  man  toils  to  get  food  for  his  stomach; 

the  rich  man  to  get  a  stomach  for  his  food. 
A  good  eater,  a  good  worker. 

Eccentricity.     Eccentricity   in   dress   or   manners   is 

vanity  or  insanity. 

A  monkey's  tail  is  no  prettier  for  being  painted  red. 
Long-haired  poets  are  out  of  fashion. 
Genius  and  eccentricity  are  not  twins. 

Echo.     His  grandfather  was  a  great  man,  but  he  is 

only  an  echo  of  an  echo. 
She  warbles  to  the  echo — her  only  applause. 

Ebb.     Every  flow  has  an  ebb. 

When  the  tide  is  in  catch  fish,  when  it  ebbs  dig 
clams. 

Economy.     If  your  out-go  exceeds  your  income,  you 

will  soon  touch  bottom. 
Economy  and  industry  turn  iron  into  gold. 
Economy  and  industry  are  the  philosopher's  stone. 

Education.     Our  education  begins  when  we  are  born 
and  ends  when  we  do. 


LACONICS  51 

No  man  ever  finished  his  education. 

Observation  and  experience  are  the  best  educators. 

Let  mental  and  physical  training  keep  even  pace. 

Don't  stuff  your  mind,  but  pack  it  carefully. 

Fill  the  bag  with  wheat  and  there  will  be  no  room 
for  tares. 

Abraham  Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log 
cabin. 

Just-out-of-college — "I  have  finished  my  educa- 
tion." Young  man,  you  have  finished  before 
you  begun. 

True  education  should  teach  the  useful  and  the 
good. 

Eel.     You  have  an  eel  by  the  tail ;  hold  him  if  you  can. 

Effect.     He  doctors  the  symptoms  and  not  the  dis- 
ease. 

Few  reason  from  effect  to  cause,  or  from  cause  to 
effect. 

Effort.     What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the 

heart ; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. 

Poetry. 

Nothing  done  without  effort. 
Let  your  efforts  be  directed  by  reason. 
Effort  will  not  turn  a  donkey  into  a  race-horse  or 

a  mud-hen  into  an  eagle. 
Mis-directed  effort  is  time  and  money  wasted. 

Eggs.     ''They  are  egging  him  on,"  said  a  wag,    when 

they  rotten-egged  a  stump-speaker. 
Don't  sit  on  stale  eggs, — let  the  old  hen  do  that. 
It  takes  a  long  time  to  hatch  stale  eggs. 

Egotism.     Self-praise  stinks  in  the  mouth. 
Let  thy  deeds  and  not  thy  tongue  praise  thee. 


52  LACONICS 


Egotism  is  near  sighted. 

Better  overrate  than  underrate  your  own  worth. 

Why  shouldn't  a  man  admire  himself?  he  is  "the 

noblest  work  of  God." 
Don't  imagine  yourself  the  centre  of  gravity. 

Eloquence.     True   eloquence   consists  in  saying  the 
right  thing  in  the  right  way,  at  the  right  time 
and  the  right  place. 
When  the  heart  speaks  the  tongue  is  eloquent. 

Emancipation.     The  will  was  the  will  of  God,  the 
hand  was  the  hand  of  Lincoln. 

Emergency.     Be  prepared  for  emergencies. 
Look  out  for  the  unexpected. 

Employment.     A  life  of  employment  is  a  life  of  enjoy- 
ment. 

Be  employed  at  something  if  it  is  only  in  kicking 
yourself. 

Empty.     When  his  belly  is  full  his  head  is  empty. 
Don't  drop  your  bucket  into  an  empty  well. 
It  is  hard  drawing  wine  out  of  an  empty  cask. 
It  takes  too  long  to  get  a  drink  out  of  an  empty  jug. 

End.     In  the  beginning  look  to  the  end. 

Let  the  means  and  the  end  justify  each  other. 

Enemy.     Conquer  your  enemies,  but  do  not  humiliate 

them. 

Fight  your  enemies  to  make  them  your  friends. 
Study  your  enemies. 
Men  are  often  our  enemies  because  they  do  not 

know  us. 

When  you  lose  an  enemy  you  gain  a  friend. 
If  you  are  wise  you  will  learn  more  of  yourself  from 

your  enemies  than  from  your  friends. 


LACONICS  53 


You  are  bound  to  love  your  enemy,  but  you  are  not 

bound  to  put  your  finger  in  his  mouth. 
He  makes  a  rope  of  sand  to  bind  his  enemies. 
He  that  dallies  with  a  cunning  enemy  puts  his  foot 

in  a  trap. 

Friends  and  enemies  are  both  useful  to  a  wise  man. 
He  who  can  do  you  no  good  as  a  friend,  can  do 

you  harm  as  an  enemy. 
If  your  enemy  is  a  man  make  a  friend  of  him,  if  he 

is  a  dog  kick  him  and  he  will  be  your  servant. 
An  enemy  in  front — an  enemy  in  the  rear; — go 

ahead. 

Divide  your  enemies;  unite  your  friends. 
Among  enemies  sleep  with  your  eyes  open. 

Enjoyment.     Moderate  enjoyment  is  real  enjoyment. 
Joy  to  see  others  enjoy. 
What  you  enjoy  is  yours  and  that  is  all. 

Ennui.     Ennui  is  the  mother  of  many  vices. 

Enough.     He  will  have  enough  to  do  who  tries  to 

please  everybody. 

Enough  is  enough;  more  is  too  much. 
You  have  talked  enough,  now  go  at  it. 
Enough  is  often  too  much. 

Enterprise.     Plan  with  care;  execute  with  vigor. 
The  highest  mountain  lessens  as  we  climb. 
Enterprise  bridges  the  river,   tunnels  the  moun- 
tain, and  spans  the  continent. 
Enterprise  and  energy  know  few  failures. 

Enthusiasm.     How  can  he  kindle  others  who  himself 

is  a  dead  cinder? 
Enthusiasm  has  done  wonders. 
Enthusiasm  without  sense  is  a  lunatic. 


54  LACONICS 


Envy.     The  envious  are  always  inferior. 
Envy  will  find  faults  where  there  are  none. 
Envy,  like  the  moth,  seeks  the  fairest  fruit. 
Envy  is  a  witch  that  bewitches  herself. 
Envy  is  the  thorn  of  little  minds. 
Who  ever  envied  a  man  with  a  brawling  wife  and 
a  boil  on  his  nose? 

Equality.     Hear  mobs  of  idlers  cry — "Equality! 
Let  all  men  share  alike:  divide,  divide." 
Pull  down  the  toiler,  lift  the  idler  up  ? 
Despoil  the  frugal,  crown  the  negligent? 
Offer  rewards  for  idleness  and  crime  ? 
And  pay  a  premium  for  improvidence? 

There  is  no  equality — no  two  men,  or  women,  are 

just  alike. 
Equality?     No  two  grains  of  sand  are  exactly  a- 

like. 

Equity.  Equity  is  measured  by  the  mind  of  the 
judge;  and  many  of  our  judges  take  technicality 
for  equity. 

Error.     We  suck  in  error  with  our  mother-milk. 
Wise  men  err,  but  fools  persevere  in  error. 
Error  is  temporal;  Truth,  eternal. 
The  errors  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive  than 

the  blunders  of  a  fool. 
To  detect  error  start  with  the  truth. 

Eternity — eternal.  Eternity  is  represented  in  a  mo- 
ment of  time. 

Measure  eternity  by  the  town  clock! 
Eternity  will  not  give  back  the  hours  you  squander. 

Eulogy.  In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored  to 
build  a  monument  for  himself. 


LACONICS  55 


Events.     In  the  events  of  today  behold  the  hand  of 

yesterday. 
Do  right;  be  just;  fear  not — events  will  take  care 

of  themselves. 
If  you  cannot  control  events,  you  can  profit  by 

them. 

Keep  your  eye  to  windward ;  get  on  the  right  side 
of  events. 

Everybody.     Don't    try    to    please    everybody;  the 
Almighty  couldn't  do  that. 

Everything.     Everything  has  its  use  and  its  abuse. 
Everything  is  a  part  of  everything. 
"Everything   comes   to   him   who   waits."     So? — 
I  know  a  lot  of  men  who  are  waiting  yet — in  the 
grave-yard. 

Evidence.     Before  you  decide  hear  both  sides. 

Compare  statements  with  probabilities. 

Men  will  color;  men  will  distort;  men  will  conceal; 
men  will  lie;  look  for  the  ear-marks  of  truth. 

Truth  is  plain-spoken,  falsehood  evasive  and  ful- 
some. 

Strong  circumstantial  evidence  rarely  deceives  the 
wary. 

Evil.     Commingled  the  good  and  the  evil; 
Sown  together  the  wheat  and  the  tares; 
In  the  heart  of  the  wheat  is  the  weevil; 
There  is  joy  in  the  midst  of  our  cares. 

Wisdom  will  find  good  in  evil. 
An  imagined  evil  is  a  real  evil. 
One  evil  deed  opens  the  door  for  many. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  from  the  same  womb  and 
rocked  in  the  same  cradle. 

Evil-speaking.     He  who  speaks  evil  will  do  evil. 


56  LACONICS 


Evolution.     Evolution  never  goes  backward. 

Exaggeration.     Some   men's   jackrabbits  are  always 

antelopes. 

Blowhard's  badger  is  a  grizzly  bear. 
Exaggeration  weakens  the  tale. 
The  minnow  he  failed  to  land  was  the  biggest  bass 

in  the  lake. 

Example.   We  echo  what  we  hear  and  ape  what  we  see. 
When  one  goose  gabbles  the  whole  flock  follows. 

Excellence.     Excellence  is  the  reward  of  patient  work. 

Excuse.     His  excuse  is  lame;  it  needs  crutches. 
His  excuse  accuses  him. 

Execution — execute.     The    best    of    plans    may    be 

spoiled  in  execution. 
Plan  deliberately — execute  promptly. 

Expediency.     The  lawful   is  not   always  expedient; 
the  wrongful  never. 

Expense.     The  thriftless  boor  keeps  three  dogs  and 

one  pig. 
Figure  the  expense  and  count  your  pence. 

Experience.     Fools  call  their  folly  experience. 

We  are  often  prophets  to  others  and  fools  for  our- 
selves. 

Personal  experience  is  the  fool's  schoolmaster. 

The  wise  are  taught  by  reason,  most  men  by  ex- 
perience, fools  by  nothing. 

Extremes.     Oppose  extremes;  don't  let  the  tail  wag 

the  dog. 

Extremes  beget  extremes. 
In  all  extremes  there  lies  between 


LACONICS  57 


The  middle   way — the   ' 'golden   mean." 
Avoid  extremes — especially  the  extreme  end  of  a 
wasp. 

Eye.  The  eye  is  the  index  of  the  soul:  Love,  hatred, 
anger,  pity,  sorrow,  joy,  pride,  humility,  truth, 
falsehood,  courage,  cowardice,  are  pictured  there. 

You  can  see  the  lie  in  his  eye. 

The  tongue  can  keep  a  secret  better  than  the  eye. 

You  can  see  a  coward  in  his  eye. 

Seek  ye  the  fairest  lily  of  the  field, 
The  fairest  lotus  that  in  the  lakelet  lies, 
The  fairest  rose  that  ever  morn  revealed, 
And  Love  will  find — from  other  eyes  concealed, 
A  fairer  flower  in  some  fair  woman's  eyes. 

Love  Will  Find. 

We  are  blind  with  our  eyes  wide  open. 
Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes  too. 


F 

Face.     Keep  your  face  to  the  front. 
Face  the  devil  and  he  will  flunk. 
Our  faces,  like  mirrors,  reflect  ourselves. 

Fact.     One  fact  discovered  is  a  lamp  to  light  the 

way  to  others. 

An  ounce  of  fact  is  worth  a  ton  of  fiction. 
We  mold  facts  in  our  own  molds. 
A  new  fact  is  a  new  revelation. 
Every  fact  fits  in  with  all  other  facts. 
Facts!  facts!  we  are  all  looking  for  facts,  but  not 

with  the  same  eyes. 
Let  your  mind  feed  on  facts. 


58  LACONICS 


Fail.     He  who  is  careless  in  small  things  will  fail  in 
great   ones. 

Failure.     It  is  only  the  fool  that  never  fails. 
He  was  born  a  failure. 
Remember  your  failures  are  your  stepping-stones 

to    success. 
If  you  fail  don't  flunk. 

Fair.     He  plays  fair  and  picks  your  pocket. 
He  speaks  too  fair  and  I'll  beware. 
The  fairest  flower  is  without  fruit. 

Faith.  Faith  is  the  foundation  of  society. 
Blind  faith  is  strongest  in  the  weakest. 
Blind  Faith  is  the  religion  of  fools. 

Fall.     Fall  and  the  world  will  laugh;  rise  and  it  will 

applaud. 
A  wise  man  will  never  fall  twice  in  the  same  ditch. 

False.     Although   true,   be   cautious   about   stating 
that  which  appears  to  be  false. 

Falsehood.     It  is  easier  to  detect  falsehood  than  to 

find  the  truth. 
When  falsehood  baits  her  hook  with  bits  of  truth 

she  catches  gudgeons. 
Truth  can  afford  to  go  naked;  falsehood  needs  fine 

clothes. 
In  most  falsehoods  there  are  grains  of  truth. 

Fame.     Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis 

said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for  bread. 

Poetry. 

Fame  is  a  coy  goddess  that  rarely  bestows  her  favors 
on  him  who  seeks  her — a  phantom  that  many 
pursue  and  but  few  overtake. 


LACONICS  59 


Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 
Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware; 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  sweet  praise  or  calumny; 
Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care? 

Poetry. 

For  fame  men  piled  the  Pyramids; 
Their  names  have  perished  with  their  bones; 
For  fame  men  wrote  their  boasted  deeds 
On  Babel  bricks  and  Runic  stones, 

On  Tyrian  temples,  gates  of  brass, 
On  Roman  arch  and  Damask  blades, 
And  perished  like  the  desert  grass 
That  springs  to-day— to-morrow  fades. 

Fame. 

Alas,  Alas,  for  all  things  pass,  and  we  shall  vanish 

too,    as   they; 
We  build  our  monuments  of  brass  and  granite, 

but  they  waste  away. 

Minnetonka. 

Fame  is  as  fickle  as  the  babble  of  men. 

Fame  is  but  the  breath  of  the  populace-,  and  often 

smells  of  garlic. 

There  is  but  a  step  between  fame  and  infamy. 
He  wrote  a  book  despising  fame  and  put  his  own 

name  on  the  title  page. 

Family.     A  family  should  be  "unica  velut  arx" — one 

like  a  citadel. 

Don't  pickle  me  in  a  family  jar. 
If  there  is  ferment  in  a  family  jar,  screw  down  the 

cover. 

Far-away.     Faraway  is  the  happy  land, 
Where  hares  come  leaping  to  your  hand, 
And  ducks  drop  ready  roasted. 


60  LACONICS 


Fine  are  the  fields  that  are  far  away. 
It  is  only  in  a  far-away  land  that  lemons  and  sugar 
and  ice  grow  on  the  same  tree. 

Farce.     When  the  farce  is  played  out,  let  the  curtain 

drop. 
It  is  only  one  step  from  farce  to  tragedy. 

Fashion.     We  dance  to  the  music  of  the  times. 
Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. 
When  Nero's  wife  put  on  her  auburn  wig 
And  at  the  Coliseum  showed  her  head, 
The  hair  of  every  dame  in  Rome  turned  red; 
When  Nero  fiddled  all  Rome  danced  a  jig. 

Poetry. 

If  it  were  the  fashion  to  go  naked,  most  women 

would  follow  the  fashion. 
Fashion  wears  out  more  clothes  than  work. 
Bread  is  cheap,  but  fashion  is  dear. 
Fashion  and  custom  are  the  biggest  items  in  our 

family  expenses. 
The  latest  fashion — a  hay-cock  hat  filled  with  red 

hair 

Fate.     Whet  your  knife  on  the  threshold  of  fate. 
Fight  not  against  fate;  it  is  better  to  bend  than 

to    break. 

There  is  no  armor  against  fate. 
Between  the  cup  and  the  lip  stands  fate. 
Don't  clutch  the  wheel-spokes  of  fate;  try  the  rear 

end  of  an  express  train. 

Father.     A  hard  father,  a  hardy  son. 

He  worked  hard  all  his  life  to  make  his  sons  sports 
and  spendthrifts. 


LACONICS  61 


"My  forefathers  were  noblemen,"  said  the  English- 
man to  Pat, 

"An'  ef  yer  mether  hed  bin  a  onisht  'oman  yez 
wudn't  a-had  but  wan  av  'em."  said  Pat. 

Fault.     Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless  art; 
Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites; 
As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 
So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. 

Poetry 
Small  faults  are  little  thieves. 

The  faultless  man  was  born  tomorrow. 

Those  who  do  nothing  spend  their  time  in  finding 

fault  with  others. 
If  we  had  no  faults  we  wouldn't  be  hunting  for 

faults  in  others. 
We  remember  the  faults  of    others  and  forget  our 

own. 
Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  forget 

your   virtues. 
We  can  hide  our  faults  from  ourselves  easier  than 

from    others. 
The  man  without  faults  is  in  the  cemetery. 

Favor.     If  you  cannot  grant  a  favor  asked, — refuse 

graciously  and  without  delay. 
A  handsome  woman  finds  favor  among  men,  and 
but  little  among  her  own  sex. 

Fear.     Brave  Red  Cloud  is  only  afraid  of  fear. 

The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Fear  turns  the  black  sheep  into  a  bear. 
Fear  multiplies  the  enemy  ten-fold. 
When  fear  enters,  wisdom  departs. 
Fear  makes  a  wolf  out  of  a  jack- rabbit. 


62  LACONICS 


Conceal  your  fear  under  a  bold  front. 
Fear  is  a  bad  counsellor. 
Fear  doubles  the  danger. 

Feast.  He  who  comes  after  the  feast  must  be  con- 
tent with  the  bones. 

A  frog's  leg  is  a  feast  for  a  Frenchman. 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  make  a  feast  for  a  hungry 
man. 

Too  late  to  the  feast, — the  dogs  have  the  bones. 

After  the  feast,  bones — bones. 

Ah,  sweet  content — the  blessing  of  the  blest — 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table — East  or  West — 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

Feather.     He  fans  with  a  feather  and  imagines  he 

has  started  a  huriicane. 
Fine  feathers  make  a  fine  rooster. 
She  is  all  pads  and  feathers, 
His  cockloft  is  full  of  feathers. 

Fetter.     Even  golden  fetters  become  hateful. 

He  who  forges  fetters  for  others  may  wear  them 

himself. 
We  all  wear  fetters;  some  of  iron,  some  of  gold. 

Fickle.     The  wife  that  is  fickle  is  soon  in  a  pickle. 

Fiddler.     Every  fiddler  thinks  his  own  fiddling  the 

finest. 

When  Nero  fiddled  all  Rome  danced  a  jig. 
He   fiddled— and   fiddled— his   fiddle-de-de. 

Fight.     A  Frenchman  fights  before  he  reasons; 
A  Scotchman  reasons  before  he  fights; 
An  Irishman  fights  for  the  fun  of  it; 
And  an  Englishman  fights  when  he  thinks  he  can 
whip   his   antagonist. 


LACONICS  65 


It  is  better  to  fall  fighting  than  to  be  shot  in  the 

back. 
Said  Pat:  "Oi'm  niver  so  much  at  pace  as  whin 

Oi'm  in  a  foight." 

The  main  thing  in  this  world  is  to  fight  a  good  fight. 
Men  are  prone  to  fight;  even  wolves  agree  among 

themselves. 

"War  yer  in  the  battle  of  Bull  Run,  Pat?" 
"Sure  Oi  wuz." 
"An  whar  waz  yer?" 
"Oi  wuz  behint  at  the  Bui  an'  afore  at  the  Run." 

Figure-head.     How  often  the  head  figure  is  a  mere 
figure-head. 

Finite.     In  the  finite  find  the  infinite. 

Fire.     Fight  fire  with  fire. 

There  is  no  fire  in  the  flint  till  steel  strikes  it. 
An  angry  man  is  like  one  who  attempts  to  quench 

a  fire  with  kerosene. 
Under  ashes  fire. 

Fire  in  the  heart,  smoke  in  the  head. 
Fire  won't  burn  without  fuel. 
A  little  hot-head  will  sometimes  kindle  a  big  fire. 
Look  out  for  a  fire  in  the  rear. 
He  fired  in  the  air,  but  the  little  dogs  barked. 

Fish.     The  fish  the  fisherman  fails  to  land  is  the 

biggest  fish  in  the  pond. 
Fish  with  a  silver  hook. 
Don't  try  to  catch  a  trout  with  a  chunk  of  pork 

on   a   pot-hook. 

The  easiest  fish  to  catch  is  a  "sucker." 
Don't  fish  whar  thar  ain't  no  fish. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Flag.     Every  man  for  the  flag  and  the  flag  for  us  all. 


64  LACONICS 


Flattery — flatterer.     We   dislike    those    who    flatter 

too  much,  and  hate  those  who  don't  flatter  at  all. 
A  man  who  is  too  deaf  to  hear  good  counsel  will 

hear  flattery  a  mile  off. 
The  only  flatterer  I  fear  is  myself. 
Shrewd  men  flatter  us  to  our  friends,  that  it  may 

come  to  our  ears. 

Flatterers  are  the  parasites  of  the  powerful. 
Flattery  is  fit  pap  for  fools. 
We  can  flatter  no  one  so  easily  as  ourselves. 
The  worst  flatterer  is  he  who  flatters  the  masses. 
Flattery  will  not  hurt  us  if  we  don't  flatter  ourselves. 
When  Nature  changes  her  nature  you  may  trust 

a  flatterer. 
He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of  flattery. 

Flies.     If  you  would  catch  flies  drop  a  little  honey 

on  your  tongue. 
Flies  can  annoy  a  lion. 

Flinch.     Never  flinch  however  much  you  fear. 
It's    a    "cinch," — inch    by    inch — 
Win  your  way  and  never  flinch. 

Flower.     The  flower  must  fade  before  the  fruit  appears. 
The  fairest  flowers  are  rarely  the  sweetest. 

Flock.     When  one  duck  flies  the  flock  follows. 

If  you  want  to  control  the  flock  catch  the  bell- 
wether. 

Foe.     We  are  sharpened  by  the  files  of  our  foes. 
Fight  a  foe  to  make  a  friend  of  him. 

Follow.     Follow  the  bees  and  you  will  find  the  hive. 
Follow  the  crows  and  you  will  find  the  carion. 
Men,  like  geese,  follow  in  flocks. 


LACONICS  65 


Folly.     When  we  laugh  at  the  follies  of  others  let  us 
look  at  our  own. 

Food.     Feed  neither  mind  nor  body  continually  on 

the  same  food. 
Flattery  is  fit  pap  for  fools. 
It  is  better  to  discover  a  new  food  for  man  on  earth 

than  a  new  star  in  the  sky. 
The  poor  have  little  food  for  their  stomachs,  the  rich 

little  stomach  for  their  food. 
Feed  a  vain  man  on  flattery — it's    plum-puddin' 

to   him. 

Fool.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the 

bread. 

For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools, 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  fool  acts  first  and  asks  advice  afterwards. 

A  fool  is  often  as  dangerous  to  deal  with  as  a  knave. 

Fools  follow  the  opinion  of  others,  wise  men  think 

for   themselves. 
Only  fools  are  born  wise. 

There  is  one  crop  that  never  fails — the  crop  of  fools. 
Fools  fly  in  flocks. 

Nature  miscarried  when  a  fool  was  born. 
A  fool  walks  with  his  mouth  open  and  his  eyes  shut. 
He  who  discovers  that  he  is  a  fool  has  found  the 

right  road  to  wisdom. 

Some  talk  like  philosophers  and  live  like  fools. 
Even  a  wise  man  may  sometimes  make  a  fool  of 

himself. 
When  nature  gave  him  a  long  tongue  and  a  little 

brain  she  meant  him  for  a  fool. 
There  is  no  cure  for  a  fool. 
The  fool's  mouth  is  open  for  flies. 


66  LACONICS 


Every  fool  has  a  goose  that  lays  a  golden  egg  to- 
morrow. 

A  fool  blames  others  for  his  faults;  a  wise  man 
blames  himself. 

The  land  of  fools  is  the  paradise  of  knaves. 

He  is  a  fool  who  gets  two  black  eyes  to  blacken  one 
of  his  enemy. 

The  young  fools  call  their  elders  the  old  fools. 

Foolish.  It  is  a  foolish  chicken  that  runs  to  the  fox 
for  protection. 

Forbearance.     Bear  and  forbear,   I  counsel  thee; 
Forgive  and  be  forgiven, 
For  charity  is  the  golden  key 
That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 

If  he  calls  you  a  fool,  forbear;  if  he  calls  you  a  liar, 
hit  'im. 

Forefathers.  "I  can't  boasht  av  me  forefathers," 
said  Pat,  "fer  I  duno  who  the  divil  they  wuz,  but 
I  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity  fer  Biddie  an'  Oi  hez 
twinty  wan  av  'em." 

Foremost.  In  politics  the  foremost  is  soon  the  hind- 
most. 

"I  desarve  a  pinsion,"  said  Pat,  "I  wuz  the  hind- 
most in  the  foight  an'  the  foremost  in  the  retrate, 
sor." 

Fore-sight.     File  your  fore-sight;   your  hind-sight  is 

good  enough. 

His  fore-sight  is  blunt,  but  his  hind-sight  is  fine. 
If  our  fore-sight  were  as  good  as  our  hind-sight  we 

would  seldom  miss  the  mark. 
Most  men  have  hind-sight,  some,  fore-sight  and  a 

rare  few  circum-sight. 


LACONICS  67 


Fore-thought.     Patch  the  roof  before  it  rains. 
The  fore-thought  of  a  fool  is  always  behind. 

Forgetfulness — forget.     His  forgettery  is  better  than 

his    memory. 
To  delay  is  to  forget. 

Forgiveness.     Let  there  be  no  room  in  thy  heart  for 

the  memory  of  a  wrong. 
Never  does  the  human  heart  appear  so  strong  and 

noble  as  when  it  foregoes  revenge. 
It  is  easier  to  forgive  those  who  have  injured  us  than 

those  whom  we  have  injured. 
The  offender  seldom  forgives. 
Forgiveness  is  commendable,  but  some  men  need 

licking. 

Forgive  but  don't  forget. 
If  you  would  be  forgiven,  forgive. 

Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee, 

Forgive  and  be  forgiven, 
For  Charity  is  the  golden  key 

That  opens  the  gate  of  Heaven.  Charity. 

Fortitude.     Grim   in   disaster — bravest   in   defeat, 
He  leaped  not  into  danger  without  cause, 
Nor  shrank  he  from  it  though  a  gulf  of  fire, 
When  duty  bade  him  face  it.  Pauline 

Fortify  yourself  with  fortitude  and  Fortune  will 
favor   you. 

Fortune.     A  fortune  is  often  a  misfortune. 
When  fortune  blows,  hoist  your  sails. 
He  is  a  shrewd  man  who  knows  'how  to  make  a 

fortune;  a  wise  man  who  knows  how  to  keep  it; 

but  he  is  the  wisest  who  knows  how  to  enjoy  it. 
The  way  to  court  fortune  is  to  meet  her  half-way. 


68  LACONICS 


Fortune  rarely  smiles  on  him  who  complains  of  her 
Friends  and  fortune  fly  together. 
The  way  to  gain  the  favor  of  fortune  is  to  compel  it. 
When  you  are  at  the  top  of  the  hill  all  roads  lead 

downward. 

A  small  fortune  is  safer  than  a  big  one. 
How  often  fortune  plays  the  coquette — smiling  at 

first  and  mocking  us  afterwards. 
Weave   diligently  and    Fortune   will   furnish    the 

thread. 
When  fortune  knocks  at  the  door  be  ready  to  let 

her  in. 

Fortune  sells  what  she  seems  to  give. 
He  is  waiting  for  a  fortune — with  a  hole  in  his  hat 

and  a  patch  on  his  pants. 

Forward.  A  man  cannot  stand  still;  he  must  go  for- 
ward or  backward. 

Forward! — Forward! — That  is  the  word  that  wins 
the  victory. 

Don't  be  backward  in  coming  forward  in  your  own 
cause. 

Fountain.     If  you  want  pure  water  go  to  the  fountain. 

Fox.     The  fox  never  gets  caught  twice  in  the  same 

trap. 
Under  the  bait  the  old  fox  smells  the  hidden  trap. 

Foxy.     He  was  so  foxy  that  he  outwitted  himself. 

Freak.     A  truly  wise  man  is  a  freak  of  nature. 

Men. 

Freedom.  The  word  Freedom  has  covered  a  multi- 
tude of  wrongs. 


LACONICS  69 


Friend — friendship.  A  true  friend  divides  our  sor- 
rows and  doubles  our  joys. 

A  friend  that  frowns  is  better  than  a  smiling  enemy . 

How  many  friends  are  like  the  swallows  that  make 
their  nests  under  your  roof  in  summer  and  in 
autumn  fly  away. 

We  never  know  the  value  of  a  true  friend  until  we 
lose  him. 

I  have  one  friend  I  can  depend  on — he  is  in  my 
pocket. 

Be  your  friend's  friend,  but  not  the  friend  of  his 
faults. 

He  has  a  hundred  friends  of  his  fortune  to  one  of 

himself. 

A  summer  friend  is  a  friend  to  feed; 
A  winter  friend  is  a  friend  indeed. 
Fear  your  friends  and  face  your  enemies. 
Friendship  is  a  plant  that  needs  watering. 
Friendship  can't  stand  on  one  leg. 
True  friendship  is  like  old  wine;  the  older  it  grows 

the  stronger  it  grows. 

The  man  who  has  no  need  of  friends  will  have  many. 
A  fool  friend  is  more  dangerous  than  an  open  enemy. 
Friends  and  enemies  are  both  useful  to  a  wise  man. 
My  friend  is  my  brother  of  my  own  choosing. 
A  friend's  face  is  a  good  mirror. 
Between  true  friends,  truth — nothing  but  truth. 
In  prosperity  beware  of  friends,  in  adversity  they 

will  beware  of  you. 

You  will  never  find  a  friend  without  a  fault. 
The  friend  who  tells  you  your  faults  is  the  friend 

to   tie   to. 

Frog.  Better  a  big  frog  in  a  little  puddle,  than  a 
little  frog  in  a  big  puddle. 


70  LACONICS 


Froth.     When  the  pot  boils  the  froth  comes  to  the 

top. 
The  mob  is  like  lager  beer — the  froth  on  top. 

Frugality.     He  is  the  least  in  want  who  wants  the 

least. 
Save  your  pennies  and  your  pennies  will  save  you. 

Fruit.     The  blossom  withers  when  the  fruit  appears. 
The  fairest  fruit  may  have  a  worm  in  it. 
The  best  fruit  ripens  late. 
Don't  pluck  the  apple  till  it  is  ripe. 
The  fig-tree  that  fails  to  bear — root  it  out, — plant 
potatoes. 

Fury.     Let  rage  waste  itself  in  idle  fury. 
Fury  is  fit  for  wild  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Future — futurity.     The    future    grows    out    of    the 

present  and  the  past. 
An  old  man's  future  is  in  the  past. 
He  that  would  judge  the  future  must  know  the 

past. 
It  is  well  that  the  future  is  concealed. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand:  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  Future  is  written  in  the  past. 

We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the  infinite 

future. 
Take  care  of  the  present  and  the  future  will  take 

care  of  itself. 
With  his  eyes  on  the  future  he  stumbles  through 

the   present. 


LACONICS  71 


G 

Gain.     In  a  bad  cause  it  is  better  to  lose  than  to  gain. 

Dust  to  Dust: 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost  ? 
What  have  you  gained  if  you  strive  and  struggle 
all  your  life  to  gain  a  fortune  for  prodigals  to 
squander  ? 

Garment.  Everyone  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue 
if  it  is  only  a  fig-leaf. 

Garden — gardener.  God  made  the  first  garden  and 
Cain,  who  slew  his  own  brother,  built  the  first 
city. 

Every  man  and  woman  ought  to  be  a  gardener. 

We  are  all  in  God's  garden;  let  us  root  out  the  weeds 
and  plant  potatoes. 

General — generalship.     Napoleon  showed  his  greatest 

generalship  in  selecting  his  Marshals. 
A  good  general  commands  himself. 
"What  makes  a  good  general?"  asked  Lincoln. 
"A  bull-dog,"  said  General  Grant. 

Generation.  A  generation  is  like  a  swarm  of  gnats 
— born  in  June — dead  in  October. 

Generous.     He  who  gives  to  every  beggar  beggars 

himself. 

Vanity  is  the  well-spring  of  much  generosity. 
He  who  gives  publicly  likes  to  see  his  name  in  the 

newspapers. 
Men  who  have  wrung  hundreds  of  millions  out  of  the 

people  generously  give  a  fraction  to  universities 

and  libraries  to  write  their  names  over  the  doors. 
Be   generous  to  your  true  friends  and  don't  be 

stingy  with  yourself. 


72  LACONICS 


Genius.     Genius  is  patience,  labor  and  good  sense. 
Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.     Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor  is  the  same: 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. 

Poetry. 

An  eagle's  egg  may  be  hatched  in  a  hen-coop. 
A  swan's  egg  may  be  hatched  on  a  dung-hill. 

Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  finest  silk:  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will, 
And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. 

Poetry. 

Genius  is  a  bundle  of  nerves  bent  to  hard  work. 
Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 

Get.     If  you  want  to  win  "get  up  and  get." 
It  is  easier  to  get  than  to  keep. 
It  is  hard  to  get  to  the  top :  you  can  slide  to  the 
bottom. 

Geology.     Geology  traces  the  foot-prints  of  Time. 
Geology  teaches  us  how  God  built  the  Earth. 

Giddy.     A   giddy   girl  makes  a  fool  of    her   mother 
at  ten,  at  twenty  she  makes  a  fool  of  herself. 

Gift — give — giver.     Give  and  take  but  don't  "give  in." 
It  is  better  to  give  than  to  take. 
Don't  insult  the  worthy  giver  by  refusing  the  gift 
he  can  afford. 

Girl.     Hear  the  old  mother  talk!     You  would  think 

she  never  was  a  girl  herself. 
Girls — Girls — Girls,  be  gay  but  not  giddy. 
Some  women  are  always  girls  and  die  giggling. 


LACONICS  73 


Glitter.     Diamonds  are  only  stones;  'tis  the  glitter 
we    prize. 

Glove.     If  you  handle  nettles  put  on  gloves. 
Strike  your  friend  gently  with  a  gloved  hand. 
You  can  tell  a  sloven  by  the  fit  of  her  glove. 

Gluttony.     Where  one  dies  of  hunger  a  thousand  die 

of  gluttony. 

A  glutton  ought  to  be  a  scavenger. 
A  glutton's  guts  are  the  principal  part  of  him. 

God.     Know  only  this — there  is  a  Power  unknown, 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. 

Beyond. 

All  things  in  nature  bear  God's  signature 
So  plainly  writ  that  he  who  runs  may  read. 

Men. 
God's  perfect  order  rules  the  universe. 

Hope  and  Trust. 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah,  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan; 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just: 

Hope  and  Trust. 

Dust  to  Dust. 

Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  His; 
Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  He; 
One  mighty  heart  throbs  in  the  earth  and  sea, 
In  every  star  through  heaven's  immensity; 
And  God  in  all  things  breathes,  in  all  things  is. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Measure  for  measure,  measure  God  by  man? 
God  gives  us  nothing  but  life,  all  else  he  sells  to  us 
at  a  fair  price. 


74  LACONICS 


Thou  art  the  god  of  thine  idolatry: 

The  fool  fashions  God  after  himself. 

The  years  of  God  are  one. 

Time  hath  not  touched  the  great  All-father's  Throne. 

Gold — golden.     The  golden  age  is  the  age  of  gold. 
Fish  with  a  golden  hook. 
Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

Men. 

This  is  surely  the  "Golden  Age" — we  worship  the 

"Golden  Calf." 
It  takes  a  gold-mine  to  operate  an  iron-mine. 

Gone.     Gone  is  gone  and  you  needn't  chase  it. 

Good.     There  is  good  in  all  things  for  him  who  knows 

how  to  find  it. 

If  good  is  within  good  will  come  out. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  twins,  but  ever  at  war. 
There  is  good  in  all  things  and  evil  in  all  things. 
Good  is  good,  but  the  best  is  better. 
He  is  good  — good  for  nothing. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  from  the  same  womb  and 

rocked  in  the  same  cradle. 

Good  Times.     All  times  are  good  times  if  you  know 

what  to  do  and  how  to  do  it. 
He  never  ventured:   he  was  always  waiting  for 

"Good   Times." 
A  blacksmith  can  make   "good  times"   with  his 

hammer  on  his  anvil. 
Good  Times? — all  times  are  "good  times." 

Good-breeding.     Good  seed — good  breed. 

Wisdom  and  virtue;  are  gems — good-breeding  the 
setting. 


LACONICS  75 


A  Poland-China  pig  is  well-bred. 

That  thorough-bred  was  born  in  Berkshire. 

Good  Humor.     Good  humor  is  better  than  a  dress 

suit. 

"Out  o'  humor?"  said  the  conductor. 
"Bet  yer  life  I'm  outer  Yuma,"  said  the  cow-boy; 

"druther  frizzle  in  a  fryin'-pan." 

Goose.     Hear  the  fox  preach  to  the  geese. 
Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape. 
When  the  coyote  yelps  corral  your  geese. 

Gospel.     The  gospel  of  God  is  written  in  every  blade 
of  grass. 

Gossip.     Gossip  and  Liar  are  twins. 
Hear-say  is  her-say. 
One  tongue  is  enough    for  gossip,  but  she  wags  it 

in  all  tongues. 

She  sugars  her  tea  with  gossip  and    peppers    her 
chops  with  scandal. 

Govern — Government.     A   wise    government    should 

lead  the  people,  not  follow  them. 
We  are  all  stock-holders  in  the  government  —  watch 

the  directors. 

Government  by  the  mob  is  anarchy. 
Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 
To  govern  well  one  should  first  learn  to  obey. 

Grain.     The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea.  Fame 

A  grist  of  words  and  a  grain  of  sense. 
Don't  rub  a  man  against  the  grain. 

Grandfather.     He    is    but    an  echo  of  an  echo;  his 
grandfather  was  a  man. 


76  LACONICS 


We    know  more  than    our    grandfathers  and  our 
grand-children  will  know  more  than  we. 

Grapes.     The  best  grapes  hang  highest. 

If  you  can't  reach  the  grapes  don't  cry  sour]  try 

a  step-ladder. 
Sweet  grapes  make  sour  wine. 

Gratitude.     The  gratitude  of  the  selfish  is  only  a  bid 

for  further  favors. 

If  you  do  a  "hog"  a  favor  he  will  only  grunt  his 
gratitude. 

Gravity.     Gravity  may  be  the  robe  of  wisdom  or  the 

cloak  of  a  dunce. 
Don't  imagine  that  you  are  the  center  of  gravity. 

Great — Greatness.     The  great  are  great  only  because 

we  are  little. 
Better  be  great  among  the  little  than  little  among 

the  great. 
It  is  better  to  be  great  in  little  things  than  little  in 

great  things. 

He  is  greatest  who  has  done  most  for  his  fellow  men. 
The  beginnings  of  great  things  are  little  things. 

Greek. 

Priests,  versed  in  dead  rituals,  in  dead  language  deep, 
Talk  Greek  to  the  grex  and  Latin  to  their  sheep, 
And  feed  their  flocks  a  flood  of  cant  and  college 
For  every  drop  of  sense  or  useful  knowledge 

The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

Grief.     Pent  up  grief  breaks  the  bones. 
Great  grief  cures  little  griefs. 
Grief  was  petrified  in  her  face. 
She  wears  weeds  for  her  dead  husband  and  grieves 
for  another. 


LACONICS  77 


Guilt — Guilty.     Guilt  fears  its  own  shadow. 

"How  say  you,  guilty    or  not  guilty,"    said  the 
judge  to    Pat    who    was    indicted    for    larceny. 
"Bless  yer  sowl,  how  the  divil  can  Oi  tell  till  Oi 
hear  the  ividence,"  said  Pat. 
To  spare  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the  innocent. 

(After  Lord  Coke.) 

The  face  of  the  guiltiest  often  looks  the  most  inno- 
cent. 

H 

Habit.     Habit  is  as  powerful  as  a  pair  of  mules. 

All  men  are  slaves,  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  shining  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  best  way  to  cure  a  had  habit  is  never  to  ac- 
quire   it. 
Bad  habits  are  at  first  cobwebs,  at  last,  fetters. 

Hair.     He  whose  sinewy  arms 

Might  break  through  bars  of  steel  like  bands  of  straw, 
Caught  in  the  net  of  her  unloosened  hair, 
A  helpless  prisoner  lies  and  loves  his  chains. 

Change. 

Ah  the  best  of  men  are  tangled — 

Sometimes  tangled  in  the  tresses 

Of  a  fair  and  crafty  woman.  The  Sea  Gull 

Half.     A  half  truth  is  a  whole  lie. 
Don't  be  half  and  half  in  anything. 

Hammer.     Men  of  mettle  are  made  between  the  ham- 
mer and  the  anvil. 


78  LACONICS 


Hand-saw — buck-saw.     He  lathers  you  with  a  scrub- 
broom  and  shaves  you  with  a  hand-saw. 
He  is  a  boss-carpenter — he  handled  a  buck-saw  in 
Sweden. 

Handsome.     Most  women  would  rather  be  handsome 

than   good. 
A  handsome  woman  is  a  pit-fall  for  herself. 

Happiness — Happy.     Happy  is  he  who  thinks  himself 
happy. 

Had  man  the  blessed  wisdom  of  content 
Happy  were  he,  as  wise  Horatius  sung, 
To  whom  God  gives  enough  with  sparing  hand. 

Men. 

You  cannot  weigh  happiness  with  scales  or  measure 

it  with   a  yard-stick. 
Fools  travel  in  search  of  happiness;  a  wise  man 

finds  it  at  home. 

Happiness  depends  more  upon  health  than  wealth. 
Count  yourself  happy  if  God  gives  you  bread  and 

sleep. 

Hard.     It  is  hard  sledding  where  there  is  no  snow. 
A  hard  father,  a  hardy  son. 
It  is  hard  to  break  an  old  horse. 

Hardship.     Power  is   developed  by  peril  and  hard- 
ship. 

What  our  forefathers  considered  comfort  we  would 
call  hardship. 

Harp.     The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  selfsame  tune 
Forever.  Change. 

The  only  harp  he  plays  on  is  a  Jew's  harp. 
He  is  always  harping  on  one  string. 


LACONICS  79 


If  angels  have  musical  instruments,  the  angels  that 
emigrated  from  the  Highlands  of  Scotland  prob- 
ably play  on  bag-pipes. 

Harvest.     "What  will  the  harvest  be?"     What  was 
the  seed,  the  soil  and  the  cultivation  ? 

Haste — hasty.     Be  always  in  haste,  but  never  in  a 

hurry. 

Hurry  and  worry,  fluster  and  flurry. 
Who  judges  others  hastily,  condemns  himself. 

Hat.     A  silk  hat; — a  fine  cover  for  a  cracked  pot. 
Hats  are  made  to  make  bald  heads. 

Hatch.     It  takes  a  long  time  to  hatch  stale  eggs. 
He  is  always  brooding  but  never  hatches  a  "chick." 

Hate — hatred.     Hatred  is  a  hard  burden  for   him 

who  carries  it. 
His  face  is  petrified  Hate. 
I  hate  a  woman  in  pants  and  a  man  in  petticoats. 

Hay.     Make  hay  while  the  sun  shines  and  when  it 
rains  get  under  the  rick. 

Head.     Let  head  and  heart  go  hand  in  hand, 
Nor  one  behind  the  other; 
Then  where  the  head  may  find  a  man 
The  heart  will  find  a  brother. 
Carry  a  level  head  and  a  close  mouth  or  you  will 

spill  yourself. 

His  head  will  never  fill  his  pocket. 
There  can  be  but  one  head  to  a  happy  family. 
Don't  think  more  of  your  hat  than  your  head. 
It  is  better  to  have  a  good  head  for  a  hat,  than  a 

fine  hat  for  the  head. 


80  LACONICS 


"Two  heads  are  better  than  one" — if  they  can  agree. 
It  is  better  to  be  the  head  of  the  Commons  than 

the  tail  of  the  Lords. 
The  head  is  rare  that  conquers  the  heart. 
A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 
You  can't  get  to  the  head  without  a  head. 

Health.     Good  health  is  better  than  a  gold  mine. 
It  is  only  the  sick  that  know  the  value  of  health. 
Health  is  happiness. 
He  is  a  fool  who  would  sacrifice  health  for  wealth. 

Hear.     Hear  both  sides  and  say  nothing. 

Hearsay.     Hearsay  is  mostly  her-say. 
Hearsay  is  a  peddler  of  lies. 

Heart.     What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to   the 
heart. 

The  well-spring  of  our  best  thoughts  is  in  the  heart. 

Nor  reason  rules  the  head,  but  aye  the  heart: 
The  head  is  weak,  the  throbbing  heart  is  strong; 
But  when  the  heart  is  right,  the  head  is  not  far 
wrong. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  heart  speaks  all  tongues: 

Everybody  understands  the  language  of  the  heart. 

Human  hearts  beat  in  pairs. 

The  heart  of  a  woman  will  out-reason  the  head  of 

a  philosopher. 
A  willing  heart  finds  time. 
Pray  for  a  stout  heart  and  a  strong  arm. 

Heed.     Take  heed  of  a  silent  man  lest  you  stir  up  a 
lion. 

Heir.     Man  is  the  heir  of  his  own  deeds. 


LACONICS  81 


Hell.     Harrow  hell  and  rake  up  devils. 

There  is  so  much  Hell  on  earth  what  need  is  there 
of  a  Hell  hereafter? 

Help.     A  man  is  his  own  best  helper. 

Help  is  a  hindrance  to  him  who  does  not  try  to 

help  himself. 
You  can't  help  a  man  who  will  not  help  himself. 

Hen.     It  is  a  sorry  roost  where  the  hen  crows  and  the 
cock   cackles. 

Hero — heroism.     Fortune  and  fortitude  make  heroes. 
As  wheat  is  winnowed  out  in  the  wind,  so  are  heroes 

winnowed  out  in  war. 
A  moral  hero  is  the  greatest  of  all  heroes. 
Don't  mistake  a  boaster  for  a  hero. 
Heroes  are  ever  modest. 
Men  who  were  moral  cowards  have  been  writ  into 

heroes  in   history. 

History  (his-story)  has  made  heroes  out  of  braggarts. 
A  mere  brute  can  never  be  a  hero. 
A  real  hero  don't  need  a  megaphone  or  a  staff  of 

press-reporters. 
The   true   hero   has   a   kind   heart. 

Highway.     He  left  the  highway  for  a  by-way  and 
fell  into  a  fen. 

Himself.     He  who  serves  himself  has  a  good  servant 

and  a  wise  master. 

He  who  disparages  himself  to  others  expects  praise. 
The  man  who  is  tired  of  himself  seeks  bad  company. 
However  rich,  he  who  lives  for  himself  alone  is  poor 

indeed. 

A  man  can  bridle  a  bronco  easier  than  he  can  bridle 
himself. 


82  LACONICS 


He  knows  much  who  knows  himself. 
In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored  to  build 
a  monument  to  himself. 

History.     History  should  be  spelled  H-i-s-s-t-o-r-y. 
All  history  is  the  register,  we  find, 
Of  the  crimes  and  lusts  and  miseries  of  mankind. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Most  history  is  a  mixed  mass  of  facts  and  fiction. 
Hit.     He  made  a  good  hit — he  hit  himself. 

Hobby — hobby-horse.     Every  man  has  his  hobby  if 

it  is  only  a  goat. 

No  use  trying  to  put  a  halter  on  a  hobby-horse. 
Get  thee  a  hobby-horse,  be  it  only  .a  he-goat. 
Fast  horses  are  expensive  but   hobby-horses  cost 

more. 

Astraddle  his  hobby-horse  he  rides  like  a  Don. 
He  rides  a  stuffed  hobby-horse   and   thinks  it  a 

Pegasus. 
When  he  was  a  little  boy  he  rode  a  hobby-horse; 

now  he  rides  a  hobby. 

Holiday.     There   is  no   holiday   in   the   calendar   of 

Nature — every  day  is  a  work-day. 
Holiday  was  at  first  a  Holy-day.     It  is  now  a  jolly- 
day.     That's    better. 

Home.     A  home  is  home  if  it  is  only  a  hut. 

"Home,  sweet  home" — is  the  song  of  the  bees. 

Homer.     But  for  Homer  we  would  have  no  Hector, 

no   Achilles. 

Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis  said, 
Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for  bread. 

Honesty.     No  honest  man  has  need  of  a  rogue. 


LACONICS  83 


Diogines  went  with  a  lantern  in  search  of  an  honest 
man.  If  he  had  been  honest  himself  he  needn't 
have  gone  beyond  his  tub. 

Nothing  so  much  resembles  an  honest  man  as  a 
shrewd  rascal. 

He  demands  double  pay  for  being  honest. 

Honey.     Honey  in  the  mouth  is  money  in  the  purse. 
Honey  is  easily  turned  into  vinegar. 
Flattery  is  honey-tongued. 

Honor.     Honors  may  do  for  small  change  but  they 

won't  pay  board-bills. 
The  path  to  honor  is  up-hill. 
Great  honors  are  great  burdens,   but  most  men 

think  their  shoulders  broad  enough  to  bear  them. 
Deserve  honor  and  you  will  honor  yourself. 
Guard  your  honor  as  you  guard  your  life. 
Honor  cannot  long  outlive  honesty. 

Hope.     Lose  hope,  lose  all. 
Hope:    don't   mope. 
The  star  of  hope  lights  the  shadow  of  death. 

For  aye  since  the  morning  of  man — 
Since  the  human  rose  up  from  the  brute 
Hath  Hope,  like  a  beacon  of  light, 
Like  a  star  in  the  rift  of  the  storm, 
Been  writ  by  the  finger  of  God 
On  the  longing  hearts  of  men. 

Lines  on  the  Death  of  Captain  Coates. 

Hope,  ahead,  regret,  behind. 

Hope  is  eggs  on  toast  for  breakfast,  meat  for  dinner 

and  bones  for  supper. 
Pity  the  man  who  has  outlived  his  hopes. 

Hornet — hornet's  nest.     Attack  a  hornet's  nest  with 
fire. 


84  LACONICS 


As  well  put  your  nose  into  a  hornet's  nest  as  mix 
in  a  war  among  women. 

Horse — horse-shoe.     Don't  buy  a  raw-boned  horse; 
you  might  as  well  try  to  fatten  a  fanning-mill  by 
running  oats  through  it. 
A  he-goat  is  better  than  no  horse. 

House.     A  house  should  be  built  for  yourself — not 

for  the  eyes  of  others. 

Two  small  rooms  and  lots  of  love  make  a  palace  for 
a  pair. 

Human — humanity.     If    you    would    learn    human 

nature  study  all  manner  of  men. 
We — all  of  us — are  human,  except  the  other  brutes. 
Humanity  embraces  a  few  wise  men,  many  good 

men,  and  a  lot  of  brutes. 
He  is  hardly  human  who  has  merely  shed  his  gorilla 

teeth  and  his  monkey  tail. 

Hunger.     Hunger  will  make  a  watch-dog  a  thief. 
Hungry.     A  hungry  man  dreams  of  a  feast. 

Hungry  for  hope,  they  gulp  a  moldy  creed 
And  dine  on  faith. 

The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

Hungry  men  are  always  radicals. 

Hunt.     Plenty  of  hunting  but  no  game. 

Don't  hunt  for  trouble — you'll  find  enough  without. 
He  is  always  hunting  for  a  "soft  job"  while  his 
wife  and  children  are  hunting  for  bread. 

Hurry.     Hurry  and  worry  cost  much  and  accomplish 

little. 

In  a  hurry,  in  a  flurry. 
Hurry  and  worry — in  any  weather — go  together. 


LACONICS  85 


Husband.     Where  the  husband  is  fire  and  the  wife 
is  tow 
The  scratch  of  a  match  will  make  it  go. 

The  calmest  husbands  make  the  stormiest  wives. 
Honor  the  woman  who  mends  her  husband's  stock- 
ings and  sews  on  his  shirt  buttons. 

Hypocrisy.     Hypocrisy  is  the  mother  of  knaves. 
The  hypocrite  steals  with  one  hand  and  gives  alms 

in  public  with  the  other. 
The  hypocrite  prays  in  public  and  sins  in  secret. 

A  hypocrite  prays  to  God  that  he  may  prey  upon 

his  fellow  men. 

He  prays  on  his  knees  all  day  Sunday, 
And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 


I 

I  can't.     "I  can't"  never  can. 
Ice.     Cold  as  ice,  cruel  as  a  tigress. 

Monsieur  I'Empereur,  if  your  Max  can  get  out 
With  the  hair  of  his  head  on — he'd  better,  no  doubt. 
If  you'll  not  take  it  hard,  here's  a  bit  of  advice: 
It  is  dangerous  for  big  pigs  to  dance  on  the  ice; 
They  sometimes  slip  up  and  they  sometimes  slip  in, 
And  the  ice  you  are  on  is  exceedingly  thin. 

New  Year's  Address,  Jan.  1,  1866. 

Ideals.     Dreamed — O  my  soul  and  was  it  all  a  dream  ? 
We  chase  the  ideal  and  miss  the  real. 
How  often  in  modern  days,  the  ideal  has  become  the 
real. 


86  LACONICS 


The  ideal  precedes  the  real. 

The  "ideal"  led  Columbus  to  the  discovery  of 
America. 

The  "Ideal"  led  Don  Quixote  to  charge  on  a  wind- 
mill. 

If.     Drop  your  "ifs"  and  your  "buts"  and  butt  into  it. 
He  would  have  caught  the  hare,  but  he  stumbled 

over  an  "if." 

Butt  me  with  no  "buts"  and  "if"  me  no  "ifs." 
I  stated  the  facts,  but  he  came  at  me  with  a  "but." 

Idle — idleness.     'Tis  worse  than  idle  to  regret. 
Idleness  is  full  of  envy. 

The  indolent  man  waits  for  something  to  turn  up; 
the  diligent  man  don't  wait;  he  turns  it  up  him- 
self. 

Idol — idolatry.  In  this  age  men  no  longer  kneel  before 
images  of  brass  or  stone,  but  they  still  have  an 
idol — "the  Almighty  Dollar." 

Thou  art  the  god  of  thine  idolatry. 

Idolatry — it  began  in  the  garden  of  Eden  and  will 
end  only  with  the  end  of  man. 

Ignorance — ignorant.  Ignorance  and  superstition  are 
twin  sisters. 

There  is  no  stubbornness  like  ignorance. 

The  ignorant  carry  burdens  for  the  wise. 

The  devil  is  still  abroad  in  the  world;  his  other 
name  is  Ignorance. 

To  be  ignorant  of  your  ignorance  is  the  worst  igno- 
rance. 

Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 

And   stubborn   Science   shakes   her   shining  lance 

Full  in  the  face  of  stolid  Ignorance. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  87 


Ignorance  and  Fear  go  hand  in  hand. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Ignorance  and  arrogance  are  twins. 

Ignis  Fatuus.     Don't  chase  an  ignis  fatuus — hoe  your 
potatoes. 

Imagine.     We    easily    imagine    what    we    earnestly 

desire. 

He  imagined  he  had  a  gold  mine,  but  found,  at  last, 
that  it  was  only  a  hole  in  the  ground. 

Imitation.     The    monkey    imitates    man    and    man 

imitates  the  monkey. 

Imitation  is  as  good  as  gold  till  some  '  'hard-head" 
rings  it  on  the  counter. 

Immodest — immodesty.     Immodesty  is  become  fash- 
ionable. 

What  is  modesty  ? — it  is  one  thing  among  the  Hot- 
tentots and  quite  another  thing  among  white 
women. 

Immortality.     And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below  ? 
Aye,  is  death  death  ?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light,  on  angel  wings  to  range 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go  ? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


88  LACONICS 


What  is  the  soul  and  whither  will  it  fly? 
We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die, 
But  lives  and  lived  through  all  eternity, 
And  ever  turns  from  hoary  age  to  youth. 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Impatience.     A  little  impatience  pricked  into  some 

men  with  a  hair-pin  might  be  good  medicine. 
I  like  to  see  a  man  a  little  impatient;  he  "means 
business." 

Imperfection.     Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless 

art; 

Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites; 
As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 
So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. 

Poetry. 

Impossible — impossibility.     Everything  is  impossible 

to  him  who  is  afflicted  with  the  Cant's. 
"Impossible?"  said  Napoleon,   "that  word  is  not 
in  my  dictionary."     But  he  found  it  at  Waterloo. 

Improvidence.     Go    to    poverty    and    improvidence 

for  dogs  and  children. 

Waste,  idleness  and  improvidence  are  the  banes  of 
the  poor. 

Impulse — impulsive.      Do  it  on  the  impulse  of  a  week. 
Impulsive  people  make  most  mistakes. 
A  man  or  woman  without  a  generous  impulse  is  a 
relic  of  the  "Ice  Age." 

Income.     See  that  your  out-go  is  less  than  your  in- 
come. 

Inconsistency.     Our  opponents  set  our  inconsistency 
before  us  as  a  stumbling  block. 


LACONICS  89 


It  is  better  to  be  inconsistent  than  to  be  wrong. 

The  man  who  is  never  inconsistent  is  not  made  of 
bones,  blood  and  brains, — he  is  hewn  out  of 
granite,  and  stands  a  dumb  monument. 

Inconstancy.     Constantly  inconstant  and  fickle  as  a 
fly. 

Incredulity.     Wise    men    there    are — for    owls    are 

counted    wise 

Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  paths  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. 

Men. 

Indigestion.     Better  have  little  food  for  your  stomach 

than  little  stomach  for  your  food. 
That  little  judge  with  squint  eyes  has  a  wonderful 
digestion;   he  has  digested  all  the  digests;  no 
wonder  he  squirms  on  the  bench. 

Individuality.     As  an  individual,  I  am  an  individual ; 
but  I'm  only  a  little  polliwog  in  the  big  frog-pond. 

Indolence.     Indolence   is   the   dry-rot   of  body  and 

mind. 

Indolence  hatches  a  brood  of  evils. 
Indolence  grows  on  people.     The  more  one  does 

the  more  he  can  do. 
Indolence  is  a  dog's  life. 

Industry.     Industry  is  the  alchemy   that  turns  all 

things  into  gold. 

The  slave,  the  idler,  are  alike  unblessed, 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. 

Poetry. 

Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  constant  use; 
In  rest  they  rust.  Poetry. 


90  LACONICS 


Poets  are  born,  not  made,  some  scribbler  said, 
And  every  rhymster  thinks  the  saying  true: 
Better  unborn  than  wanting  labor's  aid: 
Aye,  all  great  poets,  all  great  men  are  made 
Between  the  hammer  and  the  anvil. 

Poetry. 

Infinite.     We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the 

infinite    future. 
In  the  finite  find  the  infinite. 

Ingratitude.  Ingratitude  is  a  crime  so  shameful  that 
no  man  will  acknowledge  himself  guitly  of  it. 

Inherit — inheritance.  Leave  your  son  education, 
honesty  and  industry;  they  are  the  best  inheri- 
tance. 

We  inherit  "way  back"  to  the  monkey,  the  croco- 
dile and  the  devil-fish. 
He  inherits  the  most  of  his  follies  from  himself. 

Injury.  He  who  does  you  an  injury  will  never  forgive 
you. 

If  you  have  done  an  injury,  go  like  a  man,  acknow- 
ledge and  repair  it. 

An  injury  to  the  state  is  an  injury  to  every  citizen. 

Injustice.     He  that  defends  an  injustice  commits  it. 

Inquiry.  If  you  would  know  your  faults  inquire  of 
your  enemies. 

Insanity.     The  marrow-maddening    canker-worm  of 

love 
Feeds  on  the  brains  of  wise  men  as  on  fools'. 

Men. 

He  is  insane?  of  course  he  is;  everybody  is  insane. 
There  are  different  degrees  of  insanity — from  Plato 


LACONICS  91 


and  Cato  down  to  the  driveling  idiots  that  write 
"poetry"  for  the  "Atlantic  Monthly,"  and  the 
"Century  Magazine." 

Insignificant.     Even  the  low  hum  of  the  little  mos- 
quito is  significant. 
In  his  own  conscious  insignificance  he  trusts. 

Insight.     Insight  is  the  sixth  sense;  all  the  other 
senses  contribute  to  it. 

Instinct.     Instinct  is  inherited  reason. 

Behold  the  brutes'  unerring  instinct  guides 
True  as  the  pole  star,  while  man's  reason  leads 
How  oft  to  quicksands  and  the  hidden  reefs. 

Men. 

Intention.     They   say    Hell  is   paved   with  good  in- 

intentions. 

That  kind  of  pavement  would  wear  out  in  a  week 
on  Wall  street. 

Interest.  Most  men  carry  their  hearts  in  their  pockets. 

Little  Hebrew — "Vater,  dies  book  say  dot  de 
monish  don't  bring  de  happiness." 

Father — "Dot  ish  drue,  mein  sohn;  it  ish  not  de 
monish  vat  bring  de  happiness,  it  ish  de  interest 
on  de  monish  vat  bring  de  happiness."  (This 
is  stolen  from  somebody;  but  it  brings  "de  happi- 
ness.") 

Intolerable.     Intolerable — a  talkative  man  who  has 
nothing  to  say. 


Jack.  "Every  Jack  has  his  Gill"  is  an  old  saying, 
but  Jack  is  seldom  satisfied  with  less  than  a 
quart;  and  often  takes  a  gal-on. 


92  LACONICS 


Jackass.     The  bray  of  a  jackass  is  music  to  the  whole 

tribe  of  asses. 

If  he  won't  kick  when  he's  kicked,  he  is  only  a 
donkey. 

Jest — joke.     Jests  are  jests,  but  wasps  are  wasps. 
That  jest  must  be  a  good   one — it  has  stood  the 
test  of  time. 

Jim  Hill.  "Jim  Hill  is  a  robber!"  said  the  Governor 
of  Minnesota.  "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens 
of  thousands,  you  are  doing  your  'level  best'  to 
pull  down  the  bakery,"  replied  Hill. 

Joke.     He  that  laughs  at  his  own  joke  makes  stale 

beer  of  it. 
Among  the  "Four    Hundred"  a  bashful  man  is  a 

standing    joke. 

A  joke  without  wit  is  a  joke  on  the  joker. 
"Mark  Twain  had  been  perpetrating  "jokes"  on  his 

friends  at  a  dinner  party.     A  friend  retorted: 

"The  only  real  joke  I  have  heard  tonight  is  Mark 

Twain  himself." 


Joy.     No  joy  without  annoy; 
No  gold  without  alloy. 


Judge.     You  can't  judge  the  inside  by  the  outside. 
If  you  would  justly  judge  the  conduct  of  another, 

get  into  his  shoes. 
A  just  judge  will  have  two  ears  open;  a  narrow 

judge  will  have  but  one. 
He  is  a  little  judge — just  big  enough  to  wiggle  on 

the  bench. 
A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by  a  woman. 

Judgement.     Wit  and  good  judgment  make  a  strong 
man. 


LACONICS  93 


Jury.   The  jury  was  "hung,"  and  the  prisoner  escaped. 
The  grand  aim  of  our  constitution,  our  laws  and  the 

practice  of  our  courts  is  to  get  twelve  "damfools" 

into  a  jury  box. 
A  few  drops  of  salt  water  from  a  woman's  eyes  often 

win  the  verdict  of  a  jury. 

Just.     O  fickle  Fortune,  how  thy  favors  fall — 
Like  rain — upon  the  just  and  the  unjust. 

Pauline. 

Justice.     Justice  is  blind  in  one  eye  and  cross-eyed 

in   the   other. 

Justice  is  blind,  'tis  said,  and  deaf  and  old, 
But  in  her  scales  can  hear  the  clink  of  gold. 

The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

"Justice  is  blind,"  and  that  is  the  reason  she  so 

often  strikes  the  wrong  man. 
How  often  cross-eyed  justice  hits  amiss.        Men. 

If  you  ask  justice  do  justice. 

Justice  is  the  noblest  virtue  of  all. 

Justice? — Justice? — What  is  Justice?  That  is  the 
question. 

Justice  is  true  mercy — who  spares  the  guilty  pun- 
ishes the  innocent. 

Who  judges  others  hastily  condemns  himself. 

Justice  is  blind,  'tis  said,  and  deaf  and  cold: 
Oft  with  her  poise  shrewd  villains  play  their  tricks ; 
They  sometimes  touch  her  sacred  scales  with  gold 
Or  soil  her  sandaled,  feet  in  politics.  Men. 


K 

Kick.     If  you  kick  all  the  stones  in  your  path  you 
will  have  sore  toes. 


94  LACONICS 


Kill.     To  kill  time  is  to  kill  yourself. 

In  war  both  sides  kill  men  for  God's  sake. 
It  is  easier  to  kill  than  to  cure. 

Kindness.     Goats'  milk  is  good  for  invalids,  but  the 
milk  of  human  kindness  is  good  for  everybody. 
Kill  your  enemies  with  kindness. 
Human  kindness  is  often  cruelty. 
The  cruelty  of  Nature  is  kindness. 

Kindle.     The  heart  is  kindled  by  the  lips  of  love. 
One  little  boy  with  a  fire-cracker  can  kindle  a  fire 
that  the  whole  "Department"  can't  put  out. 

Kingdom.     An  acre  of  earth  is  worth  more  than  a 
kingdom  in  the  clouds. 

Kinsman — kin.     The  rich  man  has  a  thousand  cousins. 
You  are  nearest  kin  to  yourself. 
We  are  akin  to  all  mankind  and  second  cousins  to- 
the    apes. 

Kitchen.     The  nation  lives  on  the  kitchen. 

The  kitchen  is  the  most  important  room  in  the 

house. 

The  kitchen  costs  more  than  the  parlor. 
A  fat  kitchen  makes  a  pleasant  home. 
Don't  scrimp  the  kitchen  to  put  pictures  in  the 

front  hall. 
A  slut  in  the  kitchen,  a  sloven  everywhere. 

Knave — knavery.     Where    fools    are    scarce    knaves 

go  hungry. 
He  can  tell  a  knave  by  his  looks — when  he  looks 

in  a  mirror. 
The  biggest  knaves  often  wear  angel  faces. 

Know.     The  more  we  learn,  the  less  we  know  we  know. 


LACONICS  95 


What  you  know  is  a  drop;  what  you  don't  know 

is  an  ocean. 
What  man  knows  is  but  a  grain  of  sand  in  the  whole 

universe. 
It  is  easier  to  know  what  should  be  done  than  how 

to  do  it. 

He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 
The  man  who  knows  the  least  talks  the  most. 

Taint  no  use  tu  send  a  brayin'  ass 

Tu  eny  cullege-school, 
Per  the  less  he  knows  the  more  he  knows, 

Like  eny  ether  fool. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Knowledge.     Great  knowledge  is  great  doubt. 
To  acquire  knowledge  and  not  use  it,  is  to  gather 

seed  and  never  sow. 
Boil  your  knowledge  down  into  practical  common 

sense. 

We  can  at  most  know  but  little;  let  us  know  that 

little  well. 

If  he  knew  more  he  would  know  less. 
Knowledge  begins  with  doubt  and  ends  in  doubt. 
He  who  knows  but  little  is  a  long  time  telling  it. 
Virtue  is  safe  only  when  it  is  armed  with  knowledge. 
Zeal  without  knowledge  runs  into  ditches  in  broad 

day-light. 

If  you  would  know  how  much  any  man  knows, 

find  out  what  use  he  makes  of  it. 
Knowledge  sometimes  comes  too  early — often  too 

late. 
There  are  plenty  of  stumbling  blocks  in  the  path 

of  knowledge. 


96  LACONICS 


Labor.     The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed; 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. 

Poetry. 

The  cheapest  labor  is  the  dearest. 
Labor  is  light  when  your  heart  is  in  it. 
The  fruit  of  labor  is  sweeter  than  a  stolen  peach. 
The  most  sacred  right  of  civilized  man  is  the  right 
to  work. 

Lady.     She  only  is  a  lady  who  is  kind  to  everybody. 
It  don't  take  silks  and  satins  to  make  a  lady. 
Nature  makes  ladies,  fashion  makes  fools. 

Lame.     Walk  with  the  lame  and  you  will  learn  to 

limp. 
His  excuse  is  lame;  it  needs  crutches. 

Land.     He  who  owns  an  acre  of  land  owns  to  the 

center  of  the  earth  and  up  to  heaven. 
Don't  divide  your  lands  till  you  have  folded  your 

hands. 
Your    land   will   not   plow  and   plant   itself  and 

harvest  the  crop. 
I  have  not  yet  found  the  land  where  lemons  and 

sugar  and  ice  grow  on  the  same  tree. 

Language.     He   can  'speak   ten   languages,  but   he 

can't  talk  common-sense  in  one. 
He  can  smatter  in  ten  tongues, — dictionaries  are 
cheap. 

Lark.     A  leg  of  a  lark  is  better  than  the  breast  of  a 
buzzard. 

Up  from  the  dewy  meadow  wheels  the  lark, 

And  trills  his  welcome  to  the  rising  sun, 

And  lo  another  day  of  labor  is  begun.        Poetry. 


LACONICS  97 


Last — laster.     "I  have  pegged  my  last,"  sighed  the 

dying   cobbler. 

He  spoiled  at  last  a  skillful  laster, 
To  make  a  durn  poor  poetaster. 

Late.     "Better  late  than  never,"  said  the  priest  when 
the  pardon  arrived  just  after  the  execution. 

Laugh — laughter.     If   you   laugh   at   others,    others 

will  laugh  at  you. 

He  laughs  in  one  eye  and  winks  with  the  other. 
Loud  laughter  fits  the  mouth  of  a  fool. 
She  is  so  full  of  laughter  that  she  giggles  at  a  funeral. 
He  who  is  laughed  at  by  fools  is  praised  by  the  wise. 
Laughter  is  catching. 
When  you  tell  a  joke  laugh,  and  they  will  all  laugh — 

at   you. 
"He  laughs  best  who  laughs  last?" — No,  sir;  he 

laughs  best  who  smiles. 

Law.     The  laws  of  man  should  not  conflict  with  the 

laws  of  Nature. 
Laws  grind  the  poor  and  rich  men  grind  the  laws. 

(From  Goldsmith's  line:     "Laws  grind  the  poor 

and  rich  men  rule  the  laws.") 
The  more  laws  the  more  law-breakers. 
The  more  laws  the  more  lawyers;  the  more  lawyers, 

the  less  justice. 
What  power  hath  the  law  without  public  opinion 

behind  it? 
The  multitudinous  meshes  of  the  laws  strangle  our 

liberties. 
We  suffer  alike  from  too  much  law  and  too  much 

liberty. 

Law-suit.  Success  in  a  law-suit  requires  a  big  purse, 
a  sharp  lawyer,  'good  witnesses  and  twelve  of 
your  friends  on  the  jury. 


98  LACONICS 


A  bottle  of  beer  is  cheaper  than  a  law-suit. 

Never  buy  a  law-suit;  better  buy  a  suit  of  clothes. 

Lawyer.     The  more  lawyers  the  less  justice. 

The  more  lawyers  the  more  criminals  escape  justice. 
The  more  lawyers  the  less  murderers,  and  the  more 

juries,  are  hung. 

Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 
doctor;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 
If  you  want  to  get  into  trouble  consult  a  lawyer. 

Laziness — lazy.     Laziness  is  a  disease  that  requires 

a  prod  to  cure  it. 

A  lazy  man  is  rarely  lazy  at  the  dinner  table. 
A  lazy  man  likes  to  fish. 
A  lazy  man  keeps  three  dogs  and  one  pig. 
A  lazy  man's  wife  milks  the  cow  and  feeds  the  pig. 
Most  lazy  men  have  the  "rumytics." 
A  lazy  farmer  is  the  last  to  plow  his  field  and  sow 

his    seed. 
A  lazy  man  is  always  waiting  for  something  to 

turn  up;  the  industrious  man  turns  it  up  himself. 
The  lazy  man  sits  on  a  log  and  waits  for  the  rabbit 

to  come  to  him. 
The  lazy  man  gets  ready  to  shoot  after  the  ducks 

have  flown  past. 
A  lazy  man  waits  for  a  ride  in  another  man's  wagon. 

Lead — leader.     If  you  would  be  a  leader  take  the 

lead. 

A  flock  of  geese  always  has  a  leader. 
The  gander  leads  the  geese. 
A  good  soldier  will  follow  his  leader. 
When  we  think  we  lead  we  are  only  following. 
In  harvest  let  the  farmer  lead  his  harvesters  and 

his  grain  will  be  garnered. 


LACONICS  99 


When  the  fox  leads  the  geese  there  will  be  plenty 

of  quacking. 
The  captain:  "Boys,  you  are  going  into  hell-fire: 

remember  your  country  and  follow  the  flag." 
"Plaze  take  the  lead  yerself,  Sor,"  said  private  Pat. 

Learn.     Never  too  late  to  learn;  never  too  old  to  get 

burnt. 

Live  to  learn  and  learn  to  live. 
Learn  to  study  and  study  to  learn. 
A  wise  man  keeps  on  learning  all  his  life. 

Learning.     Learn  alike  from  the  follies  of  the  foolish 

and  the  wisdom  of  the  wise. 
Learning,    like   gold   coin,    passes    current   in    all 

countries. 
Fill  the  basement  with  common  sense,   and  the 

upper  floors  with  learning. 

Liberality.     Don't    be    liberal    with    other    people's 

money. 

Be  liberal,  but  don't  forget  to  be  liberal  with  your- 
self. 

Liberty.     Liberty    and    Justice    are  Siamese    twins; 

if  one  dies  the  other  dies. 
The  true  pedestal  of  liberty  is  justice. 
When  liberty  slashes  the  scales  of  justice  she  is  fit 

for   a   mad-house. 

The  worst  tyranny  is  Liberty  run  mad. 
Liberty  is  the  right  to  do  right. 
Give  the  ignorant  liberty  and  watch  the  cat-fight. 
Liberty  is  no  boon  to  the  ignorant. 

Lie — liars.     The  liar  is  always  a  coward  and  the 

coward  is  always  a  liar. 

Liars  begin  by  deceiving  others,  but  end  by  deceiv- 
ing  themselves. 


100  LACONICS 


Out  of  the  womb  of  one  lie  are  hatched  a  whole 

litter. 

He  patches  his  lies  with  bits  of  truth. 
Never  tell  a  lie,  but  do  not  always  tell  the  truth. 
The  most  dangerous  lie  is  a  half -truth. 
A  lie  is  a  lie,  no  matter  who  utters  it. 
A  lie  can  not  stand  long  on  its  own  legs;  you  must 

prop  it  up  with  another. 
He  that  spins  yarns  like  a  spider  will  get  caught 

in  his  own  meshes. 
It  is  hard  enough  to  maintain  the  truth,  but  much 

harder  to  maintain  a  lie. 
"Man  everywhere  is  the  born  enemy  of  lies."  Car- 

lyle.     And  still  man  is  the  only  liar. 
A  lie  runs  fast  but  truth  overtakes  it  at  last. 
"They  say"  is  a  liar. 
O  timid  Truth,  that  quails  before  the  fire, 
Thy  face  assumes  the  likeness  of  a  liar. 
One  truth  will  fit  in  with  any  other  truth;  no  lie 

will  exactly  fit  another  lie. 
Never  turn  your  back  on  the  truth  and  always  face  a 

lie. 

Life.     Life  is  the  mystery  of  mysteries. 

He  that  learns  most  lives  longest. 

Is  life  worth  living  ?     That  depends  on  the  liver. 

Life  is  half  spent  before  we  know  what  it  is. 

All  life  grows  out  of  death. 

Life  is  a  work-day;  at  sunset,  rest. 

We  can  all  see  how  we  ought  to  have  lived  in  the 
past,  and  how  we  should  live  in  the  future,  but 
few  see  how  they  ought  to  live  now. 

We  have  life  from  the  womb  to  the  grave,  yet  we 
know  not  what  or  whence  it  is. 

Most  men  live  behind  a  curtain. 

Life  is  about  what  we  make  it. 


LACONICS  101 


Life  is  made  up  of  trifles, — take  heed  of  the  trifles. 
Life  gives  us  an  insight  into  nothing. 

Light.     Men  lift  their  foreheads  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  the  reign  of  reason  is  begun. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Earth  wheeled  her  million  circuits  round  the  sun, 
While  man  from  bestial  dens  and  savagedom 
Slowly  uprose  and  groping  into  light, 
Stood  face  to  face  with  Fate. 

Columbus. 

Excessive  light  is  total  darkness. 

Great  light  makes  great  shadows. 

We  stand  in  the  shadow  of  a  great  light. 

Light  and  darkness  are  all  one  to  a  blind  man. 

It  is  idle  to  hold  a  lamp  for  a  blind  man. 

Lightning.     The  thunder  threatens,  but  the  lightning 
strikes. 

Lincoln.      From   the  fetters  of   the  slave  he  forged 

the  weapons  of  the  free. 
When  the  time  is  ripe  God  sends  the  man. 

Columbus. 

Link.     A  broken  link,  a  broken  chain. 

We  are  but  links  in  an  endless  chain. 

Through  us  the  infinite  past  is  linked  to  the  infinite 
future. 

The  marriage  ring  is  the  first  link  in  the  chain  of  ser- 
vitude. 

The  weakest  link  breaks  the  chain. 

Lion.     A  lion  in  war,  a  lamb  in  peace. 

A  lion  at  a  distance  is  often  a  spaniel  when  you 

meet    him. 
A  lion  never  wears  the  ears  of  an  ass. 


102  LACONICS 


Literature.  What  stacks  of  chaff  to  every  ounce  of 
wheat  the  literary  machines  of  the  day  thresh 
out. 

Little — little  things.     Don't  be  little  in  great  things, 

nor  great  in  little  things. 
It  is  not  profitable  to  run  afar  after  big  things  and 

neglect  the  little  things  that  lie  all  around  you. 
Too  much  is  as  bad  as  too  little. 
The  beginnings  of  all  great  things  are  little  things. 

Load.     A  man  never  knows  his  strength  until  he  has 

carried  a  load. 
No  man  walks  steadily  unless  he  carries  a  load. 

Log-cabin.  A  log-cabin  is  a  palace  if  inhabited  by 
happiness. 

Lone.     Never  so  much  alone  as  when  in  a  great  city. 
I  have  the  best  company  when  alone  with  good 
books. 

Loquacity.     They  talk  most  who  have  the  least  to  say. 

Lord.     What  devilish  crimes  have  been  committed 

in  the  name  of  the  Lord. 
He  lords  it  like  an  ass  in  uniform. 
He  lords  it  with  a  brass  band  and  a  big  stick. 

He  lords  it  like  an  ass  in  an  arm-chair. 

He  lords  it  like  a  grizzly  bear  among  a  drove  of 

donkies. 
He's  the  monarch  of  all  he  surveys; 

His  right  there  is  none  to  dispute; 
From  the  center  all  round  to  the  seas 

He's  the  lord  and  the  fowl  and  the  brute. 

Parody. 

Lose.     Better  lose  a  leg  than  your  life. 


LACONICS  103 


Loss.     A  loss  is  often  a  benefit. 

A  great  loss  is  sometimes  a  great  gain. 

Lost.     Where  you  lost  it  is  the  place  to  find  it. 
Don't  waste  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  looking  for  a 
lost   penny. 

Lot.     Be  content  with  your  lot — especially  if  it's  a 
corner  lot. 

Lottery.     In  the  lottery  of  life  the  best  draw  for  a 

poor  devil  is  his  last. 

If  you  have  a  hankerin'  to  play  the  lottery  the  best 
prize  you  can  draw  is  a  blank. 

Love.     The  sweeter  the  moments  the  swifter  they 
fly; 

Love  takes  no  account  of  the  fleeting  hours; 

He  walks  in  a  dream  'mid  the  blooming  of  flowers, 

And  never  awakes  till  the  blossoms  die. 

The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  are  a  feast  when  love  sits 

at  the  table. 

Love  and  fear  rule  the  world. 
Love  makes  fools  of  the  wise. 
Love  is  both  credulous  and  jealous. 
Love  covers  many  faults. 
Calf  love  soon  becomes  sour  milk. 
Love,  like  the  mealses,  is  "ketchin." 

Love-sick.     For  love-sickness  time  and   another  girl 
are  the  best  medicine. 

Lubricate.     Lubricate!  lubricate!  oil  prevents  friction. 

Luck.     Luck  comes  to  him  who  works  for  it. 
Pluck  is  better  than  luck. 


104  LACONICS 


"Pitch  a  lucky  man  into  the  Nile  and  he  will  come 
up  with  a  fish  in  his  mouth,"  says  the  Arabian 
proverb. 

They  tried  it  recently  and  the  poor  fellow  went 
down  in  the  jaws  of  a  crocodile. 

Jim  Hill— Jim  Hill,  yer  ful  uf  skill, 
Hard  work,  an'  pluck,  an'  luck,  Jim: 
I  niver  knowd  yer  duin'  ill, 
Er  quackin'  like  a  duck,  Jim. 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads. 

In  hard  luck  hold  out,  in  good  luck  hold  in. 

One  hour  of  good  luck  is  better  than  a  week's  work 

Lust.     Lust  ends  in  disgust. 

Luxury.     Luxury  breeds  lechery. 

Luxury  and  the  arts  flourish  together. 

Luxury! — Luxury! — What  is  luxury? 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  to  a  hungry  man,  a  raw 

fish  to  a  starving  Indian. 
Luxury  breeds  cowards. 
Republics  breed  luxury  and    poverty  and   end    in 

anarchy. 

M 

Mad — madness.     All  men  were  mad  but  Burton  and 

he  died  of  "Melancholy." 
Wisdom  and  madness  are  near  akin. 

There  is  only  an  imaginary  line  between  a  great 

genius  and  a  madman. 
It  is  madness  to  live  poor  to  die  rich. 

Magnanimity — magnanimous.      Be   magnanimous  to 

your  friends  and — your  self. 
Magnanimity  is  wasted  on  a  jackass. 


LACONICS  105 


Main  chance.     The  main  chance  is  the  best  chance. 

Money.     With  most  men  money  is  the  main  thing. 
The  burden  of  a  big  fortune  is  a  heavy  load. 
Happy  is  he,  as  wise  Horatius  sung, 
To  whom  God  gives  enough  with  sparing  hand. 
Money  may  be  either — a  blessing  or  a  curse. 
"Money  makes  the  mare  go" — kicking  her  heels — 

and  jumping  over  the  fence. 
Many  a  poor  boy  is  ruined  by  his  father's  money. 

Majority.     The  wise  are  seldom  in  the  majority. 
Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

Men. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 

Sometimes  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar. 

As  full  of  freaks  as  curs  are  full  of  fleas, 

Like  gnats  they  swarm,  like  flies  they  buzz  and 

breed.  Men. 

Hurra ! — Hurra ! — Hurra ! — for  "Liberty' ' ! 
Flaunt  the  red  flag  and  flutter  the  petticoat; 
Ran-tan  the  drums  and  let  the  bugles  bray, 
The  eagle  scream  and  ninety  million  throats 
Sing  Yankee-doodle- Yankee-doodle-doo.       Men. 

Majority.     The  rule  of  the  majority  is  often  rank 

tyranny. 

In  the  United  States  the  majority  is  authority. 
The  minority  has  no  rights  which  the  majority 
feels  bound  to  respect. 

Malice.     Malice  strikes  with  venomed  fang. 
He  is  a  little  man  that  harbors  malice. 

Man.  Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims; 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance; 
Through  toil  and  martyrdom  a  million  years 


106  LACONICS 


Struggling  and  groping  upward  from  the  brute, 
And  ever  dragging  still  the  brutish  chains.       Men. 

Princes  and  parasites  comprise  mankind. 

Men. 

Where  one  man  is  born  to  lead  ten  thousand  are 

born  to  follow. 
What  is  a  mountain  to  one  man,  is  a  mole-hill  to 

another. 
He  who  berates    mankind  should  remember   that 

he  is  one  of  them. 

A  man  must  be  something  to  do  something. 
"Gentlemen,"  cried  a  stump  speaker,  "is  not  one 

man   as   good   as   another?" 
"Av  coorse  'e  is,"  shouted  an    excited    Irishman, 

"an*  a  dom  sight  better." 
In  all  nature  man's  worst  enemy  is  man. 
Man  is  midway  between  an  angel  and  a  brute. 
Man    concentrates   in    himself   the   whole   animal 

kingdom — from  jelly-fish  to  jackass. 
Man  cannot  dispense  with  woman;  he  couldn't  be 

born   without    her. 
Man  is  a  miracle.     He  had  not  a  hatchet  to  begin 

with — Behold  what  he  has  made! 
Man  considers  himself  the  cause  and  aim  of  Creation ; 

so  does  the  mosquito. 

A  man  is  either  good  or  good  for  nothing. 
A  man  can  change  his  mind,  a  mule  can't, — but 

mule-men  are  numerous. 
Man  is  at  bottom  a  brute. 
"Ransack  creation — in  and  out — 

Through  all  its  crooks  and  crannies, 
You'll  never  find  another  brute, 

As  big  a  brute  as  man  is." 

Henry  C.  Waite. 
Man  is  as  free  as  a  chained  dog. 


LACONICS  107 


Every  man  is  good  for  something,  if  only  to  laugh  at. 
It  is  not  fair  to  measure  all  men  by  one  man. 
Man  cannot  cancel  a  word  that  Nature  has  written. 

Management.     Management  is  the  main  thing. 
Good  management  achieves  success. 

Manhood.  There  is  a  spark  of  manhood  in  the  mean- 
est man. 

Manners.     Nothing  pays  better  than  good  manners. 
Fortune  waits  on  good  manners. 
Nothing  soils  fine  clothes  like  bad  manners. 
Good  manners  are  kindness  and  consideration  for 

others. 
Good  manners,  good  morals. 

Marriage.  Choose  your  wife  as  you  would  your  coat, 
for  qualities  that  will  wear. 

By  the  time  a  man  really  knows  enough  to  marry 
he  knows  enough  not  to. 

The  marriage  ring  is  the  first  link  in  the  chain  of 
servitude. 

Marriage  is  like  a  bird  cage.  The  birds  outside  are 
anxious  to  get  in,  and  the  "ins"  are  anxious  to 
get  out. 

When  the  man  is  fire  and  the  woman  is  tow 

A  wee  little  match  and  a  wee  little  scratch 

Will  start  a  big  flame  and  a  deil  of  a  row. 

It  is  too  early  to  marry  at  twenty-one,  at  one  hun- 
dred it  is  a  little  too  late. 

Martyr — martyrdom.      If   you    must    be   a   martyr 

provide  for  your  family  beforehand. 
Every  man  is  willing  to  be  a  martyr  in  a  good  cause 

— if  he  can  see  money  in  it. 
The  fourteen  poor  women  the  Puritans  hanged  for 

witches   in  Salem  were    martyrs  to    "Christian 

charity." 


108  LACONICS 


Mask.     The  world  is  a  masked  ball,  and  you  are  one 

of  the   dancers. 

The  mask  falls  off  and  behold — the  lion  is  a  jack- 
rabbit. 

Nature  never  intended  man  to  wear  a  mask — she 
writes  him  on  his  face. 


Politicians  pander  to  the  masses. 
The  masses  bray  like  asses. 

Master.  Whatever  good  work  you  undertake ,  master  it. 
If  you  would  be  master  of  men,  master  yourself. 

Matches.     Matches  are  made  in  heaven? 

Mistake,  my  dear,  they  go  off  at  a  scratch  and  you 
soon  smell  brimstone. 

Matrimony.     His  pulse  beats  matrimony. 

Try  matrimony,  my  dear  little  sonny, 
At  twenty-five  with  a  frugal  wife, 
And  lots  of  love  and  a  little  money. 

The  "outs"  want  in  and  the  "ins"  want  out. 

Matter.        We  are  three- 
Known,    yet   unknown — unfathomable   to   man — 
Time,  Space,  and  Matter  pregnant  with  all  life, 
Immortals  older  than  the  oldest  orb. 
We  were  and  are  forever:  out  of  us 
Are  all  things — sons  and  satellites,  midge  and  man. 

Beyond. 

We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die: 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust  ? 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. 

Beyond. 


LACONICS  109 


Worlds  wax  and  wane,  suns  crumble  into  dust, 

But  matter  pregnant  with  immortal  life, 

Hath,  since  the  white-haired  centuries  wheeled  the 

vast, 
Nor  lost  nor  gained.     Who  made  it,  and  who  made 

The   Maker?  Beyond. 

Maxim.     Maxims  are  the  wisdom  of  the  world  boiled 

down. 
Don't  fire  maxims  at  me  with  a  Maxim  gun. 

May-be.     Ten  may-be' s  don't  make  an  is. 
May-be' s  fly  all  the  year  round. 
May-be' s  and  "ifs"  fly  together. 
He  expects  his  honey  from  may-be' s. 

Mayor.     If  you  would  reform  a  city,  start  in  on  the 
mayor. 

Mean — meanness.     The  meanest  man  on  earth  is  he 
who  betrays  a  friend. 

Means.     If  "the  end  justifies  the  means"  burn  your 
house  to  get  rid  of  the  rats. 

Measure.     You  measure  every  man  by  yourself. 

Measure  the  ocean  with  a  drinking-cup! 
Measure  eternity  by  the  town-clock! 
Nay,  with  a  yard- stick  measure  the  universe! 
Measure  for  measure,  measure  God  by  man! 

Men. 

Medicine.     A  contented  mind  is  the  best  medicine. 
Take  your  "medicine"  like  a  man. 
The  doctor  don't  take  his  own  medicine. 
The  medicine  that  cured  the  cobbler  killed  the 
tailor. 


110  LACONICS 


Medium.  There  is  a  medium  between  a  fool  and 
philosopher.  Proverb — Yes,  a  spirit  medium 
that  fools  them  both. 

Meek — meekness.  He  is  one  of  the  '  'meek  and  lowly :' ' 
— lookout  for  your  chickens. 

Meet.     Meet  danger  half-way. 

Meet  a  coward  face  to  face  and  he  will  flunk. 
Meet  the  liar  face  to  face. 

Melancholy.     The  melon-cholic  days  are  come, 

The  saddest  of  the  year, 
When  bad  boys  jump  the  melon-patch 
With  a  bull-dog  in  the  rear.     (Parody) 

Melancoly  ain't  no  good:  take  a  dose  of  "spirits'* 
and  git  rid  of  it.  Bronco  Bill. 

Memory.     It  is  easy  to  forget  what  we  do  not  wish 

to  remember. 

His  forgetery  is  better  than  his  memory. 
Our  memories  are  too  long  or  too  short. 
Let  memory  be  your  monitor. 

Men.     Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and 

forget  your  virtues. 
Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims, 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance. 

Men. 

Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

Men. 

Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves; 
Give  him  the  land  and  he  demands  the  sea; 
Give  him  the  earth,  he  reaches  for  the  stars. 

Men. 


LACONICS  ill 


I  had  rather  be  a  great  man  in  a  little  house,  than 

a  little  man  in  a  great  house. 
A  man  must  be  something  to  do  something. 

Men  have  been  learning  error  age  on  age, 
And  superstition  is  their  heritage, 
Bequeathed  from  age  to  age  and  sire  to  son 
Since  the  dim  history  of  the  world  began. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

There  are  three  kinds  of  men, — the  man  that  falls 

back,  the  man  that  sits  on  a  log  and  grumbles, 

and  the  man  that  strides  forward  with  doubters 

hanging  to  his  coat-tail. 

Men  do  not  lack  strength;  they  lack  courage. 
The  nearer  you  get  to  a  great  man  the  smaller  he  is. 
Men  are  led  by  their  desires. 
Men  admire  in  themselves  what  they  sneer  at  in 

others. 

If  nature  can't  make  men  equal,  how  can  men  do  it  ? 
Men    are  rare, — there  are  millions  of  "two-legged 

animals  without  feathers." 
Men  mold  their  virtues  to  suit  their  interests. 
Men  are  only  grown  up  babies. 
Everybody  likes  to  shake  hands  with  a  hand  full  of 

money. 

Men  are  mixtures  of  good  and  evil. 
It  is  not  fair  to  measure  all  men  by  one  man. 
Most  men  have  hind-sight,  some  fore-sight  and  a 

rare  few  circum-sight. 
Hungry  men  are  always  radicals. 

Mend.     "It  is  never  too  late  to  mend,"  said  the  cobbler 
when  there  was  nothing  left  of  the  shoe  but  the 
string. 
"Never  too  late  to  mend,"  never  too  stout  to  bend. 


112  LACONICS 


Mercy.     Nature  knows  no  mercy;  her  laws  are  "an 

eye  for  an  eye  and  a  tooth  for  a  tooth." 
Where  there  is  doubt  let  mercy  decide. 
Can  the  merciless  expect  mercy? 

Merit.     Audacity  often  wins  where  merit  fails. 

Metaphysics.     What  neither  speaker  or  listener  can 

understand    they    call    "Metaphysics." 
Don't  physic  us  with  metaphysics. 

Method.     Method  is  a  time-saver. 

A  man  without  method  spends  half  his  time  in 
hunting  for  things  mislaid. 

Mettle— metal.     Let  men  know  what  metal  you  are 

made    of. 
He  has  too  much  mettle  for  a  blind  "hoss" 

Midst.      Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend, 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Might.     In  war  might  is  the  measure  of  right. 
Right  makes  might  and  might  makes  right. 

Millionaire.     One  bottle  of  wine  will  make  him  a 

millionaire. 
A  millionaire  and  a  profligate  heir. 

Mind.     Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent 

use; 
In  rest  they  rust.  Poetry. 

The  mind  needs  a  change  of  food  as  well  as  the  body. 
A  contented  mind  is  the  best  medicine. 


LACONICS  113 


Mine.     Mine  is  mine  and  thine  is  thine. 

He  has  a  hole  in  the  ground  and  he  calls  it  a  mine. 
A  mining  deal  is  like  the  Bismark  Gardens  in  Chi- 
cago where  it  costs  you  "two  bits"  to  get  in  and 
"four  bits"  to  get  out. 

Minority.     Wise  men  are  always  in  the  minority. 

In  politics  when  the  minority  has  the  chairman  the 
minority  has  the  majority. 

"Mr.  Speaker,  Mr.  Speaker,"  cried  a  member  of 
Congress  when  Tom  Reed  was  in  the  chair,  "I 
doubt  if  this  resolution  has  the  majority."  "It 
has,  sir,"  said  Tom  Reed,  "I  have  declared  it 
carried;  I  am  the  majority." 

The  minority  is  always  on  the  wrong  side. 

Miracle.     God's  works  are  all  miracles. 
A  fact  is  itself  a  miracle. 
That  men  can  believe  in  miracles  is  itself  a  miracle. 

Miser.  The  miser  does  not  own  his  gold;  his  gold 
owns  him. 

Miserable.  Don't  make  yourself  miserable  today 
because  you  may  hear  bad  news  tomorrow. 

Misery.  Misery  is  in  the  mind.  Who  thinks  himself 
miserable  is  miserable. 

Misfortune.  Our  best  lessons  are  learned  in  mis- 
fortune. 

He  is  fortunate  who  can  bear  misfortune  nobly. 

How  patiently  we  endure  the  misfortune  of  others. 

Meet  misfortune  with  fortitude. 

He  who  can  bear  prosperity  wisely  can  bear  mis- 
fortune patiently. 

When  misfortunes  come  in  flocks,  fire  a  battery  of 
maxims  at  'em. 


114  LACONICS 


We  spend  half  our  lives  bewailing  misfortunes  that 

never    come. 
In  misfortune  repentance  begins. 

Miss.     Don't  "Miss"  a  vidder. 

Miss  Anthrope  married  Mr.  Crabtree :  their  children 
were  high-bred  (hybrid)  crab-apples. 

Mistake.     Mistakes  and  suffering  give  us  keen  eyes 

and  sharp  ears. 

The  man  that  never  made  a  mistake  is  a  liar. 
Learn  from  the  mistakes  of  others. 
We  proclaim  our  triumphs  and  hide  our  mistakes. 
The  only  sensible  thing  he  ever  did  was  done  by 

mistake. 

Mistrust.     Mistrust,  distrust. 

Moan.     The  song  of  songs  is  a  moan. 

Mob.     The  mob — a  many-headed  brute. 

A  mob  is  a  monster  with  many  heads  and  no  brains. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar. 

Men. 

See  jealous  labor  strike  the  hand  that  feeds, 
And  burn  the  mills  that  grind  their  daily  bread. 

Men. 

The  mob  is  like  blind  Samson  in  the  temple  of 

Dagon. 

The  fickle  mob  turns  to  every  breeze. 
The  mob — many  brainless  heads. 

Where  the  mad  mob  rules  Liberty  runs  mad, 
And  justice  dies.       *         *         *         * 
O  was  the  blood  of  patriot  fathers  shed 


LACONICS  115 


To  found  an  empire  governed  by  the  mob — 
Where  Freedom  falls  and  Anarchy  instead 
Teaches  her  hungry  wolves  to  rape  and  rob  ? 

One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

Modesty.  True  modesty  avoids  a  remote  suggestion 
of  evil. 

Moments.     Moments  are  the  atoms  of  Eternity. 

Money.  Make  money  your  God  and  it  will  be- 
come your  Devil. 

Nothing  talks  louder  than  money. 

She  who  marries  money  sells  herself. 

He  who  loses  his  money  loses  his  best  friend. 

Money — the  circulating  medium — is  the  life-blood 
of  the  nations. 

In  the  game  of  Life  money  is  trumps. 

He  that  has  honey  on  his  tongue  will  put  money 
in  his  purse. 

He  is  a  wise  man  who  knows  how  to  spend  his 
money. 

Be  the  master  of  money,  not  its  slave. 

He  can  find  money  to  bet  on  a  horse  race  when  he 
can't  find  money  to  buy  bread  for  his  children. 

Money  is  worth  what  it  will  buy. 

Monkey.     The  monkey  is  second  cousin  to  all  men, 

and  closer  kin  to  many. 

We  have  descended  (a  long  way)  from  the  monkey. 
Don't  monkey  with  a  buzz-saw. 
If  we  are  no  longer  monkeys  let  us  act  like  men. 
He  appears  to  be  a  cross  between  a  monkey  and  a 

pole-cat. 

Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress. 
He's  still  a  monkey  nevertheless. 

(Trans,  from  the  Spanish.) 


116  LACONICS 


Monopoly.     Monopolies    fatten  a  few    and  beggar  a 

multitude. 

Throttle  the  "Trusts"  and  crush  the  coils  combined 
That  crack  our  bones  and  fatten  on  our  fields. 

Men. 

Monument.     In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored 
to  build  a  monument  to  himself. 

Moon — moonshine.     Did   you   ever  hear  the   moon 

bark  back  at  the  dogs? 
Moonshine  is  a  thin  diet. 

Mortality.     Dead  in  the  prime  of  his  years, 
And  laid  in  the  lap  of  the  dust; 
Only  a  handful  of  ashes 
Moldering  down  into  dust. 

Lines  on  the  Death  of  Captain  Coates. 

Mother.     Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 
The  earth  is  the  mother  of  all. 

Mother-in-law.     Philosophy  is  a  cure  for  everything 
but  a  mother-in-law. 

Mother-wit.     Mother-wit  and  daddy-grit 
Will  never  harm  a  boy  a  bit. 

Mother-land.     Living  for  your  mother-land  is  better 
than  dying  for  it. 

Motive.     Men  are  moved  by  motive. 

Much — too  much.     Make  much  of  the  little  you  have. 
Enough  is  often  two  much. 

Multitude.     Government  by  the  multitude  is^mob- 
ocracy. 


LACONICS  117 


Must.     "Must"  will  drive  "Can't"  over  a  mountain. 
When  Nature  commands  we  must. 


Myself.     The  best  friend  I  have  is  myself. 

Mystery.     I  dreamed  a  dream  all  mist  and  m> 

Paul 

There  is  no  mystery — only  mist  in  our  eyes. 


N 

Nagging.     Nagging  is  a  bad  habit;  better  be  a  bore. 

Name.     What's  in  a  name? — Honor  or  shame. 
Where  is  Caesar  ? — All  that  is  left  is  a  name. 

Nations.     The  American  nation  was  born  in  a  log- 
cabin. 
All  nations  are  kin  and  will  some  day  be  one. 

Nature.     There  is  no  mercy  in  the  laws  of  Nature. 
Nature  demands  a  fair  price  for  everything. 

Nature  the  only  perfect  artist  is: 
Who  studies  Nature  may  approach  her  skill: 
Perfection  hers,  but  never  can  be  his, 
Though  her  sweet  voice  his  very  marrow  thrill: 
The  finest  work  of  art  are  Nature's  shadows  still. 

Poetry. 

Yea,  in  the  womb  of  Nature  slumber  still 
Wonders  undreamed  and  forms  beyond  compare. 

Beyond. 

Nature,  like  genius,  is  full  of  freaks. 
The  wise  man  studies  nature. 
It  is  folly  to  fight  against  the  laws  of  Nature. 


118  LACONICS 


The  facts  of  Nature  are  arguments  indisputable. 
Nature  makes  no  mistake ;  everything  is  good  for 

something. 
Drive  nature  out  at  the  front  door  and  she'll  come 

in  at  the  back. 

Nature  holds  a  mortgage  on  all  of  us. 
Nature  is  always  busy  doing  her  best. 
Nature  is  the  best  philosopher,  the  best  poet,  the 

best    painter. 
Nature  is  the  "Holy  Bible";  every  word  in  her 

great  book  is  a  fact  revealed. 
Nature  never  tells  a  lie. 
Every  word  written  in  nature  is  in  the  hand  writing 

of  God. 

Nature  creates  in  pairs. 

Nature  will  not  adjust  herself  to  us;  we  must  ad- 
just ourselves  to  nature. 
Nature  never  pardons. 
He  thinks  himself  an  artist — he  is  only  a  fourth 

cousin  to  Nature. 
Man  cannot  cancel  a  word  that  Nature  has  written. 

Necessity.     Necessity  is  a  hard  master,  but  a  good 

teacher. 
Yield  to  necessity  with  good  grace. 

Need — needy.     A  friend  in  need  is  a  friend  indeed. 
Bid  the  beggar  come  tomorrow;  give  to  the  needy 
now. 

Neighbor.  Prosperous  neighbors  make  good  cus- 
tomers. 

He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 

And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 

When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we  are  content 
with  our  neighbors. 

Self-denial  is  a  great  virtue  especially  in  our 
neighbor. 


LACONICS  119 


Nettle.     The  best  way  to  handle  a  nettle  is  to  grasp 
•    it  with  a  glove  on. 

New.     Tis  but  a  new  toot  on  the  same  old  horn 
That  brayed  in  ancient  Greece  and  Babylon. 

Men. 

Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. 

Poetry. 

As  the  new  comes  in  at  the  front  door  the  old  slips 

out  at  the  back. 
The  old  is  new  and  the  new  is  old. 

New  England.     New  England  has  become  New  Ire- 
land. 

News.     If  you  would  hear  news  about  yourself  ask 

the  gossips. 

She  carries  the  news  in  her  hat. 
If  you  wish  to  hear  the  news  from  the  city  go  into 

the    country. 

No.     "No"  is  shorter  than  "Yes." 

You  can  say  "no"  so  meekly  that  it  is  half  a  "yes." 
Learn  to  say  "No"  and  save  time  and  trouble. 
Her  No  is  a  Yes. 

Noise — noisy.     The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of 
wind.  Men. 

Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan.  Men. 

Great  noise  and  good  sense  soon  part  company. 

Nose.     A  man  with  a  long  nose  rarely  pokes  it  into 

other  peoples'  affairs. 
The  long-nosed  pig  is  a  whole  hog. 


120  LACONICS 


Nothing — nothingness.     Out   of  nothing,   nothing. 

Beyond. 

Where  nothing  is  lost  something  is  gained. 
Nothing  is  good  for  nothing. 
Life  gives  us  an  insight  into  nothingness. 
Nothing  for  nothing. 

Novelty.     Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. 

Poetry. 
Novelties  cost  more  than  bread. 

Now.     All  the  time  you  are  sure  of  is  now. 

Now  is  all  the  time  you  can  bet  on, — do  it  now. 

Nut.     Don't  eat  your  nut  before  you  crack  it. 

Every  man  can  find  plenty  of  nuts  to  crack  with- 
out cracking  his  own  "cocoanut." 

o 

Oak.     Hearts  of  oak  and  arms  of  steel. 

Up   grew   in    silence    through    a  thousand   years 
The  Titian-armed,  gnarl- jointed,  rugged  oak, 
Rock-rooted.  An  Old  English  Oak. 

For  only  stalwart  ships  of  oak  or  steel 
May  dare  the  deep  and  breast  the  billowy  sea, 
When  sweeps  the  thunder-voiced,  dark  hurricane, 
And  the  mad  ocean  shakes  his  shaggy  mane, 
And  roars  through  all  his  grim  and  vast  immensity. 

Poetry. 

Oar.     The  lazy  lubber  lays  on  his  oars  and  waits  for 
the  wind. 

Obedience.     Obedience  to  the  laws  of  nature  is  health 

and  wealth. 

My  feet  obey;  my  heart  rebels. 
He  who  cannot  command  must  obey. 


LACONICS  121 


Oblivion.     Immortal  Fame!  O  dust  and  death! 
The  centuries  as  they  pass  proclaim 
That  fame  is  but  a  mortal  breath, 
And  man  must  perish,  name  and  fame. 

Fame. 

Dust  to  dust: 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost  ? 
Gaily  for  a  day  we  tread — 
Proudly  with   averted   head — 
O'er  the  ashes  of  the  dead — 
Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust : 

Dust  to  dust.  Dust  to  Dust. 

Obscurity.     Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones, 

'tis   said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for  bread. 

Poetry. 

What  matter  if  the  dust  of  ages  drift 

Five  fathoms  deep  above  my  grave  unknown. 

Poetry. 

Observation. — observer.  Observe  closely;  think  care- 
fully. 

The  observer  who  studies  in  the  school  of  Time 
learns  much. 

Observe  and  think. 

Obstinacy.     No  ass  so  obstinate  as  ignorance. 

Men. 

Perseverance  in  a  good  cause  is  obstinacy  in  a  bad 
one. 

Occasion.     An  occasion  lost  is  lost  forever. 
Catch  occasion  in  front,  she  is  bare  behind. 

Occupation.     Idleness  is  the  mother  of  mischief. 


122  LACONICS 


Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 
In  rest  they  rust. 

Poetry. 

The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed, 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. 

Poetry. 

Ocean.     Measure  the  ocean  with  your  drinking-cup  ? 
Office.     He  who  desires  office  most  deserves  it  least. 

Oil.     Lubricate — lubricate:    oil    prevents    friction. 
Pour  oil  on  troubled  waters. 

There  is  no  medicine  so  good  for  anger  as  a  little 
sweet   oil. 

Old  bird.     An  old  bird  is  ware  of  a  gun. 
You  can  tell  an  old  bird  by  her  feathers. 

Old.     The  old  live  in  grave  yards. 

Give  me  an  old  head  and  a  young  heart. 

As  the  new  comes  in  at  the  front  door  the  old  slips 

out  at  the  back. 
The  old  is  new  and  the  new  is  old. 

Old  age.     Some  men  are  born  old,  some  never  grow 

old. 

Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
Old  age  crowned  with  folly  is  pitiful. 

Opinion.     When  a  man  asks  your  opinion  he  wants 

you  to  confirm  his. 

We  like  the  man  who  is  of  our  own  opinion. 
I  ain't  no  philosopher,  nur  no   prophet,   but  thet's 
my  opinion  and  that's  the  end  of  it. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Say,  mister,  give  me  yer  opinion, 
Is  thet  a  turnup  er  an  "inion"  ? 


LACONICS  128 


Wai,  now,  sir,  it  is  my  opinion 
That  thet's  a  turnup  er  an  "inion." 

Bronco  Bill. 

Opinions  begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 

Weigh  the  opinions  of  others;  decide  by  your  own. 

Take  the  opinions  of  others  and  sift  them  through 

your  own  sieve. 
He  who  would  be  right  must  sometimes  change 

his    opinion. 

Opportunity.  A  wise  man  will  make  more  opportuni- 
ties than  a  fool  can  find. 

If  opportunities  were  flying  in  flocks,  he  couldn't 
tell  an  opportunity  from  a  black-bird. 

A  wise  man  makes  opportunities  while  others  are 
watching  for  them. 

Opportunity  may  slip  by  while  you  deliberate. 

A  big  opportunity  rarely  appears  to  a  little  man. 

Opposition.  Opposition  is  a  whetstone  to  the  fanatic 
and  the  wise  man  alike. 

Oppression.     For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Orator — oratory.     Truth  is  the  greatest  orator. 
He  is  not  an  orator — only  a  wind-mill. 
His  tongue  has  got  in  the  habit  of  talking  and  he 

can't  hold  it. 

His  mouth  has  been  open  so  long,  he  can't  shut  it. 
He  has  less  oratory  and  more  noise  than  a  brass 

band. 
Wings   and   tail-feathers    and     squawk    make    a 

"spread-eagle"    orator. 


124  LACONICS 


Order.     Order  is  the  daughter  of  wisdom  and  the 

mother   of   success. 
Perpetual  change  is  the  order  of  God. 
Order  yourself  and  keep  yourself  in  order. 

Originality.     I  had  rather  write  one  word  upon  the 

rock 
Of  ages  than  ten  thousand  in  the  sand. 

Poetry. 

Many  author's  are  full  of  original  nonsense. 
Original  ? — original  ? — what    is    original  ? — original 
ignorance. 

Ostentation.     The  higher  he  soars  the  more  he  flutters 
his  feathers. 

Other— others.     The  "Golden  Rule"  applies  to  your 

neighbor  and  not  to  yourself? 
Confucius  preached  the  "Golden  Rule"  550  years 

before  Jesus  was  born. 

If  you  are  right  let  others  flunk, — stand  "pat." 
Do  your  duty  by  others  if  they  fail  to  do  their  duty 

by  you — it  pays. 
Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes,  too. 

Ourselves.     We  are  too  easily  reconciled  to  ourselves. 

We  easily  pardon  in  ourselves,  what  we  condemn  in 
others. 

We  build  churches  for  ourselves,  not  for  God. 

We  like  to  be  confessor  to  others,  but  not  to  our- 
selves. 

When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we  are  content 
with  our  neighbors. 

We  own  nothing ;  we  have  but  a  short  lease — even 
of  ourselves. 


LACONICS  125 


Overdo — overdone.  Do,  but  don't  overdo:  over- 
done is  as  bad  as  under-done. 

Owls.     Wise  men  there  be,  for  owls  are  counted  wise, 
Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  paths  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. 
****** 

These  have  one  argument,  and  only  one, 
For  good  or  evil,  earth  or  jeweled  heaven — 
The  olden,  owlish  argument  of  Doubt. 

Men. 

He  blinks  like  a  wise  old  owl  and  says  nothing. 

Own — ownership.  The  man  who  minds  his  own  busi- 
ness is  well  employed. 

We  own  nothing;  we  have  but  a  short  lease  even 
of  ourselves. 

Ox.     Begrudge  not  the  patient  ox  his  corn. 

Oyster.  It  was  a  long  road  from  protoplasm  to  the 
oyster,  and  a  long  time  before  the  oyster  shed 
his  shell  and  walked  on  two  legs. 


p 

Pain.     Who  sows  in  passion  reaps  in  pain. 

Pains.     No  gains  without  pains. 
Take  pains  and  make  gains. 

Pair.     Nature  makes  all  things  in  pairs. 

Parasite.     Men  are  divided  into  princes  and  parasites. 
The  herd  are  parasites  of  parasites. 


126  LACONICS 


Pardon.     He  who  pardons  the  guilty  punishes  the 

innocent. 

It  is  easy  for  a  man  to  pardon  himself. 
We  easily  pardon  in  another  the  offence  of  which 

we  ourselves  have  been  guilty. 
Nature  never  pardons;  her  laws  are  immutable. 
Pardon  crowns  the  victor. 
He  pardons  the  guilty  and  punishes  the  innocent. 

Parsimony.     Parsimony  and  poverty  are  rarely  bed- 
fellows. 
Parsimony  is  the  worst  kind  of  poverty. 

Partizans.     Patriots  first,  partizans  last. 

Party.     His   party  has   seven   cardinal   principals — 
five  loaves  and  two  fishes. 

Passion.     Control   your   passions,    or   your   passions 

will  control  you. 

Passion,  like  fire,  under  control  is  beneficial. 
Every  passion  is  written  on  the  face. 
Passion  is  the  wild  steed,  reason  the  rider. 
Put  a  bridle  on  your  passions  or  they  will  put  a 

halter  on  you. 
Who  sows  in  passion  reaps  in  pain. 

Past.     An  old  man's  future  is  in  the  past. 

pon't  keep  on  hurrahing  after  the  procession  has- 

gone    past. 
Don't  spend  your  time  bemoaning  the  past — look. 

ahead. 

We  live  in  the  shadow  of  the  past. 
We  sometimes  mis-read  the  present  by  the  light  of 

the  past. 
We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the  infinite 

future. 


LACONICS  127 


We  stand  upon  the  shoulders  of  the  past. 
Only  the  past  is  certain. 

Path.     It  is  easy  to  follow  a  beaten  path,  not  so  easy 
to  blaze  a  new  trail  through  the  wilderness. 

Patience.     If  you  wait  for  the  mountain  to  come  to 

you,  will  patience  bring  it? 
He  who  is  equipped  with  patience  and  perseverance 

is  equipped  for  work. 
Patience  is  out  of  place  in  a  hornet's  nest. 
He  is  over  patient  who  can  sit  calmly  on  a  hot  stove. 
It  is  idle  to  preach  patience  to  a  drowning  man. 
Patience  is  twin  brother  of  fortitude. 
The  time  to  practise  Christian  patience  is  when 

your  mother-in-law  has  the  tooth-ache. 
Patience  may  be  good  for  boils  (see  Job)  but  a 

poultice  is  better  for  carbuncles. 
Be  patient,  but  not  pusillanimous. 
Patience  lightens  burdens,  but  if  you  are  too  patient 

they  will  pile  on  more  than  you  can  carry. 
On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the  patient  mule 

will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 
Fortify  courage  with  patience. 
Philosophy  teaches  patience. 
Patience  lightens  the  burden. 
Patience  in  a  swarm  of  mosquitos? 
Patience  is  power. 

Patriot — patriotism.     "It's     patriotism,"    said    T.R. 

''It's  politics,"  said  Harriman. 
Patriots  first — partizans  second. 

Pawn.     Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 

Pay-day.     Every  day  in  the  week  is  pay-day. 
Pay-day  comes  to  every  man — good  or  bad. 


128  LACONICS 


Pay-master.     A  well  tilled  field  is  a  good  pay-master. 

Peace.     War  is  just  only  when  we  fight  for  peace. 
Pat  said  "Oi  'm  niver  at  pace  ony  whin  Oi  'm  in  a 
foight." 

Pearls.     He  casts  his  pearls  belore  swine,  but  it's 
only  pearl-barley  and  the  pigs  like  it. 

Peculiarity.     Peculiarity  marks  the  man. 

Pedantry.  He  who  loves  to  show  his  learning  to  the 
ignorant,  shows  his  ignorance  to  the  learned. 

Pegasus.     Don't  mistake  an  ass  for  Pegasus. 

Pen.     The  lance  of  chivalry  was  shivered  by  the  goose- 
quill  of  Cervantes. 
"The  pen  is  mightier  than  the  sword,"  but  a  "Big 

stick"  beats  both. 
I  can  give  you  a  pen  but  I  can't  give  you  brains  to 

use  it. 

It  gin  'im  the  ' 'blues,"  an'  he  tackled  the  Muse, 
An'  he  tuk  a  pen  an'  writ. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Penitent.     Beware  of  a  public  penitent. 
The  penitentiary  is  full  of  penitents. 

Penny.     It  is  a  good  penny  that  saves  the  pound. 

People.  The  world  may  be  divided  into  people  who 
think  and  people  who  let  others  think  for  them. 

Give  the  people  perfect  liberty  and  see  the  Kil- 
kenny cat-fight. 

The  "dear  people"  like  to  be  deceived;  they  suck 
flattery  as  calves  suck  milk. 

Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes  too. 


LACONICS  129 


Perfection.     Perfection   can   only  be   approximated, 
not   attained. 

Perfume.     Women  use  perfumes  to  kill  other  "smells." 
Kick  a  skunk  and  catch  the  perfume. 

Perseverance.     Prudence,    patience,    perseverance! 
Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  shining  silk;  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will, 
Or  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. 

Poetry. 

Stick-to-it  will  do  it. 

Patience  and  perseverance  are  better  than  brilliant 

parts. 
Perseverance  in  a  good  cause  is  obstinacy  in  a  bad 

one. 

Persistence.     Persistence    is    strength;    the    tender 

mushroom  will  break  through  hard  clay. 
Persistent  courage  wins  the  smile  of  fate. 

Pauline. 

Men  lack  purpose  and  persistence  more  than  talent. 
On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the  little  donkey 
will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 

Perverseness.     Man  has  a  natural  taste  for  forbidden 

fruit. 

There  are  more  balky  men  than  balky  mules. 
Some  men  are  so  perverse  that  they  will  spend  their 
lives  trying  to  make  water  run  up-hill. 

Petticoat.     Beware  of  vice  in  rouge  and  red  petti- 
coats. 

When  the  wife  wears  the  pants  who  wears    the 
petticoats  ? 


130  LACONICS 


He  is  a  sneak  who  hides  under  his  wife's  petticoats. 

"An'  he  rid  on  a  side-saddle 

In  petticoats — half  a-straddle."         Bronco  Bill. 

Philosophy — Philosopher.  Philosophy  won't  ease  a 
boil  under  the  seat  of  your  pants. 

Philosophy  may  do  for  breakfast,  but  it's  a  poor 
dinner. 

When  your  friend  has  the  toothache  give  him  a 
dose  of  philosophy  and  watch  the  effect. 

To  discover  and  practise  good  is  true  philosophy. 

Philosophy ! — philosophy ! — Diogones  starved  in 
a  tubfull  of  philosophy. 

Philosophy  is  good  for  a  pimple,  but  it  won't  cure 
a  carbuncle. 

The  philosopher  can  patiently  endure  his  mother- 
in-law's  toothache  » 

Rocky-feller  found  the  philosopher's  stone  in  an 
oil-well. 

The  man  who  has  found  content  is  a  true  philoso- 
pher. 

Physic — Physician.     The  more  physic  the  worse  for 

the  patient. 

Physiced  with  metaphysics.  Men. 

Young  man,  if  you  are  love-sick,  take  a  dose  of 

purgative  pills. 
Call  one  doctor  and  you  may  live;  call  two  and — 

make  your  will. 
Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are  dead. 

Pig.     Every  pig  to  his  own  pen. 

The  biggest  pig  I  ever  saw  walked  on  two  legs. 

Pilot.     Who  takes  a  blind  man  for  a  pilot  ? 
He's  a  good  pilot  in  a  mill-pond. 
Learn  to  be  your  own  pilot. 


LACONICS  131 


Pippin.     Pip  me  a  pippin. 

Pit.     Who  digs  a  pit  for  others  may  fall  into  it  him- 
self. 

Pity.     Pity  not  the  dead  but  the  living. 

Plans.     The  best  of  plans  may  be  spoiled  in  execution. 
Plan  deliberately — execute  promptly. 

Play.     Play  the  lion  with  lions  and  the  fox  with  foxes. 
If  you  want  to  play  into  the  hearts  of  the  "dear 
people"  play  a  brass  band. 

Please — pleasure.     Our  greatest  pleasure  is  in  pleasing 

others. 

Everything  goes  by  pairs — pleasure  and  pain,  good 
and  evil. 

The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 
Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self  same  tune 
Forever.  Change. 

The  most  delicious  fruits 
Pall  on  the  palate  if  we  taste  too  oft, 
And  Hyblan  honey  turns  to  bitter  gall. 

Change. 

Pleasure  and  pain  grow  on  one  stem. 
Did  ever  any  man  please  everybody  ? 
There  are  few  men  who  can  please  even  themselves. 
He  who  tries  to  please  everybody,  in  the  end  pleases 

nobody. 
There  is  more   pleasure  in  a  good  deed  well  done 

than  in  the  applause  of  the  million. 

Pledge.     The  streets  are  paved  with  broken  pledges. 
A  bad  pledge  is  better  broken. 

Plow — plowman.     He  plows  with  a  pencil  and  reaps 
with  his  pen. 


132  LACONICS 


His  plow  handles  are  too  long,  he  lives  in  the  city 
and  his  farm  is  fifty  miles  away. 

Ah  blithesome  plowman  whistling  on  the  glebe, 
Ah  merry  mowers  singing  in  the  swaths, 
Sweet,  simple  souls  contented  not  to  know, 
Wiser  are  ye  and  ye  may  teach  the  wise. 

O  Let  me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  Ago. 

Pluck.     Pluck  is  better  than  luck. 
Pluck  and  luck  make  a  strong  team. 
When  the  peach  is  ripe  it  is  time  to  pluck  it. 

Plum — plumb.     He  goes  to  the  plum  tree  for  pears 

and  the  pear  tree  for  plums. 
'Taint  every  plum  thet's  wuth  pickin'. 

Bronco  Bill. 
Ef  it's  pup-pup-pupendiceler  it's  plumb. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Plunder.  He  who  plunders  thousands  thinks  he  does 
a  generous  deed  when  he  doles  out  pennies  to 
the  poor. 

Pocket.  I  put  my  hand  in  my  pocket  and  find  a 
friend. 

Poet — poetry.     The  grandest  poem  is  God's  universe: 
In  measured  rhythm  the  planets  whirl  their  course ; 
Rhythm  swells  and  throbs  in  every  sun  and  star 
In  mighty  ocean's  organ-peals  and  roar, 
In  billows  bounding  on  the  harbor-bar, 
In  the  blue  surf  that  rolls  upon  the  shore, 
In  the  low  zephyr's  sigh,  the  tempest's  sob, 
In  the  rain's  patter  and  the  thunder's  roar: 
Aye,  in  the  awful  earthquakes  shuddering  throb, 
When  old  Earth  cracks  her  bones  and  trembles  to 
her  core.  Poetry. 


LACONICS  133 

All  poetry  must  be,  if  it  be  true, 

Like  the  keen  arrows  of  the  Grecian  God 

Appolo,  that  caught  fire  as  they  flew. 

Poetry. 

Poets  are  born,  not  made,  some  scribbler  said, 
And  every  rhymester  thinks  the  saying  true; 
Better  unborn  than  wanting  labor's  aid; 
Aye,  all  great  poets,  all  great  men,  are  made 
'Between  the  hammer  and  the  anvil.     Few 
Have  the  true  metal,  many  have  the  fire. 

Poetry. 

No  slave  or  savage  ever  proved  a  bard; 
Men  have  their  bent,  but  labor  its  reward. 

Poetry. 

The  poet's  brain  with  spirit- vision  teems; 
The  voice  of  nature  warbles  in  his  heart; 
A  sage,  a  seer,  he  moves  from  men  apart, 
And  walks  among  the  shadows  of  his  dreams. 

Poetry. 

Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.     Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor,  is  the  same: 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. 

Poetry. 

Poetry  is  truth  set  to  music. 
I  hear  a  piper  piping  on  a  reed 
To  listening  flocks  of  sheep  and  bearded  goats. 

Poetry. 

Workmen  are  plenty  but  the  masters  few. 
He  will  read  and  range  and  rhyme  in  vain 
Who  hath  no  dust  of  diamonds  in  his  brain. 

Poetry. 
Long-haired  poets  are  out  of  fashion. 


134  LACONICS 


Poetaster.     "Poeta  nacitur,  non  fit."     Such  poets  are 

born  misfits. 

See  dapper  poets  hurrying  for  their  dimes 
With  maudlin  verses  tinsel-tipped  with  rhymes. 

Poetry. 

He  climbs  a  tree  to  catch  a  fish. 
I  hear  loud  voices  and  a  clamorous  throng 
With  braying  bugles  and    with  bragging  drums — 
Bards  and  bardies  laboring  at  a  song. 
One  lifts  his  locks  above  the  rest  preferred, 
And  to  the  buzzing  flies  of  fashion  thrums 
A  banjo.  Lo  him  follow  all  the  herd. 

Poetry. 

Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unlearned  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre, 
Who  sails  on  land  and  gallops  on  the  blast, 
And  mounts  the  welkin  on  a  braying  ass, 
Clattering  a  shattered  cymbal  bright  with  brass, 
And  slips  his  girth  and  tumbles  in  the  mire. 

Poetry. 

There  is  poetry  in  carrots  and  cabbage 
He  spoiled  at  last  a  skillful  laster 
To  make  a  darn  poor  poetaster. 

Poets.     Wordsworth — all  feet  and  no  wings. 
Tennyson — winged  feet. 

Byron — an  eagle's  wings  and  a  crippled  foot. 
Poe — a  wild  steed's  feet  and  a  raven's  wings. 
Shakespeare — a  lion's  feet  and  a  condor's  wings. 

Policy.     Lubricate  the  tongue;  it  takes  oil  to  run  the 

machine. 
"My  policy"   is  himself. 

Politeness.     Over-politeness  is  hypocrisy. 


LACONICS  135 


Studied  politeness  is  boorish. 
Kindness  is  politeness  everywhere. 

Politics — politicians.     In  the  game  of  politics  money 
is  trumps. 

*         *         *         Hear  the  demagogues 
Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan. 

Men. 

Hear  the  old  bandogs  of  the  Daily  Press, 
Chained  to  their  party  posts,  or  fetter  free 
And  running  amuck  against  old  party  creeds, 
On-howl  their  packs  and  glory  in  the  fight. 
See  mangy  curs,  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze, 
Slang- whanging  yelp  and  froth  and  snap  and  snarl, 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  bread. 

Men. 

Politicians  play  and  the  people  pay  the  piper. 
Politicians  pander  to  the  weak  side  of  the  masses. 
A  politician  is  like  a  dog  in  a  wheel. 
"It's  patriotism,"   said  Teddy. 
"It's  politics,"   said  Harriman. 

Why  these  parades,  brass-bands  and  braying  drums, 
These  frantic  howls  from  pulpit,  stage  and  slums? 
What  is  the  matter?     What's  it  all  about? 
One  side  is  in  and  t'other  side  is  out. 

To  whichsomever  corner  shifts  the  wind,   thereto 
I  "hist"  mine  hat. 

Poor.     A  poor  man  has  few  cousins. 
It's  hard  to  be  hungry  and  honest. 


136  LACONICS 


Populace.     Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless 

land. 

The  yelping  curs  that  bay  the  rising  moon 
Are  not  more  clamorous  and  the  fitful  winds 
Not  more  inconstant. 

Men. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 

Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar; 

As  full  of  freaks  as  curs  are  full  of  fleas; 

Like  gnats  they  swarm,  like  flies  they  buzz  and 
breed.  Men. 

The  populace  are  either  tooting  tin  horns  or  crawl- 
ing on  their  bellies. 

The  populace  judge  from  passion,  fashion  and 
prejudice. 

As  with  wine  so  with  the  populace,  agitation  brings 
the  dregs  to  the  top. 

Popular — popularity.  Popular  opinion  is  like  a  pendu- 
lum— always  see-sawing. 

Popular  praise  is  a  puff  of  wind. 

A  popular  man  makes  everything  he  advocates 
popular. 

A  popular  man  right  or  wrong  has  many  followers. 

It  you  want  to  be  popular  hire  a  brass  band  and 
swing  a  "big  stick." 

Posterity.      "Gintlemin,    Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  an- 

ancestors,"  said  Pat,  "but  Oi  kin  boasht  av  me 

posterity,. fer  Biddy  an'  Oi  hez  twinty  wanav'em." 

I  am  not  writing  for  posterity,  I  am  writing  for  my 

ancestors. 

Potatoes.     Buttered  baked  potatoes  grow  in  the  gar- 
den of  fools. 
Ah,  sweet  content, — the  blessing  of  the  blest — 


LACONICS  137 


Upon  thy  cheerful  table — east  or  west — 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 
One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

Poverty.     If  you  would  keep  from  poverty  keep  out 

of  debt. 

Poverty  rocked  the  cradle  of  most  great  men. 
Poverty  makes  men  cowards. 
Republics  breed  both  luxury  and  poverty. 
Poverty  may  laugh  at  a  burglar. 
Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 

Power.     Patience,  pluck  and  perseverance  are  power. 

Practice.     Many  preach,  few  practice. 
Practice  what  you  preach. 

Praise.     Praise  him  and  he  will  praise  you. 
He  who  listens  for  praise  will  hear  dispraise. 

Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 
Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware  ? 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  sweet  praise  or  calumny — 
Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care  ? 

Poetry. 

Praise  God  by  righteous  deeds  and  brother-love. 

Men. 

Let  your  deeds  praise  you,  your  tongue  never. 
Praise  in  the  mouth  of  a  friend  may  be  tasteful 

which  in  your  own  mouth  would  be  nauseating. 
Virtue  starves  on  hollow  praise. 
Seek  advice  rather  than  praise. 
He  who  disparages  himself  to  others  expects  praise. 
Let  your  praise  come  from  the  mouth  of  a  friend. 
The  rebuke  of  the  wise  is  better  than  the  praise  of 

a  fool. 
It  is  easier  to  get  praise  than  to  earn  it. 


138  LACONICS 


Prayer.  The  same  immutable  laws  that  govern  the 
sun  and  his  planets  govern  all  things. 

Can  prayer  reverse  the  seasons,  or  turn  night  into 
day? 

Prayer  is  the  plea  of  ignorance. 

Prayer  presumes  that  God  is  weak  and  variable. 

All  my  prayers  are  one — 

Father,  thy  will  be  done. 

Prayer  is  a  cry  of  despair. 

Prayer  presumes  that  God  is  human. 

Pray  and  work,  but  don't  stop  work  to  pray. 

Pray  for  a  stout  heart  and  a  strong  arm. 

Storm  over,  prayers  over. 

Prayer  is  a  complaint  against  Providence. 

Pray,  pray — but  don't  forget  to  work. 

Precedent.     The     olden     precedents — 

Oft  stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong — 

Pauline. 

Precedents  are  not  proofs. 
Precedents  are  often  stumbling  blocks. 
Better  make  a  good  precedent  than  follow  a  bad  one. 
Progress,   not  precedent. 

Precept.     The  entire  New  Testament  may  be  boiled 
down  into  one  precept  (borrowed  by  Jesus  from 
Confucius) — "Do  unto  otherstas  you  would  have 
others  do  unto  you." 
Let  your  practise  precede  your  precepts. 

Precipice.     A  precipice  before  and  fire  in  the  rear. 

Precipitate.  He  is  too  precipitate  who  goes  off  "half- 
cocked." 

Prejudice.  When  we  cast  off  an  old  prejudice  we  are 
apt  to  take  on  a  new  one. 


LACONICS  139 


Prepare.     Be  always  prepared. 

Be  prepared  both  for  your  friends  and  your  enemies. 

Prepare  your  ground  before  you  sow  the  seed. 

Prepare  for  the  storm  ere  it  cometh. 

Prepare  to  be  disappointed. 

He  is  prepared  who  is  always  on  guard. 

Present — presents.     Make  good  use  of  the  present  and 

the  future  will  be  provided  for. 
We  sometimes  misread  the  present  by  the  light  of 

the  past. 
Pay  your  debts  first  and  make  presents  afterwards. 

Press.     A  newspaper  is  simply  the  organ  of  the  man 

behind  it. 
The  newspaper  "is  a  power  in  the  land"  for  good  or 

evil. 
People  have  quit  reading  the  Bible   and   gone   to 

reading  newspapers. 

Is  this  the  golden  age  or  the  age  of  gold  ? 
Lo  by  the  page  or  column  fame  is  sold. 
Hear  the  big  journal  braying  like  an  ass; 
Behold  the  brazen  statesman  as  they  pass. 

Poetry. 

See  mangy  curs  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze, 
Slang-whanging  yelp  and  froth  and  snap  and  snarl, 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  bread. 

Men. 

The  press  is  the  mill  that  grinds  the  grist  the  boss- 
miller  wants  ground. 

Presume — presumption.     To   presume  that  you  are 

wise  is  a  violent  presumption. 
Don't  presume  too  much  on  the  weakness  of  your 

enemy  or  the  strength  of  your  friend. 
Presumption  leaps,   knowledge  creeps. 


140  LACONICS 


Pretense — pretension.     Loud  crowing  and  flapping  of 
wings,  but  he  never  gets  above  his  dung-hill. 

Prevention.     It  is  better  to  prevent  than  to  punish. 

Price.     A  "cut"  price  is  a  pick-pocket. 

If  you  "go  the  pace"  you  must  pay  the  price. 
Every  man  has  his  price  if  it  is  only  "two  bits." 

Pride.     Ignorance  is  the  mother  of  pride. 
The  littler  the  man,  the  greater  this  pride. 
Pride  pays  two  per  cent,  per  month  to  conceal  his 

poverty. 
Pride  is  a  weed  that  grows  rankest  on  a  dung-hill. 

Prince.     Every  prince  has  his  parasites. 
Princes  and  parasites  comprise  mankind. 
To  one  wise  prince  a  million  parasites. 

Men. 

Principal.     His  principal  business  is  poking  his  nose 

into  other  people's  business. 
His  principal  business  is  killing  time. 

Principle.     His  principle  is  to  add  compound  interest 

to  his  principal. 
Men  of  principle  should  be  the  principal  men. 

Probability.     Two  probabilities  don't  make  one  fact. 

Procrastination.     "Tomorrow  I  made  my  fortune," 
cries  the  fool,  "Today  I'll  spend  it." 

Men. 

Better  be  ten  minutes  ahead  than  ten  seconds  be- 
hind. 

The  procrastinator  dies  deliberating. 
Precipitancy  and  procrastination  are  equal  faults. 


LACONICS  141 


Prodigal — prodigality.  Pinching  economy  saves  for 
prodigality  and  prodigality  runs  down  hill  to 
penury. 

When  the  prodigal  returns  to  the  family  fold, 
Take  the  poor  hungry  sinner  in  out  of  the  cold ; 
Kill  a  hen  and  a  calf;  put  a  bottle  on  ice, 
And  call  him  to  dinner  and  give  him  a  slice, 

Profanity.  Profanity  is  a  brutal  vice  and  a  sure  sign 
of  bad  breeding. 

Profess.     Profess  nothing  you  are  unable  to  do. 
Better  possess  than  profess. 

Profit.     Profit  by  the  mistakes  of  others. 

You  can't  afford  to  work  for  nothing  and  board 
yourself. 

Profuse.     He  that  is  profuse  is  rarely  profound. 

Progress.  Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  truth  advance, 
And  conquering  Science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stubborn  Ignorance. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Progress,  not  precedent. 

Promise.     Slow  to  promise,  prompt  to  perform. 

Hooks  baited  with  promises  catch  gudgeons. 

He  that  promises  too  much  means  nothing. 

Promise  may  make  a  friend,  performance  will  keep 
him. 

Promises  are  cheap,  performance  dear. 

Perform  first,  promise  afterwards. 

A  promise  is  poor  payment. 

Swift  to  promise,  slow  to  fulfil. 

He  lives  in  the  land  of  promise  and  eats  roast  chick- 
ens before  they  are  hatched. 

A  promise  is  a  debt. 


142  LACONICS 


Better  a  dollar  today  than  a  promise  of  two  to- 
morrow. 

Prompt — promptness.     Better  be  ten  minutes  ahead 

than  ten  seconds  behind. 
Be  slow  to  promise,  prompt  to  fulfil. 

Property.     Property  has  its  duties  as  well  as  its  rights. 
The  individual  ownership  of  property  is  the  founda- 
tion   of   civilization. 

Prophet.     Prophets  seldom  profit  by  their  prophecies. 
The  woods  are  full  of  prophets. 

Propitious.     Watch  for  the  propitious  time. 

Prosperity.     They  that  sow  in  adversity  will  reap  in 

prosperity. 

Beware  of  the  prosperity  that  loads  you  with  debt. 
In  prosperity,  economy;  in  adversity,  fortitude. 
He  who  is  insolent  in  prosperity  will  be  a  coward 

,in  adversity. 

In  prosperity  friends  flock  to  you. 
Hard  work  is  still  the  road  to  prosperity. 
Prosperity  is  the  touchstone ;  it  will  prove  the  metal 

a  man  is  made  of. 

All  classes  are  benefited  by  the  prosperity  of  one. 
What   prosperity   conceals  adversity   reveals. 
A  lamb  in  prosperity,  a  lion  in  adversity. 
In  adversity  calm;  in  prosperity  calm. 
In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends,  in  adversity 

they  will  beware  of  you. 

Protect — protector.    Protect  the  toiling  millions  by 
just   laws.  Men. 

Protection.     Put  up  the  bars;  bar    out   the   pauper 
hordes ; 


LACONICS  H3 


Bar  out  their  products  that  compete  with  ours. 
Give  honest  toil  at  home  an  honest  chance; 
Build  up  our  own  and  keep  our  coin  at  home. 
In  vain  our  mines  pour  forth  their  tons  of  gold 
And  silver,  if  by  every  ship  they  sail 
For  London,  Paris,  Birmingham  and  Berlin. 

Men. 

Proverbs.     Proverbs  are  the  condensed  wisdom  of 

ages. 

Proverbs,  wisdom  boiled  down. 
Patch  poverty  with  proverbs. 

Providence.     God  tempers  the   shorn   lamb  to  the 
winds. 

Hope  and  trust; 
All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan: 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just; 
Hope  and  trust. 

Dust  to  Dust. 

The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun-touched 

sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  earth? 
Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 
Or  ever  wilt.     Content  thee ;  let  it  be ; 
Know  only  this — there  is  a  Power  unknown, 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. 

Beyond. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


144  LACONICS 


Stretch  forth  thy  hand,  O  man, 

To  the  winds  and  the  quaking  earth — 

To  the  heaving  and  falling  sea — 

To  the  ultimate  stars — and  feel 

The  throb  of  the  spirit  of  God — 

The  pulse  of  the  Universe.  Lines,  etc. 

Rev.  Mr. — "Trust  in  Providence,  sister." 
Deaf  old  Lady:  "I  kin  du  better  in  Boston." 
Plant  and  till  your  garden  well  and  Providence  will 

give  you  a  crop. 
If  you  leap  into  the  sea,  Providence  is  not  bound 

to  fish  you  out. 

Prudence.     Prudence  is  the  pivot  on  which  a  wise 

man  turns. 

Fortitude  and  prudence  make  a  good  span. 
Fortune  is  a  friend  of  prudence. 

Psalm.     All  the  grub  that  war  left  fer  them  pore 

shorn   lambs 

War  a  ferkin  of  pickled  herrin'  an'  clams, 
One  ole  black  Bible  an*  a  Book  of  Sams, 
An'  forty  bar'ls  of  Holland  gin. 

Bronco   Bill. 

An'  the  fust  thing  he  did — thet  Puritan  kid — 
Arfter  singin'  a  Sam  an'  prayin'  a  pra'r, 
War  tu  shute  a  Injun  an'  skelp  his  har; 
An'  Captin  Standish  an*  Elder  Brewster 
They  patted  thet  kid  an'  called  'im  'The  Ruster." 

Bronco  Bill. 

The  choir  sang  a  psalm  of  praise — to  themselves. 

Public.     Who  serves  the  public  serves  a  fickle  master. 
Who  serves  the  public  serves  a  poor  paymaster. 

Public  Opinion.     In  a  republic  public  opinion  is  king. 


LACONICS  U5 


Nothing  is  more  capricious  than  public  opinion. 
Public  opinion! — Public  opinion!  Can  you  nail  it 

down  and  keep  it  nailed  down? 
Men  will  face  shot  and  shell  rather  than  face  public 

opinion. 

Pudding.     Keep  your  fingers  out  of  my  pudding. 
He's  a  puddin'-head  without  plums. 

Pull-down.     Pull  down  the  toiler ;  lift  the  idler  up  ? 

Men. 

The  play  is  over;  pull  down  the  curtain. 
Pull  down  the  hawk's  nest  before  the  eggs  are 

hatched. 

Pull  down  the  hornet's  nest  with  a  long  pole. 
A  fool  can  pull  down  faster  than  a  wise  man  can 
build  up. 

Pull  up.     She  pulls  up  her  petticoats  to  show  her  silk 

hose. 
It  is  hard  pulling  up  hill. 

Pun.     There's  a  bit  of  fun  in  a  witty  pun. 

Punctual — punctuality.     If  you  would  catch  the  train 
better  be  ten  minutes  ahead  than  ten  seconds 
behind. 
Make  punctuality  a  cardinal  rule. 

Punishment.     To  pardon  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the 

innocent. 

He  who  sins  inflicts  his  own  punishment. 
Nature  never  pardons;  she  punishes. 
Punish  crime  to  prevent  crime. 

Pure — purity.     The  finest  diamonds  have  flaws. 
There  are  spots  on  the  sun. 
She  is  pure  as  snow,  and — as  cold. 


146  LACONICS 


Puritanical.     Puritanical    purity    is    like    snow — it 
freezes. 

Puritan.     The  old  Puritans  tried  to  get  to  Heaven  on 
a  bridge  of  sighs  and  psalms. 

Purpose.     Work  to  a  worthy  purpose  and  you  will 

prosper. 
Men  lack  purpose  and  persistence  more  than  talent. 

Pursuit.  It  don't  pay  to  pursue  an  express  train  with 

a  hand-car. 
Half  the  pleasure  is  in  the  pursuit. 

Push.     Push  your  way — strike  the  iron  till  it  is  hot. 

Pygmy.     We  only  know  that  we  are  men — 
Midge-midgets  on  this  grain  of  sand 
That  rolls  around  our  lesser  sun 
Where  myriad  suns  obey  His  hand. 

Message. 

Most  men  are  pigs;  all  men  are  pygmies. 


Q 

Quack — quackery.  Quack  quackles  quack  when  doc- 
tors disagree. 

The  quack  is  full  of  remedies  for  imaginary  ills. 

Every  quack  quacks  and  the  biggest  quack  quacks 
the  loudest. 

Quarrel.     When  steel  strikes  flint  the  sparks  fly. 
It  takes  two  to  quarrel. 

He  who  quarrels  with  a  skunk  will  get  perfumed. 
In  every  quarrel  both  are  to  blame. 


LACONICS  147 


It  don't  always  take  two  to  have  a  quarrel,  a  man 
can  quarrel  with  himself,  and  nine  times  out  of 
ten  he  ought  to. 

Question.     The  quibbler  quirks  the  question. 
A  prudent  question  is  a  proof  of  wisdom. 

Quotation.     An  apt  quotation  is  always  short. 
How  glibly  the  devil  quotes  Scripture! 
Better  not  quote  than  misquote. 


E 

Rabid — rabies.     The  very  babes  bark  rabies. 

Men. 

Rage.     Let  rage  waste  itself  in  idle  fury. 
Rage  is  for  beasts,  not  men. 

Rain.     Let  it  rain,  we  are  water-proof. 
O  fickle  Fortune,  how  thy  favors  fall — 
Like  rain,  upon  the  just  and  the  unjust. 

Pauline. 

No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. 

Beyond. 

One  dumb,  lone  lark  sits  shivering  in  the  rain. 

0  let  me  Dream,  etc. 

It  if  rained  gold  coins  he  wouldn't  be  ready  to  catch 
them. 

If  it  rained  ducks  his  gun  wouldn't  be  ready. 

When  it  threatens  rain,  a  wise  man  takes  an  um- 
brella. 

The  rain  does  not  fall  "where  it  listeth,"  but  where 
the  law  of  gravitation  draws  it. 


148  LACONICS 


Ramparts.     Thet    gran'    ole    man,    brave    Brigham 

Young ! 

He  sweetly  thar  reposes: 
He  war  a  bigger  man  than  Homer  sung, 
An'  a  better  man  than  Moses. 
An'  when  they  sent  a  army  here — 
Thet    thar    ole    bump — Buchanan — 
He  found  in  that  brave  pioneer 
That  these  ram-parts  hed  a  man  on. 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 

Ramshackle.     In  thet  ole  ram-shackle 
Them  Mormons  called  'The  Tabernacle." 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow- Boy  Ballads. 

Rank.     Rank  goes  by  favor. 

"I  out-rank  you,"  said  the  skunk  to  the  badger. 

Rascal.     Nothing  so  much  resembles  an  honest  man 
as  a  shrewd  rascal. 

Rash — rashness.     Be  neither  rash  nor  timid. 

May  you  never  grow  old  till  the  end  of  Old  Time; 
May  you  never  be  cursed  with  an  itching  for  rhyme, 
For  in  spite  of  your  physic,  in  spite  of  your  plaster, 
The  rash  will  break  out  till  you  go  to  disaster. 

New    Years'  Address. 

Rattle.     Let  'im  rattle  his  little  tin  rattle, 

An'  root  on  his  little  tin  horn; 
He  hez  alus  rattled  an'  tooted,  yer  know, 
Sinse  the  day  that  he  war  born. 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads. 

Thet  jedge  is  jist  big  enough  ter  rattle  on  the  bench. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Reading.    It  is  worse  than  time  wasted  to  read  "yel- 
low novels." 


LACONICS  149 


Read  good  books  only  and  winnow  the  wheat  from 

the  chaff. 

Wise  men  there  be — wise  in  the  eyes  of  men — 
Who  cram  their  hollow  heads  with  ancient  wit 
Cackled  in  Carthage,  babbled  in  Babylon, 
Gabbled  in  Greece,  and  riddled  in  old  Rome, 
And  never  coin  a  farthing  of  their  own. 

Men. 
Ready.     The  wise  man  is  always  ready. 

Real.     We  chase  the  ideal  and  miss  the  real. 
The  Ideal  blazes  the  trail  for  the  Real. 

Reason.     Reason  is  the  light  of  man. 
Spice  reason  with  wit. 
Don't  mistake  your  will  for  your  reason, 
Don't  talk  reason  to  gabbling  geese. 
Reason  is  God's  best  gift  to  man. 
The  most  uncommon  thing  is  common  sense. 

Men. 

If  you  have  no  good  reason  for  doing  it,  don't  do  it. 

The  wise  are  taught  by  reason,  most  men  by  ex- 
perience; fools,  by  nothing. 

After  Cicero. 

Men  lift  their  foreheads  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  the  reign  of  Reason  is  begun. 
Fantastic  phantasms  fly  before  the  light — 
Pale,    gibbering   ghosts   and   ghouls   and   gobblin 

fears; 
Man  who  hath  walked  in  sleep — what  thousands 

years  ? 

Groping  among  the  shadow  of  the  night, 
Moon- struck  and  in  a  weird  somnambulism, 
Mumbling  some  cunning  can't  or  catechism, 


150  LACONICS 


Thrilled  by  the  electric  magic  of  the  skies — 
Sun-touched  by  Truth — awakes  and  rubs  his  eyes. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Let  reason  be  our  light,  the  only  light 
That  God  hath  given  unto  benighted  man 
Wherewith  to  get  a  glimpse  of  his  vast  plan, 
And  stars  of  hope  that  glimmer  on  our  night. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Yea,  superstition,  since  the  world  began, 
Hath  been  a  magic  wand  to  govern  man; 
For  men  were  beasts  and  brutal  fear  was  given 
To  chain  the  brute  till  Reason  came  from  heaven. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Reason  was  given  to  man  that  he  might  become  a 

god. 

Temper  all  things  with  reason. 
We  are  led  less  by  reason  than  by  custom. 

Rebuke.     The  rebuke  of  the  wise  is  better  than  the 

praise  of  a  fool. 
If  thy  friend  rebuke  thee,  thank  him. 

Reckon — reckoning.     He  reckons  without  reason. 
If  you  will  "flash,"  pay  the  reckoning. 

Recreation.     Unbend  the  bow,  or  else  the  bow  will 
break.  Pauline. 

A  time  for  work  and  a  time  for  play 
Will  make  a  man  healthy,  happy  and  gay. 
The  mind  needs  recreation  as  well  as  the  body. 

Redeem.     Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 
If  you  have  made  a  promise  redeem  it  if  it  takes 
your  under-shirt. 


LACONICS  151 


Reflection.     He  that  will  not  reflect  is  ruined. 
A  wise  man  reflects  before  he  speaks; 
A  fool  speaks  first  and  reflects  afterwards. 
Our  passions  are  reflected  in  our  faces. 

Reform.     I  sings  mein  leetel  song — Reform; 
Dot  shakes  der  goundry  like  a  sdorm; 
I  makes  die  peobles  all  pelief 
I  eats  mein  dinner  on  a  tief . 

C.  S.  (Ms.  ) 

If  you  would  reform  a  city,  start  in  on  the  dog- 
catcher. 

Loud-mouthed  ''Reformers"  are  always  hungry — 
for  office  or  notoriety. 

You  can't  reform  the  world  in  a  day  if  you  preach 
all  night. 

Regret.  I  regret  it,  I'm  orful  sorry,  but  ef  I  git  a 
chance,  I'll  du  the  same  gall  darn  thing  agin. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Hope,  ahead;  regret,  behind. 

Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 

Every  old  hat  is  full  of  regret. 

Life  is  too  short  for  regret, — go  ahead,  do  better. 

A  month  of  bliss,  a  year  of  hell: 

'Twere  better  if  we  had  not  met; 
But  only  weaklings  hug  regret, 

And  so  we  part, — and  it  is  well. 

Relax — relaxations.  Unbead  the  bow,  or  else  the 
bow  will  break. 

Religion.  "I  have  slight  touches  of  it  occasionally," 
said  a  deaf  and  rheumatic  old  lady,  when  the 
minister  asked  her  if  she  had  religion. 


152  LACONICS 


Every  people  make  their  own  religion  and  mate  it 

to  fit  their  condition. 
Don't  mistake  superstition  for  religion. 
The  true  religion  is  to  do  right  by  your  fellow-men. 

Remember — remembrance.     Remember  your  friends 

and  don't  forget  your  enemies. 
The  remembrance  of  one's  faults  and  follies  leads 

to  wisdom. 
Remembrance  of  one's  good  deeds  is  pleasant  to 

the    soul. 
Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  forget 

your   virtues. 

Remorse.     When  a  good  man  has  done  wrong,  remorse 

gnaws  him. 
The  bad  man  feels  remorse  when  he  is  caught. 

Repentance.     The  wolf  repents  that  he  failed  to  catch 

the  lamb. 
The  burglar  repents  because  he  blew  the  safe  open 

and  found  nothing. 
"Mother,"  said  Johnie  in  tears,  "I  repent."     "What 

have  you  done,  my  dear  boy?"  asked  the  mother. 
"Nuthin,"  said  Johnie,  "on'y  Bill  Butler  called  me 

a  liar  and  I  didn't  lick  'im." 
The  best  repentance  is  reparation. 
Of  what  good  is  repentance  without  reform  ? 

Report.     False  report  goes  by  fast  express ;  the  truth 

follows  on  a  freight  train. 
You   uncivil  cit — you  quote  B arbour's  Reports, 

That's  barbarous  indeed,  sir,  in  civilized  courts; 
And  "Common  Reports?"  why  you  know  they're 

all  lies,  sir, 
And  just  made  to  order  and  all  of  assize,  sir. 

Quips  and  Quirks. 


LACONICS  153 


Repose.     Repose  is  power. 

Republic.     It  takes  a  good  many  fools  to  make  a 

republic. 

A  republic  damns  her  best  men. 
Republics  breed  luxury  and  poverty,  and  end  in 

anarchy. 

Reputation.     Take  care  of  your  character  and  your 

reputation  will  take  care  of  itself. 
Your  reputation  is  what  men  say  of  you,  your 

character  is  what  you  are. 
Reputation  is  rarely  proportioned  to  merit. 
"He  hed  a  big  reputation,  cuz  he  blew  a  brass-band." 

Bronco  Bill. 

Resentment.     Resentment  is  right,  but  revenge  re- 
coils on  the  revenger. 
Revenge  is  the  weapon  of  the  weak. 
Secret  revenge  is  the  weapon  of  the  coward. 
The  big  man  is  above  revenge. 
Revenge  never  paid  ten  cents  on  the  dollar. 

Respect.     Respect  yourself  if  you  wish  the  respect 
of    others. 

Rest.     Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. 

Poetry. 

The  body  will  rest  if  the  mind  will  let  it. 
Only  dead  men  rest. 
I  have  little  time  to  rest  now;  I  have  an  eternity 

of  rest  before  me. 
In  rest  we  rust.  Poetry. 

Result.     Look  to  the  result. 

Revelation.     Without  our  reason  how  can  we  read 
Revelations  ? 


154  LACONICS 


A  new  fact  discovered  in  Nature  is  a  new  revela- 
tion. 

Revenge.     Revenge  is  dear  at  any  price, 

Revenge  is  a  much  more  punctual  pay-master  than 
gratitude. 

How  often  do  men  prefer  their  revenge  to  their  in- 
terests. 

He  who  punishes  for  revenge,  himself  commits  a 
crime. 

Revenge  is  the  mother  of  miseries. 

Fools  think  revenge  is  sweet:  it  is  the  bitterest  of 
all  bitters. 

Resentment  is  right,  but  revenge  recoils  upon  the 
revenger. 

Life  is  too  short  for  revenge,  and  eternity  too  long. 

Revolution.     Revolution  is  evolution. 

Revolution  defeated  is  treason;  successful,  patriot- 
ism. 

"Revolutions  never  go  backward,"  but  they  fre- 
quently end  in  disaster. 

Reward.     God  is  a  prompt   pay-master.     He  pays 

us  what  we  earn — good  or  evil. 
"Virtue    is    its    own    reward."?     Durn  pore  pay, 
Mister,  when  a  feller  is  out  at  the  toes,  an  jist 
about  froze,  an'  his  stumick  is  tumble  gnawin' 
an'  thin. 

Bronco  Bill. 
Rhetoric.     Truth  is  true  rhetoric. 

Wings  and  tailfeathers  and  a  loud  squawk  are  the 

rhetoric  of  a  "spread-eagle"  orator. 
Rheotric  is  reason  in  good  clothes. 

Riches.     To  leave  a  son  a  fortune  is,  nine  times  out 
of  ten,  to  leave  him  misfortune. 


LACONICS  155 


How  many  of  his  millions  did  Harriman  take  with 
him  to  invest  on  the  other  side? 

"Vat  for  you  vill  be  poor,  ven  zwei  glass  lager 
vill  maks  you  reech?" 

He  that  has  enough  is  as  rich  as  Rockefeller. 

The  rich  plunder  the  poor  and  the  poor  plunder 
the  rich. 

As  in  a  forest  tall  trees  overshadow  and  dwarf  the 
small  ones,  so  in  the  multitudes  of  men,  the  rich 
and  powerful  overshadow  and  dwarf  the  poor  and 
feeble. 

Would' st  thou  be  rich ?  The  earth  is  full  of  riches: 
dig. 

Rich  men  without  good  sense  are  but  sheep,  and 
everybody  is  ready  to  shear  them. 

Riches  are  a  heavy  burden,  but  most  men  are  anx- 
ious to  carry  it. 

It  is  madness  to  live  poor  to  die  rich. 

"Riches  take  wings  and  fly  away" — to  other  men. 

Ridicule.     Who  can  argue  against  a  horse-laugh? 

The  lance  of  chivalry  was  shivered  by  the  goose- 
quill  of  Cervantes. 

The  "Greeley  wave"  was  turned  into  soap-suds 
by  the  pencil  of  Thomas  Nast. 

Ridicule  is  more  often  effective  than  reason. 

Ridicule  is  a  weapon  that  only  shrewd  men  handle. 

Ridiculous.     "It  is  only  one  step  from  the  sublime 
to  the  ridiculous"  and  he  took  it  with  both  feet. 
Letter  of  Author,  St.  Paul  Globe,  1883. 

Right.     It  is  better  to  be  right  than  consistent. 
We  measure  right  by  the  hand  of  might. 

Ripe.     When  the  peach  is  ripe,  pluck  it. 
When  the  time  is  ripe  God  sends  the  man. 

Columbus. 


156  LACONICS 


Rise.     This  fellow  falls  from  grace  every  day  in  the 

week  but  one :  he  always  rises  again  on  Sunday. 
He  is  a  strong  man  who  can  rise  every  time  he  falls. 

Risk.     He  who  risks  nothing  will  win  but  little. 
If  you  bet  on  a  "sure  thing"  you  are  sure  to  lose. 
Don't  pull  the  trigger  till  you  are  sure  of  your  aim. 
If  you  are  "between  the  devil  and  the  deep  sea," 

take  the  risk  of  "standing  pat." 
He  who  has  nothing  to  lose  may  risk  all. 
Two  and  two  make  four :  there  is  little  risk  in  that. 

Road.     On  the  wrong  road  the  faster  you  run  the 
farther  you  fall  behind. 

Rogue.     No  honest  man  has  need  of  a  rogue. 

The  rogue  that  will  steal  for  you,  will  steal  from 
you. 

Romance.  Recipe  for  making  a  yellow  romance: 
I  teacup  full  of  honey,  2  ounces  of  gall-nuts,  1  pint 
of  vinegar,  1  tablespoonful  of  sweet  oil,  2  ounces 
of  Cheyenne  pepper,  2  quarts  of  moonshine,  one 
can  concentrated  lie  and  ten  green  cucumbers. 
Mix  well  and  stir  with  a  goose  quill. 

Rome.     In  Rome,  a  Roman;  in  Greece,  a  Greek;  in 
America — all  sorts,  from  a  Yankee  to  a  Hottentot. 

Room.     In  a  log-cabin  12  x  12  there  is  room  enough 
for  two  and  happiness. 

Rope.     He  is  knotting  a  rope  to  hang  himself. 
You  can't  hold  a  bull  with  a  "rope  of  sand." 
Loop  a  rope  for  your  enemy  and  put  your  own  foot 
in   it. 

Rouge.     Look  out  for  vice  in  rouge  and  a  red  petti- 
coat. 


LACONICS  157 


Rudder.     The  ship  without  a  rudder  is  bound  for  the 

rocks. 
Don't  sail  out  in  the  world  without  a  rudder. 

Ruin.     His  success  was  his  ruin. 

Rumor.     Rumors,  like  snow-balls,  gather  as  they  go. 
To-day,  a  mouse ;  to-morrow,  a  mule,  and  next  day 

a   mammoth. 

Trail  the  rumor  to  the  liar. 
Rumor  has  a  hundred  mouths,  a  thousand  tongues 

and  a  voice  like  a  brass-band. 

Rust.     Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent 
use; 
In  rest  they  rust.  Poetry. 

s 

Sacrifice.     He  would  sacrifice  his  mother-in-law  for 
^     the  sake  of  peace. 

Sage.     A  sage  is  the  son  of  ages. 

Sail.     Sail  boldly  when  the  wind  is  at  your  back; 
When  the  wind  is  in  your  face,  trim  sail  and  tack. 

Sailor.     More  sailors  are  shipwrecked  in  port  than 
on  the  sea. 

Salt.     Mix  a  little  salt  with  your  pepper. 
His  wit  lacks  salt. 
That's  good  to  keep — salt  it  down. 

Sarcasm.     Sarcasm  is  a  chasm  that  many  smart  men 

fall  into. 
"Sarcasm  I  now  see  to  be  in  general,  the  language 

of  the  devil."  Thomas  Carlyle. 

Who  has  written  more  sarcasm  than  Carlyle  ? 


158  LACONICS 


Satiety.     The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  selfsame  tune 

Forever,  and  the  fairest  flower  that  gems 

The  garden,  if  it  bloomed  throughout  the  year, 

Would  blush  unsought.     The  most  delicious  fruits 

Pall  on  the  palate  if  we  taste  too  oft, 

And  Hyblan  honey  turns  to  bitter  gall. 

Change. 

Satire.     Satire  is  all  right  on  a  satyr. 

Ridicule  and  satire  are  the  only  pins  that  will  prick 
through  the  hides  of  some  people. 

Sauce.     "Labor  is  the  best  sauce;"  it  makes  turnips 
taste  like  fried  oysters. 

Save.     The  alchemy  that  turns  everything  into  gold — 

save. 
A  single  nail  may  save  a  ship. 

Savings-bank.      It  is  like  a  mine;  it  is  easy  to  get 

your  money  in  but  often  hard  to  get  it  out. 
A  run  on  the  bank:  "I  wants  mein  monish,"  said 
the  Dutch  depositor — "Here  it  is,"  said  the  teller. 
"You  got  4m? — :Vel,  you  got  'im  I  no  want  'im — 
you  no  got  'im  I  wants  'im  right  avay  guick  al- 
ready." 

Scandal.     She  sugars  her  tea  with  gossip  and  peppers 
her  sauce  with  scandal. 

Science — scientist.     Science  is  the  knowledge  of  our 

ignorance. 

Behold,  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 
And  conquering  science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stubborn  Ignorance. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  159 


How  deep  have  our  greatest  scientists  gone  ?     They 

have  not  yet  penetrated  the  skin  of  the  earth. 
The  discovery  of  the  truth  is  the  aim  of  science. 

Scruples.     He  has  too  many  scrupples  to  his  dram. 

Sea.     He  goes  to   sea  in  a  gig  and  growls  at  the 

weather. 
If  you  will  swim  in  the  sea  look  out  for  the  sharks. 

Secret — Secrecy.     Pat:  "Biddy,  I've  a  great  sacret, 

an'  I'm  huntin'  for  a  woman  te  help  me  kape  it." 
Never  seek  to  know  your  friend's  secrets  and  never 

reveal  your  own. 

Secrets  are  bats — they  fly  in  the  night. 
Tell  your  secrets  to  a  woman  today  and  tomorrow 

they  will  be  in  the  newspapers. 
There  is  only  one  to  whom  you  can  safely  trust 

your  secrets — yourself. 
Keep  your  secret  in  the  ice-box  or  it  will  get  you 

into  hot  water. 
Wine  spills  secrets. 

Secure — security.     Reasonable  apprehension  is  safer 

than  too  confident  security. 
There  is  danger  in  too  much  security. 
Too-sure  is  never  secure. 
He  is  cock-sure:  take  security. 

Self.     He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 
He  worships  himself. 

Self-conceit.     He  who  is  full  of  himself  is  empty  of 

everything  else. 
He  admires  his  own  shadow. 

Self-conscious.     Self-conscious    like    an    old    cheese 
full   of   skippers. 


160  LACONICS 


Self -deception.     If  I  am  deceived  I  deceive  myself. 

Self-denial.     Self-denial  is  a  great  virtue — in  your 

neighbor. 
Self-denial  is  the  corner  stone  of  a  strong  character. 

Self-improvement.  He  who  is  satisfied  with  himself 
is  past  cure. 

Self-interest.     Self-interest  demands  cent  pro  cent. 
Our  interests  are  centered  in  ourselves. 
Self-interest  and  charity  are  compatible:  I  know 

men  who  give  liberally  to  charity  just  to  get  their 

names  in  the  newspapers. 

Selfishness.  We  hate  selfishness  in  others  because 
we  are  selfish  ourselves. 

Fathom  every  human  heart  and  you  will  find  selfish- 
ness at  the  bottom. 

Selfishness  is  self-protection,  and  self-protection 
is  the  first  law  of  nature. 

Self-knowledge.     He  knows  everybody  but  himself 
Study  yourself. 

Self-love.     Self-love  is  the  first  law  of  nature. 

Self-made.  "I  am  a  self-made  man!"  roared  a  mem- 
ber of  Congress. 

"That  fact  relieves  the  Almighty  of  a  great  responsi- 
bility," replied  his  opponent. 

Self-praise.     Self-praise  stinketh  in  the  mouth. 

The  man  praises  himself  because  nobody  else  will 
praise  him. 

Self-reliance — self-respect.     Self-respect   and   self-re- 
liance are  cardinal  virtues. 
If  you  can't  rely  on  yourself,  whom  can  you  rely  on  ? 


LACONICS  161 


If  you  don't  respect  yourself,  who  will  respect  you? 
Back-bone  is  the  best  bone  in  your  body. 
Help  yourself  and  God  and  men  will  help  you. 
Fortune  hates  I  Can't  and  loves  /  Will. 
Self-reliance  is  a  firm  footing  and  a  stout  staff. 

Self-will.  The  difference  between  self-reliance  and 
self-will  is  the  difference  between  a  wise  man  and 
a  jackass. 

Sense — sensible.  The  most  uncommon  thing  is 
common-sense. 

Men. 

A  pint  of  sense  is  worth  a  peck  of  learning. 
The  only  sensible  thing  he  ever  did  was  done  by 

mistake. 

Fill   the   basement   with    common-sense   and   the 
upper  floors  with  learning. 

Sensitive.     He  is  more  sensitive  than  sensible. 

Sensual.     Dust  to  Dust: 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost  ? 
Gaily  for  a  day  we  tread — 
Proudly  with  averted  head — 
O'er  the  ashes  of  the  dead — 
Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust: 
Dust  to  dust. 

Dust  to  Dust. 

Sermon.  The  most  effective  sermon  is  to  practice 
what  you  preach. 

Serpent.     Beware  of  the  serpent  that  charms  before 

he  strikes. 
The  serpent  in  ourselves  is  the  snake  that  stings  us. 

Servant — serve.  A  negligent  master,  a  negligent 
servant. 


162  LACONICS 


A  good  master,  a  good  servant. 

Wealth  may  be  the  servant  of  good  or  the  servant 

of   evil. 
Don't  depend  on  a  servant;  serve  yourself. 

Shadow.     When  the  sun  is  setting  the  shadows  point 

to  sunrise. 

Without  light  there  is  no  shadow. 
We  fight  for  the  shadow  of  things. 

Shaft.     He  bends  a  long  bow,  but  his  shaft  is  a  feather. 

Sharper.     When    sharpers    pluck   each    other   geese 
are  scarce. 

Sheep.     If  you  are  a  sheep  put  on  a  lion-skin ;  if  you 

are  a  lion  put  on  a  lamb-skin. 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Shepherd.     Trust   paves  the  way  for  treachery   to 

tread ; 

Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the  bread, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

He  is  a  good  shepherd  that  keeps  the  wolves  far 
from  his  sheep -pen. 

Ship.     An  empty  ship  is  least  able  to  breast  the  storm. 
Don't  ship  all  in  one  tub. 

Shoemaker.     "I  have  pegged  my  last,"  said  the  dying 

shoemaker. 

"You  have  lost  your  soul,"  said  the  priest  to  a 
scoffer."  Bring  'im  in  and  I'll  peg  on  another," 
said  the  cobbler. 


LACONICS  163 


Short-cut.  Most  men  find  the  short-cut  by  going 
around. 

Sift.     You  heard  the  speech:  sift  it — sift  it. 
Sift  out  the  cockle  and  save  the  wheat. 

In  vain  kings  piled  the  pyramids; 
Their  tombs  were  robbed  by  ruthless  hands: 
Who  now  shall  sing  their  fame  and  deeds, 
Or  sift  their  ashes  from  the  sands? 

Fame. 

Sight.  If  our  fore-sight  were  half  as  good  as  our  hind- 
sight we  wouldn't  miss  the  mark  so  often. 

Silence — silent.  It  is  easier  to  look  wise  than  to  talk 
wise. 

Silence  is  a  hard  argument  to  answer. 

Nobody  will  repeat  your  silence. 

A  silent  sage  is  like  a  bell  without  a  clapper. 

Beware  of  the  man  who  is  silent  when  he  is  angry. 

His  silence  spoke  louder  than  the  voice  of  a  mul- 
titude. 

Keep  your  mouth  shut.  A  dumb  fool  is  often 
taken  for  a  wise  man. 

Silk.     Vice  is  most  dangerous  in  silk  stockings. 
Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress 
He's  still  a  monkey  nevertheless. 

(From  the  Spanish.) 

Silver.     Fish  with  a  silver  hook. 

He  seeks  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  his  feet. 

Men. 
Flattery  is  silver-tongued. 


164  LACONICS 


Simplicity.     Simplicity  is  true  to  truth  and  nature. 
The  fool  and  the  wise  man  are  both  simple — one 
is  simple  and  the  other,  a  simpleton. 

Sin.    We  sin  and  blame  the  Devil  for  it. 

If  lightning  struck  everyone  who  sins,  there  wouldn't 

be  a  "two-legged  animal  without  feathers"  left 

on  this  earth. 
The  virus  of  sin  is  in  the  blood  of  all  men. 

When  we  sin  agin  natur  we  pay  the  price. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Single.     He  has  an  eye  single  to  the  main  chance. 

Skill — skillful.     Skill  rides;  strength  carries. 
Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unskilled  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre. 

Poetry. 

He  spoiled  at  last  a  skillful  laster. 
To  make  a  "drun"  poor  poetaster. 

Skin.     He  would  skin  a  skunk  fer  the  perfume. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Charity  is  skin-deep;  self  goes  to  the  bone. 
Skunk.     He  likes  perfume  that  kicks  a  skunk. 

Sky-lark.     She  wakened  the  woods  with  her  musical 

words, 

And  the  sky-lark  ashamed  of  his  voice  forbore. 
The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

The  silver  dawn  steals  in  upon  the  dark: 
Up  from  the  dewy  meadow  wheels  the  lark 
And  trills  his  welcome  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  another  day  of  labor  is  begun. 

Poetry. 


LACONICS  165 


Slander.     And  who  escapes  the  tongue  of  calumny 
May  count  himself  an  angel  or  a  naught. 

Poetry. 

Slander  is  a  Hyrda:  strike  off  one  of  its  heads  and 

two  will  grow  out  in  its  place. 
Slander  has  the  scent  of  a  hound,  the  eyes  of  a  cat 

and  the  tongue  of  a  serpent. 
If  you  fight  slander  take  it  by  the  throat. 
The  best  shield  against  slander  is  silence. 
Don't  blow  the  coals  of  slander  and  they  will  soon 

die  out. 

Slang.  Avoid  slang:  the  slang- whanger  is  never  a 
gentleman. 

Slavery.  If  we  are  slaves  what  matters  it  whether 
our  chains  be  of  iron  or  of  gold. 

All  men  are  slaves:  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  shining  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

We  are  still  slaves  to  custom  and  to  superstition. 

Sleep.  Die  sonne,  he  know  ven  he  petter  git  oop, 
mebbe ;  aber  Ich  bin  no  leetel  vorm  dot  poke  hees 
nose  ouet  to  pe  cotched  py  die  bird.  I  radder 
sleeb  a  leetel  bis  die  preakfast  pees  ready. 

Hans. 

Sloth.     Sloth  is  always  waiting  and  wishing. 

Sloth  is  always  waiting  for  something  to  "turn  up." 

Slow.     Go  slow  till  you  know. 

Sluggard.  The  sluggard  has  to  take  a  hundred  steps 
to-day  where  two  would  have  sufficed  yesterday. 


166  LACONICS 


The   diligent    says    "To-day;"    the    sluggard  says 
"To-morrow."' 

Small.     Don't  despise  small  things ;  a  flea  at  midnight 

is  worse  than  a  wolf  at  midday. 
Great  things  are  made  out  of  little  things. 

Smile.     A  smiler  is  often  a  beguiler. 

He  smiles  with  the  smilers  and  weeps  with  the 

weepers. 

He  smiles  on  one  side  and  frowns  on  the  other. 
He  smiles  to  your  face  and  bites  at  your  back. 
The  world  is  a  mirror:  smile  and  it  smiles;  frown 

and  it  frowns. 
A  frozen  smile  is  wus  ner  a  frown. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Smudge.     The  gnats  are  buzzing:  smudge! 

Sneak.     You  can  tell  a  coyote  by  his  sneak. 

I  kin  stand  a  "hold-up,"  but  a  sneak  thief  is  wus 
ner  a  cyote.  Bronco  Bill. 

Sneer.     Half-way  betwixt  a  snicker  and  a  sneer. 
Sneer-lipped,   hawk-eyed,   wolf-tongued  oraculars. 

Men. 

Socialism.     Socialism   is   despotism:   it   crushes   the 

individual. 
Let  socialism  prevail  and  the  dunce  and  the  wise 

are  on  a  dead  level;    • 
The  worker  and  the  sluggard  are  equal. 

Society.     Society  follows  the  bell-wether. 
Fashionable  society  is  made  up  of  toadies,  tattlers 
and  tomnoddies. 

Soil.     The  soil  that  grows  nettles  will  grow  com. 


LACONICS  167 

Soldiers.   Beheld  a  score  of  battle-fields  corpse-strewn, 
Blood-fertilled  with  ten  thousand  nattered  fools, 
Who,  but  to  please  the  vanity  of  one, 
Marched  on  hurrahing  to  the  doom  of  death. 

An  old  English  Oak. 

Lo  the  blood- spattered  bosom,  the  shot-shattered 

limb, 

The  hand-clutch  of  fear  as  the  vision  grows  dim, 
The  half-uttered  prayer  and  the  blood-fettered  breath , 
The  cold  marble  brow  and  the  calm  face  of  death. 

0  proud  were  these  forms  at  the  dawning  of  morn, 
When  they  sprang  to  the  call  of  the  shrill  bugle- 
horn: 

There  are  mothers  and  wives  that  await  them  afar; 
God  help  them!     Is  this  then  the  glory  of  war? 
The  Charge  of  'The  Black  Horse' 

He  is  a  brave  soldier — in  slippers  and  pajamas. 

Solitude.     He  who  is  alone  with  good  books  has  the 
best   of  company. 

1  love  solitude  with  a  few  choice  friends,  a  bottle  of 

"pop"  and  a  box  of  cigars. 

Something  to  say.     Don't  make  a  speech  unless  you 
have  something  to  say. 

Son.     The  son  at  twenty  knows  more  than  his  father 

at  fifty. 

The  best  thing  you  can  leave  to  your  son  is  a  strong 
body,  a  sane  mind  and  plenty  of  hard  work. 

Son  of  his  father.     He  follows  his  father  a  long  way 
behind. 

Sore.     Don't  prod  an  old  sore. 
Every  man  has  his  sore  spot. 


168  LACONICS 


Sorrow.     Sorrow  is  the  shadow  of  pleasure. 

Sorrows  are  mile-stones  on  the  road  to  wisdom. 

Soul.     What  is  the  soul  and  whither  will  it  fly? 
We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die, 
But  lives  and  lived  through  all  eternity, 
And  ever  turns  from  hoary  age  to  youth. 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below? 

Aye,  is  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 

From  night  to  light  on  angel  wings  to  range, 

And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go  ? 

Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Of  what  good  is  a  soul  without  a  body. 

Sound.     His  voice  sounds   like   a   steam  whistle  in 

a  megaphone. 
His  arguments  are  all  sound. 

Sour — sourest.     He  is  as  sour  as  a  pickled  crabapple. 
Her  sweetest  smile  would  sour  fresh  milk. 
The  sweetest  wine  makes  the  sourest  vinegar. 

Sow.     Sow  good  words  and  you  will  gather  friends. 
He  sows  good  seed  in  sterile  sand  and  trusts  in  God. 
Sow  cockle,  reap  cockle;  sow  wheat,  reap  wheat. 
One  sows,   another  reaps; 
And  still  another — tolls  the  grain. 
They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap  in  prosperity. 
It  is  easier  to  sow  than  to  reap.    (After  Goethe). 

Spare.     The  mother  who  has  ten  children  has  none 

to  spare. 

"Spareribs,"said  a  pert  miss  to  a  lean  old  maid. 
To  spare  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the  innocent. 

(After  Lord  Coke.) 


LACONICS  169 


Speak — speaker.     I'ts  a  wise  man  who  knows  when 

to  speak,  a  wiser  that  knows  when  to  stop. 
He  is  a  great  speaker,  he  can't  hold  his  tongue. 

Special — specialty.     Concentrate  all  your  energies  on 

one  special  line. 
Make  a  specialty  of  success. 
We  are  in  the  age  of  specialties:  choose  one  good 

line  and  follow  it  for  life. 
Some  men  take  special  pains  to  show  their  ignorance. 

Spectator.     The  spectator  often  sees  better  than  the 
actor. 

Speech.     What  goes  in  at  the  ear  comes  out  at  the 

mouth. 

A  soft  speech  may  have  a  subtile  poison. 
Speech  is  the  ripple  of  the  rivulet;  silence  is  the 

voice  of  the  deep. 
Clear  thought,  clear  speech. 

Spend.     Don't  spend  what  you  haven't  got. 
Spirits.     He  is  full  of  spirits — his  bottle  is  empty. 

Spots.     Spots  become  a  leopard. 
He  is  all  right — in  spots. 

Squander.     Eternity  will  not  give  back  the  hours  you 

squander. 

He  toils  all  his  life  to  pile  up  wealth  for  his  prodi- 
gals to   squander. 

Stale  eggs.     He  is  like  an  old  hen  trying  to  hatch 
stale  eggs. 

Stand.     You  cannot  stand  still,  you  must  go  up  or 

go  down. 
Take  your  stand  and  stand  by  it. 


170  LACONICS 


Star.     "Follow   thine    own   star."    Dante.     I   would 

but  I  can't  tell  my  star  from  a  jack-o-lantern. 
If  you  trust. in  your  star  you  will  sup  on  moonshine. 
The  stars  never  shine  clear  till  after  dark. 
Stars  of  hope  that  glimmer  on  our  night. 

Reign  of  Reason. 

The  stars  are  the  faces  of  our  fathers  looking  down 
from  their  hunting-grounds. 

(Saying  of  the  Dakotas.) 

Steal.     He  that  steals  for  you  will  steal  from  you. 

Steel.     When  steel  strikes  flint  then  flies  the  fire. 
Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 
In  rest  they  rust. 

Poetry. 

Step.     Step  by  step  men  walk  upward,  or  downward 

into  the  "Slough  of  Despond." 
Step  by  step  men  climb  the  highest  peaks. 
The  dead  past  offers  us  safe  stepping  stones. 
Precedents    are 
"Oft-stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong. 

Pauline. 

Stick.     Stick-to-it  will  do  it. 

Stoicism.     Your  bronze  statue  is  your  true  stoic. 
He  snatched  from  the  embers  a  red-hot  brand, 
And  held  it  aloft  in  his  naked  hands. 
He  stood  like  a  statue  in  bronze  or  stone; 
Not  a  muscle  moved  and  the  braves  looked  on. 

The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Stomach.     Jo  has  no  food  for  his  stomach,  and  John 

no  stomach  for  his  food. 
'Twar  a  wearisum  trail  afore  we  got  in, 


LACONICS  171 


An'  our  stumicks  got  tumble  gnawin'  an'  thin, 
Per  when  his  cayuse  went  down  like  a  goose. 
Pore  Teddy  he  busted  our  "jim-john"  uf  gin. 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads. 

Stop.     Few  men  know  when  to  begin  or  when  to  stop. 

Storm.     A  storm  is  better  than  a  dead  calm. 
In  a  storm  the  tallest  trees  fall  first. 
Turn  your  back  to  the  storm. 

Stout.     Stout  legs  to  a  steep  hill. 
Strong  arm  and  stout  heart. 

Strength.     Brains  are  stronger  than  brawn. 
A  woman's  strength  lies  in  her  weakness. 
There  is  strength  in  "I  will." 
Let  not  your  strength  become  your  weakness. 
Few  men  are  strong  enough  to  lift  themselves  by 
their  own  boot-straps. 

Strut.     In  his  own  conscious  insignificance  he  struts. 
He  struts  and  gabbles  like  a  turkey-cock  in  a  hen- 
yard. 

Study.     Man's  blood    and  brawn  demand  a  change 

of  food; 

His  mind  as  well.  Change. 

The  blush  of  sunrise  found  me  at  my  books; 
The  mid-night  cock-crow  caught  me  reading  still; 
And  oft  my  worthy  master  censured  me; 
"A  time  for  work,"  he  said,  "a  time  for  play; 
Unbend  the  bow  or  else  the  bow  will  break." 

Pauline. 

Learn  to  study  and  study  to  learn. 
Study  what  you  read — think. 

Stumble.     He  stumbles  at  a  straw. 


172  LACONICS 


Style.     There  can   be   no   clear   expression  without 

clear  thoughts. 

Truth  is  the  touchstone  of   all  genius.     Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor,  is  the  same; 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. 

Poetry. 
Thought  is  the  body,  style  the  dress. 

Sublime.  It  is  but  one  step  from  the  sublime  to  the 
ridiculous  and  the  gentleman  took  it  with  both 
feet. 

Author's  letter:  St.  Paul  Globe,  1883. 

Submission.     All  my  prayers  are  one: 
"Father,  thy  will  be  done." 

Subtlety.     Subtlety  deceives  itself. 

Success.     Success  is  often  the  worst  of  failures. 
Deserve  success  and  then  command  it. 
We  estimate  men  by  their  success,  not  by  their 

virtues. 
Prudence,  patience,  perseverance;  these  command 

success. 

When,  where  and  how?     Let  this  be  your  study. 
Everybody  is  a  friend  of  success. 
Success  makes  treason  patriotism. 
The  man  who  sits  down  on  the  road  to  success  and 

waits  for  a  free  ride  will  get  left. 
One  success  is  a  step  toward  another. 
Remember  your  failures  are  your  stepping-stones 

to  success. 
His  success  was  his  ruin. 

Sucker.     Suckers  are  plenty  in  any  pond. 
Suffering.     He  who  suffers  learns  to  pity. 


LACONICS  173 


Sugar.     Put  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 
Sugar  on  the  tongue,  money  in  the  till. 

Suicide.     The  suicide  is  either  a  coward  or  a  madman. 

Sun.     Midge-midgets  on  this  grain  of  sand 
That  rolls  around  our  lesser  sun 
Where  myriad  suns  obey  His  hand. 

A  Message  &c. 

The  sun  is  the  electric  light-and-power-plant  of  our 

solar  system. 
Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  often  under  a  cloud. 

Sunday.     He  prays  on  his  knees,  sir,  on  Sunday, 
And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 

Superstition.     Superstition  is  the  religion  of  ignorance. 
Old  Superstition,  mother  of  cruel  creeds, 
O'er  all  the  earth  hath  sown  her  dragon  teeth: 
Lo  centuries  on  centuries  the  seeds 
Grew  rank  and  from  them  all  the  haggard  breeds 
Of  Hate  and  Fear  and  Hell  and  cruel  Death. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Ah,  ignorance  and  fear  go  hand  in  hand, 
Twin-born  and  broadcast  scatter  hate  and  thorns; 
They  people  earth  with  ghosts  and  hell  with  horns, 
And  sear  the  eyes  of  truth  with  burning  brand. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

But  superstition  is  a  monster  still, 
An  Hydra  we  may  scotch,  but  hardly  kill; 
For  if  with  sword  of  truth  we  lop  a  head, 
How  soon  another  groweth  in  its  stead ! 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Men  have  been  learning  error  age  on  age, 
And  superstition  is  their  heritage, 


174  LACONICS 


Bequeathed  from  age  to  age  and  sire  to  son 
Since  the  dim  history  of  the  world  begun. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 

Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  discern 

The  truth  that  preaches  from  the  silent  stones, 

The  silent  hills,  the  silent  universe, 

While  error  cries  in  sanctimonious  tones 

That  all  the  light  of  life  and  God  is  hers! 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

But  still  'twere  wrong  to  speak  but  in  abuse, 
For  priests  and  popes  have  had  and  have  their  use. 
Yea,  Superstition  since  the  world  began 
Hath  been  a  magic  wand  to  govern  man: 
For  men  were  beasts  and  brutal  fear  was  given 
To  chain  the  brute  till  Reason  came  from  heaven. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Superstructure.     The  builder  who  builds  the  super- 
structure is  as  worthy  as  he  who  lays  the  founda- 
tion. 
Don't  try  to  build  the  top  story  first. 

Sure-cure.     The  sure-cure  for  most  ills  is  work. 
The  state  is  sick  and  every  fool  a  quack 
Running  with  pills  and  plasters  and  sure-cures, 
And  every  pill  and  package  labelled  Ism. 

Men. 

Sure.     The  slow  and  sure  overtake  the  swift. 
The  sure  road  is  the  short  cut. 
Be  sure  of  your  aim  before  you  pull  the  trigger. 
He  is  one  of  those  cock-sure  fellows  whose  cock- 
lofts need  tenants. 


LACONICS  175 


Surface.     Chaff  and  straws  swim  on  the  surface,  the 

wheat  is  at  the  bottom. 
The  froth  is  on  top,  the  beer  at  the  bottom. 

Suspicion.  When  suspicion  creeps  in  at  the  back 
door,  Confidence  walks  out  at  the  front. 

A  woman  who  is  prone  to  suspicion  is  rarely  virtuous. 

When  men  speak  ill  of  us  we  should  suspect  our- 
selves, when  they  praise  us  we  should  suspect 
them. 

Suspicion  will  pierce  even  the  triple  mail  of  wisdom. 

Swallow.  "One  swallow  doesn't  make  summer?" — 
that  depends  on  the  liquor. 

Sweet. — sweetest.     He  deserves  not  the  sweet  who 

will  not  sweat  for  it. 

The  sweetest  wine  makes  the  sourest  vinegar. 
Without  a  taste  of  the  bitter  we  have  little  relish 

for  the  sweet. 

Sword.     Yea,  into  plow-shares  may  these  brothers 

beat 

Their  swords  and  into  prunning-hooks  their  spears. 
After  the  Battle  of  Gettysburg. 

They  first  took  the  sword  and  they  fall  by  the  sword. 

The  Old  Flag. 

Sympathy.     Sympathy  divides  sorrow. 

Symptoms.  In  morals  as  in  medicine,  we  doctor  the 
symptoms. 


Tact.     Talents  for  a  team  and  tact  for  a  driver. 
Tact  teaches  when  to  talk,  what  to  say  and  when 

to  be  silent. 
Tact  and  talent  make  a  strong  team. 


176  LACONICS 


Tail.     An  old  watch-dog,  and  "thereby  hangs  a"  tail. 
Don't  be  the  tail  of  any  kite. 
If  you  can't  be  at  the  head  don't  be  at  the  tail. 

Talent.     Men    lack   purpose    and    persistance    more 

than   talent. 

Tact  and  talent  make  a  strong  team. 
You  can't  hide  your  lack  of  talent' 'under  a  bushel." 
One  has  a  talent  for  poetry  another  for  mending 

shoes,  and  as  a  rule,  both  are  cobblers. 

Talk — talker.     A  fool  cuts  his  throat  with  his  tongue. 
A  long  tongue  rattles  in  an  empty  head. 
There  is  no  music  so  sweet  to  an  ass  as  his  own  bray. 
He  talks  all  day  and  says  nothing. 
Talk-up,  "chalk  up." 
He  who  talks  too  much  hears  little. 
Who  talks  much  says  little. 
Do-much  talks  little. 

Tantalize.     She  would  tantalize  Tantalus. 

Taste.  "There  is  good  'taste'  for  you,  Seward,"  said 
Lincoln,  as  they  passed  an  old  "darkey"  munch- 
ing a  water-mellon. 

He  has  a  very  refined  taste — for  clabber  and  garlic. 

"Jedermann  hat  sein  geschmack,"  said  the  German. 

"An'  ivery  gur-rl  in  Ireland  hez  her  smock,  too," 
said  Pat. 

Tattle — tattler.     Who  tattles  to  you  will  tattle  about 

you. 

Tell  it  to  a  woman? — Go  publish  it  in  the  Town 
Tattler. 

Taxes.     Let  vices  and  luxuries  pay  the  taxes. 

The  "single-tax"  advocate  is  a  man  of  a  single  idea. 


LACONICS  177 


Monarchies  tax  the  poor  to  support  the  rich ;  repub- 
lics tax  the  rich  to  support  the  poor. 

Protection  shears  our  sheep ;  free-trade  skins  them. 

"They  tuck  a  dram  an'  sung  a  sam. 

Then  Uncle  Grover  smiled  an'  said: 
The  turiff  is  a  tax,  sir; 

Thet  tax  on  sugar,  Gunnel  Ted, 
Is  a  burden  on  our  backs,  sir." 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads. 

The  politicians  "grind  their  axes,"  on  the  taxes. 

Teaching.     He   who   teaches   himself   has   the   best 

teacher. 
Training  is  the  best  teaching. 

Tears.     A  woman's  weapon  is  her  tears. 

With  her  tears  she  vanquished  a  whole  brigade. 
"What  would  women  do  if  they  could  not  cry?" 
Jerrold.     Answer — They  would  have  to  let  the 
water  out  some  other  way. 

Teeth.     We  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of 

flattery. 
"O  them  teeth  an'  thet  gorilla  grin !"     Bronco  BUI. 

Temper.     Cultivate  good  temper;  it  is  like  dew  and 

sunshine  in  your  garden. 
Brave  men  are  good  tempered. 
Rule  your  temper  or  it  will  rule  you. 

Temptation.     Where  there  is  no  temptation  there  is 

no   virtue. 
Turn  your  back  on  temptation  and  it  will  tug  at 

your  coat-tail. 
A  strong  man  laughs  at  temptation. 

"Tenderfoot."     "Don't  kick  against  the  pricks?"  let 

some  other  "tender-foot"  try  it. 
He's  a  "tender-foot"  from  Texas. 


178  LACONICS 


Thanks.     Thanks  are  good,   but  they  won't  make 

hens  lay  eggs. 

"Thank  yer,"  '11  du  fer  lunch  but  it's  a  durn  slim 
dinner.  Bronco  Bill. 

Theories.     It  is  easier  to  plan  than  perform. 

Test  theory  by  practise.  , 

A  theoretical  fact  is  often  mere  illusion. 

He  who  follows  theories  will  often  bump  his  head 

against  solid  facts. 

Theories  lead  to  tests  and  tests  lead  to  truth. 
What  theory  proves,  experience  often  disproves, 
"He's  a  theoritical  cuss; — he's    goin'  tu  the  moon 

in  a  balloon." 

Bronco  Bill. 

They  say.     "They-say"  is  a  gabbler. 
They-say  is  her-say. 

"On  dit,"   said  Johnnie    Carpaud:   "She-bleat"— 
said  Bronco  Bill. 

Thief.     A  little  thief  goes  to  prison,  a  big  thief  goes 

to   Congress. 
He  that  steals  for  you  will  steal  from  you. 

Think.     Think  twice  before  you  speak  and  thrice 

before  you  write. 
Think  and  read  and  read  and  think. 

Thinker.     "God  let  loose  a  thinker  on  this  planet," 

when  Shakespeare  was  born. 
Let  the  thinker  guide  the  toiler. 
A  man  without  a  "thinker"  wouldn't  make  a  decent 

tinker. 

Thorns.     Don't  tread  on  thorns  barefoot. 
If  you  handle  thorns  put  on  gloves. 
Wisdom  grows  on  thorns. 


LACONICS  179 


Thought.     You  may  read  all  your  life  and  never  learn 

anything  unless  you  learn  to  think. 
Our  thoughts  may  be  good  yet  produce  no  fruit. 
"I  thought  so"  is  often  mistaken. 
"Things  breed  thoughts" — (Tupper) — and  Thoughts 
breed   things. 

Thorough.     Whatever  you  do — do  thoroughly. 
Whatever  is  worth  doing  is  worth  doing  well. 
Don't  stop  half-way:  work  to  the  end. 

Threat.     He  who  threatens  his  enemy  puts  him  on 

his  guard. 

Bite  first  and  bark  afterwards. 
The  thunder  threatens,  but  the  lightening  strikes. 
It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 
But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. 

War  with  Japan. 

Don't  threaten  before  you  strike. 

Thrift.     He's  a  thrifty  "cuss;"  he'll  live  on  sams  and 
steal  the  pennies  off  the  eyes  of  his  dead  grand- 
mother. Bronco  Bill. 
Thrift  beats  swift. 

Tickle.     Thet  thar  perlitical  "bunco-steerer"  jist  fills 
me  full  uf  tickle. 

Bronco  Bill. 
Tickle  me  now  and  I'll  tickle  you  tomorrow. 

Tide.     When  the  tide  comes  in,  come  in  on  it. 
When  the  tide  goes  out,  look  out. 

Tiger.     Pull  his  teeth  and  clip  his  claws  and  the  tiger 

mews  as  meek  as  a  kitten. 
Don't  "buck  the  tiger"  onless  yer  a  lion. 

Bronco  Bill. 


180  LACONICS 


Time.     Take  time  by  the  coat-collar;  he  has  no  coat- 
tail. 

Time  never  was  and  never  will  be ;  it  is  always  now. 
The  sands  of  time  are  sands  of  gold. 
Time  is  the  teacher  of  teachers. 
When  it  is  time  to  strike,  strike  hard. 
I  am  tethered  to  one  point  in  Time. 

To-day,  tomorrow,  yesterday  are  one — 

One  in  the  cycle  of  eternal  time 

That  hath  beginning  none,  nor  any  end. 

Men. 

How  time  gits  away  with  our  har,  ole  Jo! 
Jist  think  uf  it — 'twent — thutty  years  ago  . 

Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads. 

You  can't  "kill  time;"  you  can  waste  it. 
Time  starts  nowhere,  stops  nowhere,  and  runs  for- 
ever at  the  same  pace. 

The  crutch  of  Time  is  swifter  than  the  feet  of  men. 
He  spends  his  time  whining  that  he  hasn't  time. 
Time  is  a  great  teacher. 

Here  is  wit  and  wine  and  rhyme: — 
Let  us  have  a  glorious  time, 
While  the  death-bells  clang  and  chime 
To  the  ghostly  pantomime. 

The  observer  who  studies  in  the  school  of  Time 
learns  much. 

"Times."     He  is  peevish  who  praises  by-gone  times 

and  sees  no  good  in  our  own. 
Keep  up  with  the  "times";  don't  lag  behind  like 

a    lubber. 
"Many  times  and  oft"  Nature  gives  her  warning. 

Titles.     Vanity  parts  his  name  in  the  middle  and  puts 
a  handle  on  the  front  end. 


LACONICS  181 


She  sells  herself  and  her  fortune  for  a  title  and  a 

puppy. 
Titles    earned    are    honors.     Titles    inherited    are 

often  a  reproach  to  the  forefathers. 
If  you  haven't  earned  a  title  don't  wear  it. 

Toad.     Better  be  a  big  toad  in  a  little  puddle  than  a 

little  toad  in  a  big  puddle. 
He  isn't  a  toad,  but  he  is  a  toady. 

Toady.     He  wears  a  polliwog  coat  and  toadies  to  the 

'Tour   Hundred." 
I  would  rather  sit  in  the  smoke  of  my  own  cabin 

than  be  a  toady  in  the  palace  of  a  King. 
When  you  are  going  uphill  Toady  is  ready  to  boost, 

when  you  are  going  down  Toady  will  give  you  a 

kick. 

Tobacco.     Tobacco  is  a  great  blessing;  it  kills  cow- 
lice,  an'  ether  vermin. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Tobacco  kills  chicken-lice  and  a  lot  of  "two-legged 
animals  without  feathers." 

Tobacco  kills  more  men  than  whiskey. 

Tobacco  is  good  for  the  "blues,"  but  the  remedy  is 
worse  than  the  disease. 

The  tobacco  habit  is  best  cured  by  never  beginning 
it. 

Tobacco — the  Devil  planted  tobacco. 

No  gentleman  chews  tobacco. 

Alas,  when  Columbus  discovered  America  he  dis- 
covered tobacco. 

To-day.     Ten  minutes  to-day  are  worth  an  hour  to- 
morrow. 
Do   it   to-day. 


182  LACONICS 


We  lose  to-day  waiting  for  to-morrow. 

The  diligent  says,  "To-day;"  the  sluggard  says, 
"To-morrow." 

To-day  is  a  decimal  point  between  nothing  and 
naught. 

Better  a  dollar  to-day  than  a  promise  of  two  to- 
morrow. 

Toil — toiler.     A  goodly  recompense 

Comes  from  hard  toil,  but  not  from  its  abuse. 

Poetry. 

Labor  is  the  lot  of  mortal  man, 
Ordained  by  God  since  human  time  began. 

Poetry. 

They  toil  most  who  do  nothing. 
Let  the  thinker  guide  the  toiler. 
Ah,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. 

Poetry. 

Tolerance.  I'm  tolerbly  tolerant,  but  I  cain't  stan' 
tu  hev  a  man  kick  the  seat  uf  my  pants. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Tolerance  is  a  gret  virtue  in  t'other  feller. 

Bronco  Bill. 

To-morrow.  To-morrow;  to-morrow  is  the  song  of 
the  idle.  (After  Weisse.) 

"To-morrow  I  made  my  fortune,"  cries  the  fool, 
"To-day  I'll  spend  it." 

Men. 

One  hour  to-day  is  worth  a  week  to-morrow. 
To-morrow? — but  to-morrow  never   comes, — it  al- 
ways is  to-day. 

Tongue.  There  are  many  men  who  might  govern 
multitudes  if  they  could  only  govern  their  own 
tongues. 


LACONICS  183 


You  can't  control  the  tongue  of  others,  but  you  can 
do  better — you  can  control  your  own. 

If  you  can't  hold  your  temper,  hold  your  tongue. 

Many  a  man  has  cut  his  throat  with  his  tongue. 

Put  a  bridle  on  your  tongue,  or  it  will  put  a  halter 
on  you. 

The  sting  of  an  evil  tongue  is  worse  than  the  sting 
of  a  scorpion. 

Your  tongue  runs  away  with  your  wit. 

The  tongue  is  only  an  index. 

Tools.     The    man    who    drops    his    tools  where  he 

uses  them  is  the  poorest  tool  on  the  ranch. 
Language  is  only  a  tool. 

Top.     It  is  hard  to  get  to  the  top ;  you  can  slide  to  the 

bottom. 

Don't  try  to  build  the  top-story  first. 
It  is  better  to  begin  at  the  bottom  and  work  up 

than  to  begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
It  is  easier  to  get  on  top  than  it  is  to  stay  there. 
If  it  were  as  easy  to  slide  up-hill  as  it  is  to  slide 

down,  we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Trade.  Let  the  cobbler  stick  to  his  last,  the  farmer 
to  his  plow,  the  preacher  to  his  pulpit,  the  doc- 
tor to  his  pills,  and  the  devil  to  all  of  us. 

Buy  of  the  needy  and  sell  to  the  rich. 

Don't  trade  horses  with  a  preacher. 

Religion  is  the  hypocrite's  stock  in  trade. 

Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 

Than  unlearned  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre. 

Poetry. 

Trade  the  ole  hoss  fer  a  young  'un,  an'  git  suthin' 
ter  boot. 

Bronco  Bill. 


184  LACONICS 


Don't  trade  your  honor  for  office. 
A  Indiana  circuit  rider  kin  beat  a  "posy  country 
long-legs"  on  a  hoss-trade."         Bronco  Bill. 

Tragedy.     He's  a  great  actor;  he  tears  a  tragedy  into 

tatters. 
Tragedy?— The  world  is  full  of  it. 

Training.     Training  is  the  best  teacher. 

Trap.     He  sets  a  trap  for  others  and  puts  his  own 

foot  in  it. 

You  can't  fool  a  fox  twice  into  the  same  trap. 
Don't  try  to  trap  a  fox  with  turnips. 

Travel — traveller.     Travel   your   own    country   first. 
If  you  would  gain  knowledge  by  traveling,  study 

the  country  and  the  people  as  you  go. 
Travelers  find  many  hotels  and  few  friends. 
He's  a  traveler — he  went  frum  Punk  tu  Podunk 
an'  kim  hum  agin.  Bronco  BUI. 

Treachery.     Of  all  the  vices  of  human  nature  treach- 
ery is  the  worst. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  Treachery  to  tread; 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the  bread, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherd  of  the  sheep. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Tree.     Wisdom  plants  trees.     Folly  hacks  them  with 

his  little  hatchet. 

He  that  plants  trees  for  the  future  is  a  patriot. 
Don't  transplant  an  old  tree. 
A  family-tree — ape  to  Adam — Adam  to  ape. 

Trial.     Paul,  O  Paul,  forgive  and  be  forgiven; 
Earth  is  all  trial;  there  is  peace  in  heaven. 

Pauline. 


LACONICS  185 


It  is  a  weak  virtue  that  cannot  stand  the  test  of 

trial. 

Trial  is  the  test  of  all  things. 
Try  men  before  you  trust  them. 

Tribute.     We  all  pay  tribute  to  success. 

"Pay  unto  Caesar  that  which  is  Caesar's."  Yes, 
but  Caesar  has  been  dead  two  thousand  years 
and  the  debt  is  out-la  wed. 

Trickster.     The  trickster  tricks  himself. 

Trifles.     There  are  no  trifles  in  this  world. 
Two  atoms  of  cosmic  dust  unite,  cohere, 
And  lo  the  building  of  a  world  begun. 

Change. 

Life  is  made  up  of  trifles ;  take  heed  to  the  trifles. 
When  a  hound  is  after  a  stag  he  don't  stop  to  bite 

fleas. 

Trifles  and  rifles  won  the  day  at  Waterloo. 
We  are  all  trifles. 
We  trifle  with  Time  but  Time  don't  trifle  with  us. 

Triumph.     Through  love  and  labor,  triumph. 

We  proclaim  our  triumphs  and  hide  our  mistakes. 

Work  and  wait: 
Ne'er  despair  and  ne'er  abate; 
Work  will  triumph  soon  or  late: 

Work  and  wait. 

He  sings  his  triumph  before  the  battle  begins. 

Trouble.     Boil  and  bubble,  bubble  and  boil — 
Toil  and  trouble,  trouble  and  toil. 
The  troubles  that  never  come  worry  us  most. 
It  is  easy  to  double  your  trouble. 
He  who  has  no  trouble  of  his  own  will  borrow  some. 


186  LACONICS 


Troubles    are    stumbling-blocks  to  the  weak  and 

stepping-stones  to  the  strong. 
Don't  trouble  trouble  till  trouble  troubles  you. 

Trout.     Better  one  trout  on  the  hook  than  ten  in  the 
brook. 

True.     Behold  the  brute's  unerring  instinct  guides 
True  as  the  pole-star. 

Men. 

And  yet  and  yet — can  I  forget 
That  one  was  false  and  one  was  true  ? 
Although   true,    be   cautious   about   stating  what 

appears  to  be  false. 
Ivery  cratur  is  true  tu  natur. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Trust.     He  who  trusts  everybody,  will  cheat  himself. 
Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to  tread. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  greatest  trust  in  America  is  the  U.  S.  govern- 
ment. 

Trust  nothing;  try  everything. 

"We  trust  the  people"  says  the  man  who  sells  on 
the    "installment    plan." 

"But  I  don't  trust  you,"  say  the  prudent  people. 

Trust  and  "bust." 

Trust  in  Providence  but  push  the  work. 

Trust  Providence,  but  look  to  your  collaterals. 

Trust  is  a  dear  shop  to  trade  at. 

Trust  yourself  and  others  will  trust  you.  " 

(After  Goethe). 

"Trust  in  Providence,"  said  the  Preacher,  "Ikindu 
better  in  Boston,"  said  the  deaf  old  lady. 

Truth.     Truth  is  the  daughter  of  time  and  the  mother 
of  science. 


LACONICS  187 


To  him  fiction  is  a  familiar  friend,  and  truth  a 

stranger. 

Beware  of  the  truth  that  covers  a  lie. 
O,  timid  Truth,  that  quails  before  the  fire, 
Thy  face  assumes  the  likeness  of  a  liar. 
Between  true  friends  truth — nothing  but  truth. 
One  truth  fits  all  other  truths;  a  lie  fits  nothing. 
The  naked  truth  needs  no  cloak. 
If  it  is  the  truth  what  matter  who  says  it. 
Truth  always  has  the  ring  of  the  true  metal. 
Truth  can  go  naked;  falsehood  needs  fine  clothes. 

There  is  no  religion  higher  than  the  truth ; 
Men  make  the  creeds,  but  God  ordains  the  law. 
Above  all  cant,  all  arguments  of  men, 
Above  all  superstitions,  old  or  new, 
Above  all  creeds  of  every  age  and  clime, 
Stands  the  eternal  Truth — the  creed  of  creeds. 

Men. 

Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 
And  stubborn  science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stolid  Ignorance. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Truth,  like  a  diamond,  ever  loves  the  light. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

God's  right  arm  of  Truth  prevails  in  every  field. 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 

Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  discern 

The  truth  that  preaches  from  the  silent  stones, 

The  silent  hills,  the  silent  universe, 

While  error  cries  in  sanctimonious  tones 

That  all  the  light  of  life  and  God  is  hers. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


188  LACONICS 


Man  who  hath  walked  in  sleep — what  thousands 

years  ? 

Groping  among  the  shadows  of  the  night, 
Moon-struck  and  in  a  weird  somnambulism, 
Mumbling  some  cunning  cant  or  catechism, 
Thrilled  by  the  electric  magic  of  the  skies — 
Sun-touched  by  Truth,  awakes  and  rubs  his  eyes. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

'Tis  easier  to  believe 
An  old-time  fiction  than  to  wear  a  tooth 
In  gnawing  bones  to  reach  the  marrow  Truth. 
The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

When  wine  goes  in  teetotal  truth  comes  out. 

Let  virtue  be  our  helmet  and  our  shield, 

And  Truth  our  weapon,  weapon  sharp  and  strong, 

And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

Truth  crushed  tu  arth  '11  git  upon  her  hind  legs  an' 
howl  like  a  hyena. 

Bronco  Bill. 

The  plainest  truths  are  the  prettiest. 
Truth  never  grows  old,  but  a  lie  soon  loses  its  teeth. 
Let  truth  be  your  weapon  and  virtue  your  shield. 
There  is  gold  in  all  metals  and  truth  in  all  creeds. 
Truth  can  afford  to  go  naked;  falsehood  needs  fine 

clothes. 
Don't  try  to  warp  the  truth  to  fit  you;  fit  yourself 

to  the  truth. 

In  all  things  truth  is  the  climax. 
Truth  and  good  are  one. 
One  truth  will  fit  in  with  any  other  truth;  no  lie 

will  fit  another  lie. 
If  you  have  a  mouth  full  of  truth,  think  twice  before 

you  open  it. 


LACONICS  189 


Truth  is  the  primeval  element — it  will  stand  hell- 
fire. 

You  can't  help  truth  with  a  lie. 

It  is  the  truth  that  hurts. 

Truth  needs  no  armor  but  her  naked  breast. 

Truth  is  due  to  the  living  and  the  dead. 

Truth  needs  no  ornament ;  she  herself  is  a  diamond. 

Truth  like  the  sun  is  sometimes  under  a  cloud. 

To  detect  error  start  with  the  truth. 

In  most  falsehoods  there  are  grains  of  truth. 

If  you  want  to  get  the  truth  to  the  people  go  to  the 
newspapers  and  pay  for  it. 

Try.     If  one  door  is  shut  try  another. 

If  one  fish  won't  take  the  bait  another  will. 

Turkey-cock.     He  struts  and  gobbles  like  a  turkey- 
cock  in  a  hen-yard. 

Tryanny.  The  olden  precedents, 

Oft  stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong. 

Pauline. 

Tyranny  is  tryanny  whether  in  one  man  or  a  mob. 
Tyrant.    A  tryant  is  always  a  coward. 


u 

Understand.     It  is  folly  to  approve  what  you  do  not 
understand. 

Unexpected.     Prepare  for  the  unexpected. 
Union.     All  for  each — each  for  all. 

Unit.     Moments  are  the  units  of  eternity. 
Atoms  are  the  units  of  the  universe. 


190  LACONICS 


In  the  vast  universe  man  is  but  an  infinitesimal 

unit. 

It  takes  two  to  make  one. 
It  takes  more  than  a  million  decimals  to  make  one 

unit. 

Unity.     Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  His; 
Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  He; 
One  mighty  heart  throbs  in  the  earth  and  sea, 
In  every  star  through  heaven's  immensity, 
And  God  in  all  things  breathes,  in  all  things  is. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Universe.     Hope  and  trust: 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah,  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan; 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just: 
Hope  and  trust. 

Hope  and  trust: 

Hope  will  blossom  from  the  dust; 
Love  is  queen;  God's  throne  is  hers; 
His  great  heart  with  loving  force 
Throbs  throughout  the  Universe : 
We  are  His  and  He  is  just : 

Hope  and  trust.  Dust  to  Dust. 

Measure  the  ocean  in  a  drinking  cup? 
Measure  Eternity  by  the  town-clock? 
Nay,  with  a  yard-stick  measure  the  Universe  ? 
Measure  for  measure,  measure  God  by  man  ? 

Men. 

God's  perfect  order  rules  the  vast  expanse, 
And  love  is  queen  and  all  the  realms  are  hers ; 
But  strike  one  sun-star  from  the  Universe 


LACONICS  191 


And  all  is  chaos  and  unbridled  chance. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand — 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  world's  lie  in  God's  hand — 
Yea,  myriad  millions — what  are  we? 

Fame. 

Star  on  star, 

System  on  system,  myriad  worlds  on  worlds, 
Beyond  the  utmost  reach  or  mortal  ken, 
Beyond  the  utmost  flight  of  mortal  dream. 

Beyond. 

What  you  know  is  a  grain  of  sand;  what  you  don't 

know  is  the  universe. 
In  the  entire  universe  the  least  is  a  part  of  all  and 

all  is  only  one. 
The  universe  is  a  circle  without  a  circumference. 

Unknown.     We  always  magnify  the  unknown. 

Unlearn.     How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Up-hill.  On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the  patient 

mule  will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 
If  we  could  slip  up-hill  as  easily  as  we  slip  down- 
hill we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Up-stream.     It  is  easier  to  float  down-stream  than  to 
paddle  up-stream. 

Useful.     The  useful  is  always  beautiful. 

What  is  not  useful  today  may  be  useful  tomorrow. 
In  the  whole  universe  there  is  nothing  in  vain — 
nothing  without  its  use. 


192  LACONICS 


Vacant — vacuity.     He  has  a  cranium  full  of  vacuity. 
His  upper  story  is  to  let. 
He  is  the  picture  of  a  vacuum. 

Valor.     He  who  faces  every  duty  like  a  man  is  brave 

enough. 
Valor  is  a  whole  battalion. 

Value.     Compel  the  world  to  value  you  at  what  you 

are  worth. 

In  the  long  run  most  men  are  reckoned  at  their 
true   value. 

Vanity.     Vanity  is  an  expensive  luxury. 

The  sting  of  vanity  is  sharper  than  the  sting  of 

want. 

Vanity  is  a  disease:  most  people  catch  it. 
It  is  vanity  to  disclaim  vanity. 
Vanity  is  the  fool's  glory. 
Every  man  has  a  streak  of  vanity  in  him. 

Variety.  The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self-same  tune 
Forever. 
Change  is  the  order  of  the  Universe. 

Change. 

Verbosity.     All  sound  and  no  sense. 

In  the  chaff  of  verbosity  you  will  find  few  grains  of 

sense. 

Full  of  verbosity  he  teaches  "Theosophy." 
In  a  muddle  of  mush  and  calls  it  Philosophy. 

He  would  talk  the  hind  legs  off  a  hobby-horse. 

Vice.     All  vices  are  blood  relatives. 
No  vice,  no  virtue. 


LACONICS  193 


We  carry  two  burdens — our  own  vices  and  the  vices 

of  our  progenitors. 
One  vice  will  not  cure  another. 
Never  open  the  door  to  a  little  vice  lest  a  greater 

one  sneak  in. 

Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
Vice  is  most  dangerous  in  silk  stockings. 
Look  out  for  vice  in  a  swallow-tail  coat. 
Look  out  for  vice  in  rouge  and  red  petticoats. 
Vice  is  contagious. 

At  the  tap-root  of  every  vice  is  a  virtue. 
Vice  leads  to  crime. 

You  can't  cure  one  vice  by  taking  on  another. 
Men's  vices  are  only  virtues  run  wild. 
Every  vice  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue  if  it  is 

only  a  fig-leaf. 
The  vicious  are  swift  to  condemn  the  faults  of 

others. 

Victory.     He  has  won  a  great  victory;  he  has  con- 
quered  himself. 

Vigilance.     "Eternal  vigilance"  is  the  price  of  success. 
That  watch-dog  is  a  vigilance  committee  of  one. 

Villain.     The  cunning  villain  glitters  in  his  eyes. 

Vinegar.     He   carries  a  vinegar  visage   that  would 
sour  sauerkraut. 

Violence.     Where  violence  begins,  reason  ends. 

Virtue.     Negative  virtues  are  good;  positive  virtues 

are   better. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to  tread; 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the  bread, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherd  of  the  sheep. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 


194  LACONICS 


Let  virtue  be  our  helmet  and  our  shield, 

And  Truth  our  weapon — weapon  sharp  and  strong, 

And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

Golden  darts  will  pierce  even  virtues  shield. 

The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

No  vice,  no  virtue. 

Virtue  is  a  safe  helmet  and  a  sure  shield. 

All  virtues  are  one. 

Virtue  is  its  own  reward: — many  people  think  it's 
poor   pay. 

Virtue  is  safe  only  when  it  is  armed  with  knowledge. 

A  cracked  cup  is  easily  broken. 

Virtue  once  pawned  is  never  redeemed. 

At  the  root  of  every  vice  is  a  virtue. 

Vice  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue,  if  it  is  only  a  fig- 
leaf. 

Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  forget 

your   virtues. 
Virtue  is  betrayed  by  weakness  oftener  than  by 

vice. 

Vixen.     The  vixen  never  comes  to  kiss  unless  she 
means  to  bite. 

Voice.     The  voices  of  the  hoar  and  hurrying  years 
Cry  from  the  silence — " Change,  perpetual  change." 

Change. 

The  hoarse,  low  voice  of  the  years  croaks  on  forever 

and  aye. 
Change!  Change!  Change!  Daniel. 

He  has  a  voice  like  a  brass  band. 

He  can  out-bellow  the  bulls  of  Bashan. 

Vows.     A   sailor's   vow — forgotten   as   soon   as   the 
storm  is  over. 


LACONICS  195 


Vulgarity.     Ignorance  breeds  vulgarity,  and  vulgarity 
breeds  contempt. 


w 

Wag.     A  wag  is  at  the  tail-end  of  wit. 
"My  fawning  dog,"  the  sage  satanic  said, 
"Wags  not  his  tail  for  me,  but  for  my  bread." 

The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

King  Drone,  flat  fool  that  weather-cocked  all  winds; 
Gulped  gall  and  vinegar  and  smacked  it  wine; 
Wig- wagged  his  way  from  gilded  Oeil  de  Boeuf 
Through  mob  and  maelstrom  to  the  guillotine. 

Men. 

Wag-jaw  is  a  wise  fellow,  he  can  teach  hens  to  swim. 

Waiting.     He  is  wise  who  knows  how  and  when  to 

wait. 

Watch   and   wait. 
Don't  wait  for  something  to  turn  up;  go  at  it  and 

turn  it  up. 

Want.     Man's  real  wants  how  simple  and  how  few. 

Men. 

He  is  the  least  in  want  who  wants  the  least. 

One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

"We  want  but  little  here  below  nor  want  that  little 
long,"  said  the  monkey  when  the  dog  bit  off  his 
tail. 

See  man  the  picture  of  perpetual  want, 

The  prototype  of  all  disquietude; 

Full  of  trouble,  yet  ever  seeking  more. 

Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir  still  he  delves; 

Give  him  the  land,  and  he  demands  the  sea; 


196  LACONICS 


Give  him  the  earth — he  reaches  for  the  stars. 
Doomed  by  his  fate  to  scorn  the  good  he  has, 
And  grasp  at  fancied  good  beyond  his  reach, 
He  seeks  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  his  feet. 

Men. 

The  sting  of  vanity  is  sharper  than  the  sting  of  want. 
Want  less  and  you'll  have  more. 

War.     War  is  a  dog-fight;  the  bull-dog  wins. 

War  is  an  arena  where  it  is  easier  to  find  a  grave 

than  a  monument. 
War  is  the  battle  of  beasts  and  the  feast  of  vultures. 

Waste.     Waste  nothing;  all  things  have  their  use; 
God  has  created  nothing  in  vain. 
"Dot  ish  all  right,  mebbe.    I  dink  so  nieder;  aber 
vot  for  Gott  mak  dot  leetel  tarn — vot  you  call 
'im  ? — mit  die  long  pill  und  dot  leetel  puzz  ?"  Max. 

Waste.     Don't  waste  your  breath  on  cold  coals. 
Don't  waste  time  on  trifles. 
The  worst  waste  is  the  waste  of  time. 

Watch — watchfulness.     Watch  and  wait. 
Watch  the  watchman. 
Set  a  watch  on  the  watcher. 
Watch  a  silent  dog. 
Who  is  to  watch  the  watcher? 

Watch-word.     The  watch- word  is  "Onward." 

Water.     He  writes  on  the  water  and  paints  on  the 
wind. 

Wax  and  wane.     The  law  of  wax-and-wane  pervades 
the  Universe. 


LACONICS  197 


Way  of  the  World.  It  is  the  way  of  the  world  to 
hang  a  man  first  and  try  him  afterwards. 

Weak.  Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bitterness ;  strong 
men  eschew  it. 

Weakness.  The  weakest  spot  in  most  men  is  where 
they  fancy  themselves  the  strongest. 

A  woman's  strength  lies  in  her  weakness. 

Search  out  and  mend  thine  infirmities  and  thy 
virtues  will  take  care  of  themselves. 

No  man  is  perfect:  every  man  has  his  weak  spot; 
look  for  it  in  the  head. 

The  weakest  link  breaks  the  chain. 

Wealth.     Wealth  in  the  hands  of  the  unwise  creates 

more  wants  than  it  supplies. 
One  little  grain  of  wheat   has  benefited  man  more 

than  all  the  diamonds  dug  from  the  earth  since 

the  days  of  Adam. 
The  multi-millionaire — an  ass  staggering  under  a 

load  of  bullion. 

Wealth  unemployed  is  a  useless  burden. 
Who  accumulates  wealth  accumulates  care. 
We  carp  at  wealth,  like  the  fox  that  couldn't  reach 

the    grapes. 
Diogenes  lived  in  a  tub  because  he  couldn't  afford 

a  cabin. 
We  affect  to  despise  wealth  and  wear  our  soles 

(souls)  out  running  after  it. 
We  curse  Croesus,  because  he  won't  divide. 
"Jim  Hill  is  a  robber!"  cried  the  Governor  of  Minne- 
sota.    "While    I    am   giving   bread   to   tens   of 

thousands  you  are  doing  your  level  best  to  pull 

down  the  bakery,"  replied  Hill. 
Great  wealth  is  great  poverty. 
Wealth  may  be  the  servant  of  good  or  the  servant 

of   evil. 


198  LACONICS 


Weather-cock.     The  higher  you  elevate  a  weather- 
cock the  easier  he  turns  to  the  breeze. 

Wed — wedlock.     The  "outs"  want  to  get  in  and  the 
"ins"  want  to  get  out. 

Weed.     Weeds  and  flowers  grow  in  the  same  garden. 

All  our  cultivated  vegetables  were  once  weeds. 

Weed  out  your  faults  as  you  would  weed  your  gar- 
den. 

We  can  tolerate  a  few  weeds  in  a  good  garden. 

The  rankest  weed  has  some  use;  nothing  is  made 
in  vain. 

I  guess  thar's  sum  pertaters  in  thet  patch,  but  yer 
got  ter  pull  a  darn  lot  uf  weeds  ter  find  'em. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Kill  the  weeds  when  young. 

It  takes  a  hard  frost  to  kill  weeds. 

Where  weeds  grow  corn  will  grow. 

Where  weeds  grow  you  can  raise  potatoes. 

Weel.     He's  a  chiel  o'the  Diet— he's  a  ne'er-do-weel. 

Welcome.     Baked   potatoes   and   welcome   make   a 
feast. 

Well-doing.     Whatever  you  do,  do  it  well. 

Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing  well. 
Well-done.     If  you  want  it  well-done  do  it  yourself. 

When.     Few  men  know  when  to  begin  and  where 
to    stop. 

Whim.     The  whim  of  youth  may  become  the  habit 
of  old  age. 

Whisper.     I  hear  the  whispers  of  the  Universe. 
So  whispering  courage  to  my  timid  heart. 

Pauline. 


LACONICS  199 


I  hear  the  low,  hushed  whispers  of  the  dead. 
His  whisper  sounds  like  a  megaphone. 

Whistle.  "You  can't  make  a  whistle  out  of  a  pig's 
tail." 

(I  saw  this  proverb  literally  disproved.  Charles  Kings- 
bury,  of  St.  Cloud,  Minnesota,  about  1872,  made  a 
fine  whistle  out  of  a  pig's  tail.) 

He  thinks  his  whistle  is  a  bugle  call. 

White — white-hair.  A  white  man's  ez  good  ez  a 
nigger,  ef  he  on'y  behaves  hisself. 

Bronco  Bill. 

Why.  "Why  did  you  do  it,  my  son?"  "Wai,  Pops, 
I  dunno ;  suthin  got  inter  my  head,  an'  it  did  it 
itself." 

Bronco  Bill. 

Wherefore?  Look  out  upon  the  babbling  world — 
Fools  clamoring  at  the  heels  of  clamorous  fools! 
I  hungered  for  the  sapless  husks  of  fame. 

0  Let  Me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  ago. 

Wickedness.     Wickedness  breeds  wickedness. 

He  is  wicked  who  is  cruel  to  God's  creatures — 
man  or  beast. 

Widow.  "Beware  of  the  vider";  she  wears  weeds 
for  her  dead  husband  and  sighs  for  another. 

Wife.     A  frugal  wife  is  better  than  a  big  income. 

The  woman  that  goes  far  for  a  husband  has  great 
need  of  a  mantle  of  charity. 

A  termagant  wife  is  like  a  horse-fiddle  iri  a  sanc- 
tuary. 

Nine  times  out  of  ten  the  wife  is  what  the  husband 
makes  her. 


200  LACONICS 


A  wife  dutiful  is  a  wife  beautiful. 

The  good  wife  commands  her  husband  by  obeying 

him. 
Men  choose  a  tree  for  its  fruit ;  a  wife  for  her  beauty. 

Wild.     She's  a  little  wild?     there's  time  a-plenty; 
She'll  be  tame  enough  at  ten  and  twenty. 
Gamins — see  the  animals  run  wild. 

Will.     All  my  prayers  are  one: 
Father,  thy  will  be  done. 
Will  without  reason  is  a  balky  horse, 
He  has  a  forty-horse  will-power  and  no  engineer. 
If  you  will,  you  can. 

Willing.     The  willing  mule  balks  at  last. 
Wills.     Execute  your  own  will. 

Win.     Watch  out  and  win  out. 
When  you  begin  go  in  to  win. 

Wind.     A  drop  of  wisdom  in  a  bag  of  wind. 
He  has  bellows  enough  to  drive  a  wind-mill. 
God  tempers  the  wind  to  the  shorn  lamb. 

Sterne. 

"I  tanks  not.     I  tanks  Gode  he  demper  ze  leetel 
sheep  to  ze  wind."  Ole  Olson. 

A  wind-bag  with  a  tin  horn  in  it. 

See  mangy  curs,  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze, 
Slang- whanging  yelp  and  froth  and  snap  and  snarl, 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  food. 

Men. 
Wine.     Wine  is  a  great  tattler. 

When  wine  goes  in  teetotal  truth  comes  out. 

The  Devil  and  The  Monk. 


LACONICS  201 


Wine  and  wenches  bury  men  in  trenches. 

To  shake  a  little  Shakespeare  in  our  wine: 
Some  rise  by  sin  and  some  by  virtue  fall. 

The  Devil  and  The  Monk. 
Wine  spills  secrets. 
Wine  wisely  used  is  a  friend;  abused,  an  enemy. 

Wings.     Aye,  is  death  death  ?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light — on  angel  wings  to  range  ? 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 
All  wings  and  no  feet. 

Winter.     A  summer  friend  is  a  friend  to  feed; 
A  winter  friend  is  a  friend  indeed. 

"Lo  I  blow  my  breath,"  said  Winter, 
"And  the  laughing  brooks  are  silent: 
"Hard  as  flint  become  the  waters, 
And  the  rabbit  runs  upon  them." 

The  Sea- Gull. 

Waziya  came  down  from  the  north,  from  the  land 
of  perpetual  winter: 

From  his  frost  covered  beard  issued  forth  the  sharp- 
biting,  shrill- whistling  North-wind; 

At  the  touch  of  his  breath  the  wide  earth  turned 
to  stone  and  the  lakes  and  the  rivers. 

Winona. 

Wisdom.     Wisdom  and  goodness  go  hand  in  hand. 
Wisdom  feeds  on  folly. 

Sorrows  are  mile-stones  on  the  road  to  wisdom. 
He  who  discovers  that  he  is  a  fool  has  found  the 

right  road  to  wisdom. 

Confession  of  ignorance  is  the  beginning  of  wisdom. 
Wisdom  grows  on  thorns. 
One  gathers  the  nuts,  another  cracks  them. 


202  LACONICS 


The  wisdom  of  most  men  is  too  early  or  too  late. 
He  is  a  wise  man  who  knows  his  own  ignorance. 

A  truly  wise  man  is  a  freak  of  nature. 
The  wise  man  gathers  wisdom  from  all  men, 
As  bees  their  honey  hive  from  plant  and  weed. 
Yea,  from  the  varied  history  of  the  world, 
From  the  experience  of  all  times,  all  men, 
The  wise  man  learneth  wisdom. 

Men. 

Wise  men  there  are — wise  in  the  eyes  of  men — 
Who  cram  their  hollow  heads  with  ancient  wit 
Cackled  in  Carthage,  babbled  in  Babylon, 
Gabbled  in  Greece  and  riddled  in  old  Rome, 
And  never  coin  a  farthing  of  their  own. 

Men. 

Wise  men  there  are — for  owls  are  counted  wise — 
Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  path  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt . 

Men. 
Folly  sows  broadcast:  wisdom  gathers  in. 

Men. 

Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bitterness,  wise  men 

eschew   it. 
The  mistakes  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive 

than  the  wisdom  of  a  fool, 

He  whom  wisdom  and  virtue  guide" walks  safely. 
Wisdom  is  common  sense. 
Wit  and  Wisdom — pepper  and  salt. 


LACONICS  203 


Wisdom  rides  on  the  back  of  folly. 
You  can  spin  even  wisdom  too  fine. 

Wise.  A  wise  man  sometimes  changes  his  mind,  a 
fool  never. 

A  wise  man  begins  at  the  beginning,  a  fool  at  the 
end. 

The  wisest  men  are  sometimes  foolish. 

A  wise  man  never  speaks  unless  he  has  something 
to  say. 

A  wise  man  is  never  ashamed  to  confess  his  igno- 
rance. 

The  wise  head  bends  like  a  ripe  ear  of  corn. 

A  wise  man  may  learn  much  from  a  fool. 

An  ass  looks  wise  to  an  ass. 

A  wise  man  is  always  a  good  listener. 

Zeal  is  good  for  the  wise  and  fatal  to  fools. 

The  wise  seek  the  services  of  the  wise. 

Wishes.     The  wish  of  to-day  is  the  spur  of  to-morrow. 

Wit.     Let  not  malice  sharpen  thy  wit. 
Your  tongue  runs  away  with  your  wit. 
Wit  is  the  wine  of  life. 

Wit  without  wisdom  is  a  dangerous  weapon. 
All  wit  and  no  wisdom  is  sauce  without  meat. 
Wit  is  a  keen  weapon  in  the  hands  of  a  wit  and  a 

boomerang  in  the  hands  of  a  dullard. 
Wadsworth. — All  feet  and  no  wings 
Tennyson — winged    feet. 
Byron — an  eagle's  wings  and  a  crippled  foot. 
Poe — a  wild  steed's  feet  and  a  raven's  wings. 
Shakespeare — a  lion's  paws  and  a  condor's  wings. 
Wit  and  wisdom  are  sword  and  shield. 
Wit  without  wisdom  is  lime  without  sand. 


204  LACONICS 


When  a  wit  sits  at  the  dinner  table  the  sauce  is 

better  than  the  meat. 
Mix  a  little  salt  with  your  pepper. 
Put  plenty  of  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 
Wit  and  wisdom  combined  make  a  strong  man. 
When  wine  goes  in  wit  comes  out. 
Better  fore- wit  than  after- wit. 
A  joke  without  wit  is  a  joke  on  the  joker. 

Wolf.     Grown  fat  and  arrogant  on  power  and  pelf, 
The  old  time  shepherd  has  become  a  wolf, 
And  only  feeds  his  flock  to  feast  himself. 

The  Devil  and  The  Monk. 

When  you  suspect  a  fox  let  the  dogs  loose. 

I  had  rather  eat  a  wolf  than  have  a  wolf  eat  me. 

Woman.     I  like  a  she- woman  and  a  he-man. 
The  strength  of  a  women  is  in  her  weakness. 
Beauty  intoxicates  a  woman  and  makes  a  fool  of 

a  man. 
Man   cannot   dispense   with  women;  he    couldn't 

be  born  without  her. 
"When  lovely  woman  stoops  to  folly" 
She'll  put  both  feet  in  willy-nolly. 
Woman  is  the  weaker  vessel,  but  she  often  breaks 

her  husband. 

The  society  of  ladies  is  the  school  of  good  manners. 
Woman  may  lose  her  diamonds  a  dozen  times,  her 

chastity  but  once. 
Woman  in  public  is  an  actress  on  the  stage;  study 

her  behind  the  curtain. 
There  is  no  devil  like  a  she-devil. 
I  druther  hev  a  blue-fish, 
Er  a  bull-pout  er  a  dorg-fish, 
Er  a  durned  ole  man-eater  shark-fish, 
Hitched  on  ter  me  than  a  she-devil-fish. 

Bronco  Billt  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 


LACONICS  205 


Petticoat-patriots  sans  bas  and  sans  culottes, 
Rampant  in  rags  and  hunger-toothed,  uproar 
Paris  the  proud.  Men. 

Women  use  perfumes  to  kill  other  smells. 

Women  suspect  each  other  because  they  know 
each  other. 

A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by  a  wo- 
man. 

There  is  nobody  so  intolerable  as  a  woman  pro- 
moted by  sudden  wealth  from  a  wash-tub  to  a 
drawing-room . 

A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 

Honor  the  woman  who  mends  her  husband's  stock- 
ings. 

Better  live  with  a  yawling  tom-cat  than  a  virago. 

A  woman's  weapon  is  her  tears. 

Women  take  pride  in  what  is  on  them  rather  than 
what  is  in  them. 

Wool.     He  pulls  the  wool  over  his  own  eyes. 

He  shears  his  pigs  and  takes  the  wool  to  market. 

Words.     The  wise  weight  words;  fool  measure  them 

by  the   yard. 

Words  are  flowers,  deeds  are  fruit. 
Fair  words  are  pap  for  fools. 
"I  am  a  man  of  few  words,  "said  Sam. 
"True  indeed,"  said  John,  "but  you  repeat  them 

over  and  over  to  anybody  who  will  listen." 
Bind  an  honest  man  with  his  word,  a  knave  with  a 

log-chain. 

Weigh  thy  words  or  thy  words  will  weigh  thee. 
Big  words,  little  deeds. 
Deeds  are  more  eloquent  than  words. 

Work.     Think  hard  and  work  hard. 


206  LACONICS 


Workmen  are  plenty,  but  the  masters  few. 

Poetry. 

Genius  is  patience,  labor  and  good  sense. 
Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 
In  rest  they  rust.     A  goodly  recompense 
Comes  from  hard  toil,  but  not  from  its  abuse. 

Poetry. 

Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  shining  silk;  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will 
And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. 

Poetry. 
Work   wins. 

The  poorest  work  a  man  does  is  doing  nothing. 
Work  makes  the  workman. 
Good  work  requires  good  tools. 
You  can't  afford  to  work  for  nothing  and  board 

yourself. 
Trust  in  Providence,  but  push  the  work. 

Work  and  wait; 
Ne'er  despair  and  ne'er  abate; 
Work  will  triumph  soon  or  late ; 

Work  and  wait. 
There  is  always  plenty  of  work  to  be  done;  the 

difficulty  is  to  find  willing  men  fit  for  the  work. 
There  is  no  work  so  tiresome  as  doing  nothing. 
Work  strengthens,  worry  kills. 
The  sure  cure  for  most  ills  is  work. 

World.     The  beginning  of  the  world  was  the  union 

of  two  atoms  of  cosmic  dust. 
The  world  is  entering  the  twilight  of  dawn. 
We  must  take  the  world  as  we  find  it  and  improve 

it  if  we  can. 
Let  us  make  the  most  of  this  world;  no  invention 

so  far  can  take  us  to  another. 


LACONICS  207 


The  world  is  a  combination  of  contraries. 

The  man  who  said,  "One  half  the  world  does  not 

know  how  the  other  half  lives,"  didn't  live  in  a 

country  town. 

The  world  is  like  a  mirror;  smile  and  it  smiles,  frown 

and  it  frowns. 
The  world  is  divided  into  knaves  and  fools  with  a 

sprinkling  of  salt. 

If  we  despise  the  world,  the  world  will  despise  us. 
Let  the  world  wag :  it  will  wag  anyway. 

Worm.     The  reef  that  wrecked  the  battle-ship  was  the 

work  of  little  worms. 
The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun-touched 

sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  Earth? 
Yet  more  than  thou  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 
Or  ever  wilt.     Content  thee;  let  it  be. 
Know  only  this:  there  is  a  Power  unknown — 
Master  of  life  and  Builder  of  the  Worlds. 

Beyond. 
Worry.     Work  strengthens,  worry  kills. 

Worse.     No  man  is  the  worse  for  knowing  the  worst. 
"It  might  a-been  worse,"  said  the  widow  when  her 
husband  was  hanged. 

Worship.     He    who    worships    himself    worships    a 
wooden  calf. 

Wretched.    The  way  to  make  yourself  wretched  is 
to  fancy  that  you  are  wretched. 

Write.     I  had  rather  write  one  word  upon  the  rock 
Of  Ages  than  ten  thousand  in  the  sand. 

Poetry. 
Say  little,  write  less. 


208  LACONICS 


Writing.     There  is  sweeter  poetry  in  the  hearts  of 

men 

Than  ever  poet  wrote  or  minstrel  sung; 
For  words  are  clumsy  wings  for  burning  thought. 

Poetry. 

The  only  word  written  by  Jesus 
Was  Charity  — writ  in  the  sand. 

Charity. 

Wrong.     When  we  are  on  the  wrong  road  the  further 

we  go  the  further  we  fall  behind. 
He  who  wrongs  you,  will    claim    that   you   have 
wronged  him. 


Y 

Year.     The  years  of  God  are  one. 

Yesterday.     The  eternal  yesterday  is  yours;  study  it. 

Young.     Be  old  when  you  are  young  and  you  will  be 

young  when  you  are  old. 
Weed  the  garden  when  the  weeds  are  young. 

Your  own.     There  is  no  fruit  so  sweet  as  that  of  your 

own  planting. 
If  you  don't  blow  your  own  horn  nobody  will  blow 

it  for  you. 
Better  baked  beans  in  your  own  house,  than  roast 

turkey  in  another's. 
Plant  your  own  field  first. 

Yourself.     Fear  no  man  but  yourself. 
Trust  yourself  first. 

Never  ask  your  friends  to  do  for  you  what  you  can 
do  for  yourself. 


LACONICS  209 


All  great  men  have  defects ;  you  have  a  few  your- 
self. 

Self-deception  is  a  pit-fall  dug  by  yourself. 

If  you  would  amend  men,  begin  with  yourself. 

Trust  yourself  and  others  will  trust  you. 

There  is  only  one  to  whom  you  can  safely  trust 
your  secrets, — yourself. 

If  you  want  it  well  done,  do  it  yourself. 

Youth.     Mold  the  clay  of  youth  while  it  is  moist. 
Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
There  is  no  cure  for  the  follies  of  youth  but  age. 
Youth  is  a  seed-field;  beware  what  you  sow  in  it. 


Zeal.     Zeal  is  good  for  the  wise  and  fatal  to  fools. 
Zeal  is  a  fire  that  must  be  watched. 
Zeal  without  discretion  is  a  wild,  braying  ass. 
Zeal  without  knowledge  runs  into  ditches  in  the 
dark. 


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